"Keep going, we'll come back for him later, he's fine."
"Um. Sir. Mr. Vice President, he's kinda just laying there."
"Shhhhhh!!!! He's a lawyer. You want him to sue?...Harry? You OK? Harry? See? He's fine. This is just part of the administration's new tort reform package."
"Sir, he's not moving."
"He's just sleeping it off. Hand me another round. I'm going to get me some quail."
"I think he's hurt sir. He's bleeding."
"You think he's hurt. Are you a doctor?"
"Yes. I'm your doctor. I travel with you all the time."
"Ah yes. The Jew. I didn't recognize you without the rib spreader."
"I think we need to call one of your ambulances."
"Aw, now why do you want to go and do something like that? If Antonin hears about this he won't come duck hunting next time there's an important case before the Supreme Court that I need him to rule on."
"Sir. I'm doing the best to stop the bleeding, but we're out in the middle of nowhere. No equipment. No sanitation. This is a far cry from George Washington University Hospital."
"Yeah, it's more like the County Hospital right next door to it. Well, do your best."
"I'm stanching the blood flow."
"No you idiot. I meant do your best to make it look self-inflicted."
TWO HOURS LATER IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM
"There you go, a Purple Heart."
"Thanks, Dick. Now we both have one."
"Yeah, but yours is on the outside."
New Rule: "It turns out there's never a good time to take off three months and get drunk. Why is it why when I go on hiatus all the important stories break?" Watch the video:
The new season of Real Time with Bill Maher premieres this Friday, February 17, at 11 pm on HBO.