New Rule: If America Can't Get it Together, We Lose the Bald Eagle

New Rule: If America can't get its act together, it must lose the bald eagle as our symbol and replace it with the YouTube video of the puppy that can't get up. As long as we're pathetic, we might as well act like it's cute. I don't care about the president's birth certificate, I do want to know what happened to "Yes we can." Can we get out of Iraq? No. Afghanistan? No. Fix health care? No. Close Gitmo? No. Cap-and-trade carbon emissions? No. The Obamas have been in Washington for ten months and it seems like the only thing they've gotten is a dog.

Well, I hate to be a nudge, but why has America become a nation that can't make anything bad end, like wars, farm subsidies, our oil addiction, the drug war, useless weapons programs - oh, and there's still 60,000 troops in Germany - and can't make anything good start, like health care reform, immigration reform, rebuilding infrastructure. Even when we address something, the plan can never start until years down the road. Congress's climate change bill mandates a 17% cut in greenhouse gas emissions... by 2020! Fellas, slow down, where's the fire? Oh yeah, it's where I live, engulfing the entire western part of the United States!

We might pass new mileage standards, but even if we do, they wouldn't start until 2016. In that year, our cars of the future will glide along at a breathtaking 35 miles-per-gallon. My goodness, is that even humanly possible? Cars that get 35 miles-per-gallon in just six years? Get your head out of the clouds, you socialist dreamer! "What do we want!? A small improvement! When do we want it!? 2016!"

When it's something for us personally, like a laxative, it has to start working now. My TV remote has a button on it now called "On Demand". You get your ass on my TV screen right now, Jon Cryer, and make me laugh. Now! But when it's something for the survival of the species as a whole, we phase that in slowly.

Folks, we don't need more efficient cars. We need something to replace cars. That's what's wrong with these piddly, too-little-too-late half-measures that pass for "reform" these days. They're not reform, they're just putting off actually solving anything to a later day, when we might by some miracle have, a) leaders with balls, and b) a general populace who can think again. Barack Obama has said, "If we were starting from scratch, then a single-payer system would probably make sense." So let's start from scratch.

Even if they pass the shitty Max Baucus health care bill, it doesn't kick in for 4 years, during which time 175,000 people will die because they're not covered, and about three million will go bankrupt from hospital bills. We have a pretty good idea of the Republican plan for the next three years: Don't let Obama do anything. What kills me is that that's the Democrats' plan, too.

We weren't always like this. Inert. In 1965, Lyndon Johnson signed Medicare into law and 11 months later seniors were receiving benefits. During World War II, virtually overnight FDR had auto companies making tanks and planes only. In one eight year period, America went from JFK's ridiculous dream of landing a man on the moon, to actually landing a man on the moon.

This generation has had eight years to build something at Ground Zero. An office building, a museum, an outlet mall, I don't care anymore. I'm tempted to say that, symbolically, all America can do lately is keep digging a hole, but Ground Zero doesn't represent a hole. It is a hole. America: Home of the Freedom Pit. Ironically, it's spitting distance from Wall Street, where they knock down buildings a different way - through foreclosure.

That's the ultimate sign of our lethargy: millions thrown out of their homes, tossed out of work, lost their life savings, retirements postponed - and they just take it. 30% interest on credit cards? It's a good thing the Supreme Court legalized sodomy a few years ago.

Why can't we get off our back? Is it something in the food? Actually, yes. I found out something interesting researching last week's editorial on how we should be taxing the unhealthy things Americans put into their bodies, like sodas and junk foods and gerbils. Did you know that we eat the same high-fat, high-carb, sugar-laden shit that's served in prisons and in religious cults to keep the subjects in a zombie-like state of lethargic compliance? Why haven't Americans arisen en masse to demand a strong public option? Because "The Bachelor" is on. We're tired and our brain stems hurt from washing down French fries with McDonald's orange drink.

The research is in: high-fat diets makes you lazy and stupid. Rats on an American diet weren't motivated to navigate their maze and once in the maze they made more mistakes. And, instead of exercising on their wheel, they just used it to hang clothes on. Of course we can't ban assault rifles - we're the first generation too lazy to make its own coffee. We're the generation that invented the soft chocolate chip cookie: like a cookie, only not so exhausting to chew. I ask you, if the food we're eating in America isn't making us stupid, how come the people in Carl's Jr. ads never think to put a napkin over their pants?

Bill Maher is host of HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher"

 

Follow Bill Maher on Twitter: www.twitter.com/billmaher

Comments

[brady61995]

he needs the rock obama to scare congress into passing some new rules. we can adjust them as we go if they are not working and they should have a no pork rule where bs can not be added to any bill. they can have the garbage pork bill all in one once some real bills are signed.

[HenryDavid]

This is a seriously funny person.

I wish that he and Michael Moore would work on a film together.

Great writing, Bill!

[Mainbob]

Here is a really funny take on eating too much... I see the role of the dog as americans...
Initially I see the dog in the role of the Main stream media... Enjoy this two minutes:

http://tr.im/simonsdog

[jdrourke]

Always worth a second look. Nice job, Mr. Maher.

http://jdrourke.wordpress.com/

[Eris23Skidoo]

We couldn't get single-payer because the GOP and a slim minority of democrats are too bought and paid for to stomach it. It looks like we won't get a public option, for the same reasons as well as the fact that liberals think they own the party and will opt out if they can't have their first choice. Its no wonder lobbyists have more voice than regular citizens. We're much more fickle than lobbyists. And we have shorter memories. Did I mention all that cash they have that we don't have?

[MainStreetSaint]

You want to know why people are against big government? Here's why:

"If Congress can employ money indefinitely to the general welfare,
and are the sole and supreme judges of the general welfare,
they may take the care of religion into their own hands;
they may appoint teachers in every State, county and parish
and pay them out of their public treasury;
they may take into their own hands the education of children,
establishing in like manner schools throughout the Union;
they may assume the provision of the poor;
they may undertake the regulation of all roads other than post-roads;
in short, every thing, from the highest object of state legislation
down to the most minute object of police,
would be thrown under the power of Congress.... Were the power
of Congress to be established in the latitude contended for,
it would subvert the very foundations, and transmute the very nature
of the limited Government established by the people of America." - James Madison, The man the wrote the Constitution and framed our government.

If you don't like what he envisioned you could always move.

[Underdog311]

Just to clarify something....in 1900 the average life expectancy was around 49 or 50 and they had no "junk food" or "refined sugary foods" to speak of. We can live a lot longer and better today even with all of the bad food we eat. Not that I'm condoning eating junk food, but, the controversey over junk food and soft drinks is being blown way out of proportion. Obesity is the problem and you can get fat eating too much of almost anything...except maybe raw vegetables...if you can go your whole life just eating that alone. But almost everything you said about the effect of food on people in this blog is unsubstantiated and just really plain stupid...like you've never eaten a donut!!!
And you know what, it's O.K. if you do eat a donut....just not 20 in one day... A little common sense, please....

[Eris23Skidoo]

You get that this is a comedy piece, right?

[vabear61]

You get that people died from simple diseases like measles then, right?

[penny less]

Longer doesn't necessarily mean better. The quality of life is declining. Which one would you rather have? last 20 years of your 80 years in a wheelchair unable to do things by urself and ignored by your family members or 60 years being healthy?
You can get fat eating too much of anything, but 1 piece of chocolate never satisfied anyone!

[HOWIE1947]

I have always said, if you want to take the blame off of yourself, direct the people in another direction. Bill is right as rain. I always say, if you can't dazzle them with brilliancy, baffle them with bull sh*t. Just because the economy seems to be slowly turning around does not mean that Obama had a positive or a negative influence. There are 3 types of people in the world, ignorant, stupid and blinded. Ignorant meaning, not knowing any better (babies are born this way), stupid, knowing better but still making the same mistakes/choices and the blinded, the people that are so confused that they themselves don't know if they are ignorant or stupid because of an outside influence. Everyone in the world needs help from time to time and we Americans have always pulled together and overcome. Thank you again Bill and Americans, wake the F up.
These are my opinions, I may be wrong.
GOD BLESS US ALL

[zeeshan809]

I think most of it was political rhetoric to win the elections. Now that Mr Obama is in office, does it really matter?

http://next-world-war.blogspot.com

[mateocafe]

Unfortunately for progressives, the democratic party doesn't share our values. Too busy voting for the "lesser of two evils".

[jdrourke]

Keep the humor alive, Bill! And please have something to say about Switzerland and Roman Polanski...

http://jdrourke.wordpress.com/

[Carmichael]

I read the article and found it very interesting, however, in the part that concerns our president, I have to disagree. One, Obama ran on many things, and one of them is change. It's obvious that he is trying to do just that, and might I say, for the goodness of the country. But as most of us know by now, bringing about change, regardless of where you're, is always a difficult thing to do. One, you have the few that are bent on keeping things just the way they're, because it has been a long practiced, and frankly, they don't see the necessity for change because their minds are cultivated. Two, the ones who see the necessity for change are afraid, because of fear, not knowing whether if it will work or not.

Now, this is where education is important as it serves a good purpose, for one, instead of letting others do the thinking for us, which appears to be the new front. Being knowledgeable allows us to do our own thinking. Having the ability to comprehend and communicate for ourselves, indeed will diminish most of the ignorance. As to the other mentions...etc., while significant, is neither here or there, but must be considered greatly in improving one's life style, views, administration and elements that are of great significance.

[Bobotheclown]

Complain, complain, complain. As if our political parties are any worse now than they ever were. Yes things have gotten done in the past, but that was when we had leaders strong enough to form a political consensus that could get things done. FDR, JFK, LBJ, whatever their faults, they galvanized the country and got things done. We have seen a parade of compromisers ever since. Or ideologues who destroy consensus and build their legacy on sand. The voters have tried to "pick the best" but the system is now gaming the election process. Everyone knows how to tell lies that work. Yes, the voters have proved gullible but they were never supposed to be experts in political science for our system to work. They were supposed to be literate and the candidates were supposed to have honor. We are in much more trouble than we think when our primary system of political decision making breaks down. Revolution is a long way off but it is no longer inconceivable.

[Renault]

IMO, we first have to get rid of all the deadwood in the congress. Deadwood? How's about starting with all the old farts who 1) have been there forever and done little, and 2) have a basic world outlook and mentality built upon years of DOING NOTHING and deferring anything that smacks of expense or taking away money from their profitability ~ like infrastructure, for example (both public and corporate). Many of these people have PROVEN themselves to not have the foresight nor the intestinal fortitude to build and plan for any future other than their own, and I say, throw the bums out!!! Most of these are my own generation, the boomers, and frankly, they have outlived their usefulness to the country, if not the special interests.

For all the bull about experience and maturity, these folks only have 40 yrs or more of experience being self serving, self agrandizing, and arrogant jerks, and have the maturity of a 15 yr old. We can no longer tolerate that sort of short sighted and egotistical garbage any longer. If this country is to ever seriously get off the dime and create the necessities to compete effectively in a world economy AND a world culture for the 21st Century, they better get jumpin', because this pack of bozos have had their party, and they have fought the future at every turn. It is now time to clean up their mess.

[katiewon]

Bill Maher - what would we do without you?????? Another commentary right on point.

Unfortunately most Americans don't and won't get it.

Once again the same old lame excuses..."it's the Republicans" or "it's the Democrats". No you idiots, it's the American people! It's like having your boss complain that his company is failing because his employees don't know what they're doing. Well, who's in charge is to blame. If schools still had civics classes maybe Americans would know who's in charge.

What we as citizens need to do is revolt. You want something done now? Get on YouTube and start a revolution like the woman did with her credit card interest with the "Debtor's Revolt." Within one month BofA renegotiated with her. Bill eluded to it in this "New Rule" when he mentioned the 30% interest.

America - aren't you sick and tired of being sick and tired? I actually threw out a bag of M&M's yesterday because they tasted like formaldahyde. They're now made with high fructose corn syrup which is poison.

Yeah, sure the rest of the world just ENVIES us - our overweight bodies, corrupt financial system, greedy politicians and do nothing status quo.