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Make Scott McClellan Your Bitch!


Let's face it, Scotty's gonna need a job. And soon. With laughable poll numbers, and so many leaks and lies that even the White House press corps is starting to pay attention at press conferences, new Chief of Staff Josh Bolten has to start triage in the West Wing. And where better to start the face lifts, than with the actual, sweaty face of the administration itself? GOP grumblings have already begun-- Bush is suffering in public opinion because of the way McClellan's handling the press. It's not the message, it's the messenger.

Apparently, it wasn't a great idea to hire the moist, chubby son of the Austin mayor to deflect questions on everything from the president choking on a pretzel to non-existent WMD's to why Karl Rove lied to him. Even though Scotty appealed to the base-- in that he looks and sounds like a constipated Wal-Mart manager on break-- it turns out he needed a resume boasting something more than "Does Not Lie As Well As Ari Fleischer."

So get him while he's down! And cheap! Why not take poor Scott McClellan under your wing? Put him to work lying to your creditors. Or explaining to family members why you can't call them back. Or referring questions about the mysterious dent in your car to the mechanic who doesn't speak English. Your boss wants to know if you misappropriated petty cash? Sorry, can't comment on an on-going investigation. Your daughter wants to know why you lied about the tooth fairy? Scotty will direct those questions to the tooth fairy's office. There's nothing he can't not answer!

And think of all the experience he'll bring to the job! Who better to have on your side when things get rough? Your wife wants to know why there's lipstick on your collar? Scotty hasn't seen the shirt, he can't comment. And he would refer your wife to the Dry Cleaners. They're not open? Look, it's really not Scotty's problem, he needs to move on to the next question. And-- he will ask-- why is your wife trying to smear the hard working, patriotic Dry Cleaner? Has she no decency?

So come on. Give the guy a break. Make Scott McClellan your bitch. And don't feel guilty about it. Clearly, he's a masochist willing to work long hours for demanding superiors; he will parrot the company line no matter how absurd; you can lie to his face and the guy will show up for work the next day, defending you against all comers. Talk about loyal. This is the kind of work ethic unseen since the Iraqi Information Minister's swansong, as the troops marched into Baghdad.

I guess it really takes a special kind of guy, to do a job like that. We can only hope that, in the next chapter of his life, Scott McClellan gets everything that's coming to him.