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My Fellow Republicans: Mitt Romney's Last Secretly Videotaped Speech (Part 1 of 2)

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My fellow Republicans, before I begin, I want to make sure that someone is secretly video taping this on their cell phone. Oh, good, you can always count on the caterers. Because it's very important that what I am about to say to you here in this private last minute fundraising meeting of wealthy supporters is leaked to the media in order to rally the base in the final stretch.

Now, it looks like we are going to win this thing. No thanks to Governor Christie or Mayor Bloomberg. They cozied up to the president for federal handouts in the wake of a natural disaster. So much for self reliance. Still, I admire their political opportunism. And I'm sure the feeling's mutual.

The important thing is that victory is within reach.

Yes, it's true that the blacks, the Hispanics, the gays, the college students, the unions, the Hollywood elite and the women -- especially those who feel they have a right to kill babies in their uterus, are overwhelmingly set to vote for my opponent. But it's also just as true that there are more than enough white, male, Christian fundamentalist, Caucasian exceptionalists, who understand public education is an entitlement we can't afford, whose votes we can count on.

It's a close race. And we all know, the other guys are very good liars. But I am pathological. And in the end, I think true Americans won't settle for anything less.

Let me also say I am proud to be running as a Republican. I can't emphasize that enough. I marvel at the fact it was a Republican president who won the Civil War and freed the slaves. People forget that Lincoln was Republican. Yet today less than one percent of the blacks in this country will support me as the Republican candidate for president. What a bunch of ingrates. We never got a thank you note for fully accepting them into the Mormon Church, either.

MORMON QUESTION

But I am very thankful that you all finally got over the Mormon question with regards to my candidacy. I'm just as Christian as you. Except that my Jesus was made in America. If you're running for president of the United States, that can't hurt.

There were also doubts about whether I was conservative enough, and even whether I was human. What does it matter if I'm human, as long as I'm conservative enough to close the deal and start creating jobs. Let's face it. If people don't have jobs, no one can fire them to maximize profits. It's called the free market and it's what the framers of the constitution wanted us to enjoy from sea to shining sea.

CLIMATE CHANGE

Now, President Obama promised to help stop the rise of those seas, and to heal the planet. (I guess the planet is covered by Obamacare, too.) I say, Planet, heal thyself. What I care about is ensuring the rise in American incomes. Because a rising tide will lift all yachts.

I don't deny global warming. I just think planet temperature is an individual choice.

I'm more worried about the devastating change to the business climate. This administration wants to punish the makers and reward the takers, in the name of 'leveling the playing field.'

But Ronald Reagan said America is a shining city on a hill. Well, what's the point of being king of the hill, when there is no hill? We need a playing field that's as steep as possible, so it means something to get to the top. President Obama wants to devalue the American dream. I want to make the dream worthwhile again, by making it as difficult as possible to achieve.

MIDDLE CLASS

My focus is going to be on the middle class. Those people earning between 10 and 50 million dollars a year have taken a real hit in this economy. But I am going to fight for you. Believe me, I wasn't always filthy rich. There was a time when I was only rich, excuse me, middle class, just like you. And I haven't forgotten what it was like to live through those lean years. It's what keeps Anne and I humble. So when I hear that some of you have to decide between a second or third mansion and a previously-used private jet, I feel your pain.

And I am going to turn this country around.

On my first day as the highly contested 45th president of this country I am going to repeal Obamacare. Right after I fire Big Bird. That overgrown canary is dead weight. More than being a freeloader on the government dole, he's a symbol of everything that is threatening our economic stability, which undermines our national security. I'm not going to borrow money from China to pay for entitlement puppets, when we need that money to keep our military strong for the war on terrorism.

BIN LADEN

Yes, we were all relieved when the president killed Osama bin Laden. I think all Americans join me in saying, "Well, Mr. President, that's not bad, for a socialist, anti-American, community-organizing, Jimmy-Carter-wanna-be, who probably wasn't born in this country, prays to Allah and doesn't know the first thing about national security." But look at the overall mess that the Middle East is in today. Why? It's because the president's weak foreign policy begins with apologizing for America. I'm sorry, but you don't lead by apologizing. I believe America never has to apologize. That's what makes us unapologetically better than other countries.

My foreign policy in the Middle East will begin with reaffirming my full commitment to Israel. And I don't just mean posthumously baptizing Holocaust victims.

On my first day in office, on day one, not two, day one, right after I fire Big Bird and repeal Obamacare, and pull out the wedgie in my temple undergarments, I am going to call up Ahmadinejad in Iran and say, "Hey, I'm the president now. I just wanted to let you know that we would love to blow you up. And if you don't stop developing your nuclear capabilities by this time tomorrow, we are going to do just that. I'm sitting here with Secretary of State Clint Eastwood, and he says, 'Make my day.'"

Continued in Part 2 here.

Comedian Bill Santiago performs his latest one-man show "My Fellow Republicans," Monday Nov. 5th @ La Casa Azul Book Store in New York City. He regularly appears on CNN Saturday Mornings with Randi Kaye, has also appeared on Comedy Central and Showtime. He's written for The New York Times, Washington Post and Miami Herald. Checkout his new website here.