(Marty Fleck is a self-help guru, the author of the international bestseller Where Can I Stow My Baggage? and the syndicated column "Baggage Handling." He is also the pseudonymous protagonist of Bill Scheft's new novel Everything Hurts. He has generously agreed to answer questions from readers of the Huffington Post.)
Dear Marty Fleck,
As much as I respect your work as a self-help guru, I admire you more as a marketing genius. So, I'm reaching out. How can I get Hugo Chavez to be photographed handing my new novel, EVERYTHING HURTS, to Barack Obama?
Bill Scheft, Manhattan
Dear Bill,
How many times have I told you not to bother me at work?
You know I like EVERYTHING HURTS. Catchy title. But admit it, as catchy as OPEN VEINS OF LATIN AMERICA? Please. And once that title hooks you, the first section,"You might be an imperialist if...." keeps you. I'll just do one: If you're mowing your lawn and you find a pillaged society, you might be an imperialist.
Okay, let's make this quick. I know Chavez. I met the guy at one of my "Not Everyone Who Disagrees With You Is Satan" seminars. He left halfway through. Hey, as the Buddhists say, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I think it's the Buddhists. Might be the motto for Taggart's Driving School in Atlanta. He was a nice enough guy, a little petulant. So, early on, I'm welcoming everybody, and I say something like, "I'm sorry. They changed the schedule at the last minute. If you signed up for 'The Patti Lupone Songbook,' that's next week in this room." Big laugh. During the break, he comes up to me, introduces himself as Hugo Charles. Nice try. Says, "Can you arrange a meeting with Senorita Lupone?" I say, "Are you serious?" Yes, he says. I say, "It was a joke. It's an all-male crowd, megalomaniacally hip. I took a shot." He goes nuts. Starts spewing. I couldn't make out everything he was saying as he stormed out, but it went something like heathen....Evita....gay icon....Gypsy....fatwa....
I hope you see where I'm going with this. This Friday, Patti Lupone is at Butler University in Indianapolis, performing her one-woman show Coulda Woulda Shoulda. Chavez is also in Indianapolis, doing Bob and Tom in the morning, and then stopping by Eli Lilly to pick up a uranium enrichment kit. It'll cost you two seats up front, and you may have to hang out for a while, but Hugo will gladly take a full-figured snap handing your book to Patti. She's not Obama, but she's Obama Rose.
Okay, okay. You're welcome. Now get lost before Arianna tweets me out.