(Marty Fleck is a self-help guru, the author of the international bestseller Where Can I Stow My Baggage? and the syndicated column "Baggage Handling." He is also the pseudonymous protagonist of Bill Scheft's new novel Everything Hurts. He has generously agreed to answer questions from readers of the Huffington Post.)
Dear Marty Fleck,
I read somewhere that a new poll shows two out of three New Yorkers would rather have Eliot Spitzer over the current governor. Should I be as encouraged as I am that society may be more forgiving than we think?
Lance Manion, Staten Island
Dear Lance,
Oh, so it's "Lance," is it? Lance Manion? You think Marty Fleck is too busy being an international self-help guru to never have watched the episode of "Cheers" where Sam Malone uses the name Lance Manion to check into a hotel on Cape Cod? And Lance Manion from Staten Island? You think Marty Fleck is too busy being an international self-help guru that he can't scream at one of his assistants to call information and find out if Lance Manion is listed? Or scream at them to cue up the "Cheers" DVD to the right episode? Is that so much? Jesus....
Let me stop asking questions and answer your question. Yes, I think you should be encouraged that society is more forgiving....ELIOT.
Of all the letters I receive, the ones I enjoy the most invariably begin with "I read somewhere...." Because, like I have to tell you, most people have absolutely no idea what book or magazine or newspaper they're reading while they're reading it. 61 percent, in fact. Yeah, 61 percent. I read that somewhere.
All kidding aside, I remember seeing that poll you were talking about. The poll where two out of three New Yorkers would rather have Eliot Spitzer as governor. It was Page One, above the fold, in the Eliot Spitzer Gazette. No, no that's wrong. It was the lead story on AM newsradio, 1010-Spitz. You give us 22 minutes, we'll still charge you for the hour, baby. No, wait wait. It was a blog. Guyswhokeeptheircalflengthblacksockson.org.
Of course, we forgive you. Of course, we want you back. Especially now. Who can get money back on the street faster than you? You are a one-man stimulus package. Seriously, I heard you've lost so much in the market, you had to put three call girls on layaway.
So, gear up, get yourself an advance madam, and get back in there. In the meantime, you might want ease the transition with the mile-wide, inch-deep spritual guidance available in my international bestseller, Where Can I Stow My Baggage? Especially Chapter 31, "Does My Baggage Need a Safe Word?"