(Marty Fleck is a self-help guru, the author of the international bestseller Where Can I Stow My Baggage? and the syndicated column "Baggage Handling." He is also the pseudonymous protagonist of Bill Scheft's new novel Everything Hurts. He has generously agreed to answer questions from readers of the Huffington Post every Wednesday and Friday.)
Dear Marty Fleck,
For the last 20 years, I have been developing a car that runs entirely on Fresca. Over the weekend, I finally perfected the engine, and now I can't find Fresca anywhere. Coincidence? Or does this conspiracy go every further than we dare think?
Un-Coal-Ah, Wabash, In.
Dear Un-Coal-Ah,
I would be skeptical and paranoid if I were you. Luckily, the first thing I do every morning is kneel at the altar of Marty Fleck and thank God I am not you. Point one, they still make Fresca. Point two, they still make Placidyl. Sure they're tough to find, but I recommend you keep looking and bang back a couple of both.
Are you listening to me? This is important. The government does not want a Fresca car. Not because it is too threatening to the auto and oil industry. They just don't like the aftertaste. What you need to do is go back to the drawing board and finish a much more urgent and necessary project: The submarine that runs on Alka-Seltzer. You need to have it done before Labor Day, so we be sure it'll be in the stores for Christmas. My nephew, Damien Reznick, wants one. Be a lamb, pop a Placidyl and get on it. You lunatic....
Did I say that? If I seem a tad more petulant than usual, forgive yourself. I cannot believe I decided to answer your letter rather than one that came in ten minutes later, from President Obama's national security adviser, who wanted to know if it was passive-aggressive to tell people the administration doesn't know if Osama Bin Laden is dead or alive. Doesn't know? Nobody has a computer over there? Am I the only one thinking? Just punch up Bin Laden's Facebook account and check his status. Hell-llllooooo??? And if you boys still think he's on MySpace, your intelligence clock badly needs to spring forward to half past George Tenet. MvSpace is sooooo October 11.