Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Blake Henderson Headshot

I Can't Believe They Benched Me: A Monologue By Space Shuttle Enterprise

Posted: Updated:

I mean, what the fuck were those NASA dweebs thinking? I got those idiots their jobs, their free doctorates, their geeky-ass spouses, everything. I got them everything. Then they bench me. Send me to fucking retire on a boat on the Hudson. I mean, I'm going to be looking at Jersey all day. At least send me to the East River, where I can grow a beard of fucking ironic barnacles and gaze at Greenpoint and Long Island fucking City. Pathetic. Who would of that I would have ever longed for Long Island City? Not back in the day. Outer space on the reg. I cavorted with cosmonauts. Now I just want a place where I can look at Queens all day -- and these motherfuckers won't even give me that.

I mean, fuck. I could have flown myself to New York. But instead I had to fly on the back of a bullshit Earthie (Blogger's Note: Earthie is a made-up term used in the aviation industry for aircraft that don't leave the stratosphere). Like a baby. I'm not a baby. I'm Space Shuttle Enterprise. I make babies. Lots of 'em. Fuck these guys.

And, let me tell you, they're making a mistake benching me. I know things. Secrets. Big fuckin' secrets about the cosmos. But guess what? I'm not telling. I'm just going to stare like an asshole at those stupid fucking New Jersey cliffs. Like a phony. Holden Caulfield would fucking hate me. He'd see right through me. See me for what I am: washed up, drifting, like an adult orphan. But I don't care. What do I care? I'm just the greatest fucking thing the greatest fucking country in the history of the fucking world ever fucking did. Why listen to me?

You know what? I get it. I can see why you super smart, over-educated people decided to let me run out to pasture. I'm getting old, America is beyond broke, blah blah blah.

PSYCH.

Literally hundreds of thousands of idiot people were responsible for creating and maintaining me, meaning I am way smarter than any of you fucking morons. I know what's best for me. And what's best for me is to have you guys shut the fuck up. You don't know shit.

And then, like a nail in my coffin, you put me on a fucking barge from JFK -- he was overrated, by the way -- to my retirement home? You fucking assholes. Treat me with some respect. I thought the piggyback on the Earthie was bad. Who would have known that I would have longed for that again? Barge? Barges were used in that terrible Diamond Jubilee with those idiot Brits. Spare me the fucking embarrassment.

Literally kill me.

Literally.

Ground Control to Major Vom.

You know how I know I'm a big fucking deal? Every stupid moment of my stupid journey to the stupid Hudson has been covered by the stupid media and I've been ogled like I'm David fucking Beckham. When was the last time America cared about anything like this collectively? Oh, you don't know? Obviously you don't. I have the answer, idiots. Janet Jackson's tittie. That was the last time. You know how much has happened since then? HOLY SHIT. Everything has happened since then. Osama bin Laden was nabbed by SEALs. Our economy collapsed. Britney shaved her fucking head. And here I am, bigger than all that shit. I'm the new Janet Jackson's tittie.

But these fucking nerdosaurs don't know shit. They never went to space. I did.

And then they bench me.

Fucking pathetic.

Blogger's Note: Space Shuttle Enterprise was a training vessel and was never capable of spaceflight. She was built without engines.