THE BLOG
11/28/2013 09:18 am ET | Updated Jan 28, 2014

50 Shades of Turkey

Fifty seems to be a popular number for lists. But why should 50 Shades of Grey get all the attention? In celebration of American Thanksgiving, I bring you the listapalooza "50 Shades of Turkey." An assortment of questionable, yet edible, turkey dishes.

Each dish was taste-tested by me. Sometimes more than once. Servings may include a barf bag.

1. The classic carved-by-Grandpa roast turkey dinner with all the trimmings. May include one of  Grandpa's fingers because the turkey hit the oven late and he got through a fifth of bourbon waiting "for that damn bird to be done already!"

2. Scarlet's Southern-style Turkey with Chitlin Gravy. It's a slave to make and takes 12 years to cook.

3. Turkey Mushroom Soup. Kids love this and often refer to it as "booger & snot surprise."

4. Turkey TV Dinner. Served in a 5-section tray and includes mashed turkey, mashed potato, mashed carrots, mashed peas, and apple sauce. Comes with its own water glass for your dentures.

5. Turducken. While delicious, parents should avoid preparing this dish in front of small children. You're not ready for the "up the butt" conversation.

6. Roast Turkey with Alligator Stuffing. You could lose a limb making this recipe but isn't family worth it?

7. Caviar-drizzled Turkey Gizzards. Because what says "Happy Thanksgiving" better than raw fish eggs and neck meat?

8. Flambéed Turkey in a Tequila Reduction. Guests will spend the rest of the night in the bathroom checking their stool for worms.

9. Thanksgiving Turkey Cake. It's a cake made from layers of ground turkey, sweet potato, mashed potato, cranberry sauce and stuffing and then capped off with a marshmallow topping. I'd kill the cook if this was served for dessert after eating turkey, sweet potato, mashed potato, cranberry sauce and stuffing.

10. Liver-flavored Turkey Rolls. Served with a side of onions and breath mints.

11. Turkey Thighs on a Bed of Seal Skin. Comes with its own club for those who prefer their skins fresh.

12. White Meat in White Sauce. Don't serve on white plates to visually impaired family members.

13. Turkey Pâté on Toast Points. Tell people it's goose liver and watch them ratchet up the accusations.

14. Rosemary Turkey Roast. Flavorful with just a hint of Aunt Rosemary.

15. Turkey Loaf. Easy to prepare and serve. Just pinch off each slice individually but wash your hands between pinches.

16. Baba Ghanoush Mock-Turkey Spread with Pita Chips. Make sure to serve two portions to cousin Leanne, a committed vegan, who bitches every year she feels left out. Conveniently forget to mention the turkey is not mock.

17. Beer-Can Turkey. Beer and poultry go together like "wam" and "bam." Which happens when you stuff a can of beer inside a turkey then set it in the deep-fryer.

18. Soylent & Turkey Meat Shake. Whip it up in your blender and drink straight from the mixer. For those too lazy to chew.

19. Poached Turkey. Not to be served if your brother-in-law is a cop or park ranger.  You don't need to spend the night sharing a cell with a bunch of turkey poaching losers. They'd 'gobble' you right up.

20. Sherry's German Turkey. Best cooked in a Dutch oven with Swiss cheese, Spanish onions, and served with a side of French fries. Finish it off with some English toffee or Scottish shortbread.

21. Turkey Feet Noodle Soup. Save the feet for a rousing after-dinner game of Turkey Hand Jive.

22. Turkey Cobbler Dessert. For the dedicated meat-eater in your family.

23. Turkey-Stuffed Prunes. Often referred to as "tummy turds" by the cooks who work in an old folks home.

24. Turkey Neck in Aspic. Be ready for someone to comment, "that looks familiar" as they stare at your neck.

25. Turkey Giblet Sausage. It's big and red and looks angry. For some reason my gay friends ask for seconds.

26. Turkey Pot Pie. A staple of the '60s kitchen when it was referred to as simply turkey pie. Back then they didn't roast pot, they smoked it. How ridiculous!

27. Creamed Turkey on Toast. Often referred to as shit on a shingle. I can't imagine why.

28. Turkey Tots. Comes with a side order of tater tots. A good way to use up those annoying leftover toddlers.

29.  Turkey BLT. Makes a change from your usual BLT: brains, liver, and testicles.

30. Drumsticks for Two. Unless you shopped at the Publix next to the nuclear power station and in that case, it's drumsticks for eight!

31. Easy Herb-Roasted Turkey. Smart solution when you can't afford to hire a hit man to take out your husband. He may have been difficult to live with but he roasts up nice and crispy.

32. Turkey Delight. Similar to Turkish Delight chocolate bars only without the chopped up Turks.

33. Turkey in a Bag. Everyone around the table is in the bag. Why leave out Mr. Gobbler just because he's cooked?

34. Ma Lipo's Apricot-Glazed Turkey. Ma is probably better known as the inventor of liposuction. This recipe gave her the idea.

35. Roast Turkey, Navy Style. Soaked in brine for 24 hours and then used to swab the poop deck. Should be rinsed before being planked and served.

36. Suntanned Turkey Roast. Smear with SPF 5000 and make sure you pluck the privates.

37. Oyster-Stuffed Turkey. Makes you hungry for sex but you're asleep before you finish dialing 1-800-Breast-or-Thigh.

38. Dad's Turkey Pizza. Comes with the telephone number for Pizza Hut and a tip for the driver.

39. Turkey Carcass Soup. You'll wish you don't find bones.

40. Big Bird Savory Turkey Legs. Once each for the twins, Bert and Ernie.

41. Bang-Bang Turkey Roast. Comes fully loaded with all the fixin's and individual body bags.

42. Turkey Paella. So spicy it'll have you screaming, "what the hella?"

43. British Turkey Bubble and Squeak. Two servings and you'll be able to treat your guests to some musical toots.

44. Open Turkey Sandwiches. Unlike closed turkey sandwiches, you get the feeling they really listen to your problems.

45. Turkey and Leek Pie. This is very important to remember. Don't let the turkey pee before roasting, otherwise it's just turkey pie.

46. Bacon-wrapped Turkey Breast. Two of man's favorite things. Boobs and bacon.

47.  Coronation Turkey. William and Kate's favorite way with turkey. If Charles ever gets off the pot.

48. Slow Cooked Pulled Turkey. Not for the faint-of-heart chef. Six hours being pulled on a rack before roasting. It's going to get noisy.

49. Whole Foods Vegetarian Turkey. Fuck the tofurky. Fool your guests with this lifelike replica of the real bird. At least until that first bite.

Now my personal all-time favorite. The one I always rely on to get me in the holiday spirit:

50. Vodka-brined turkey stuffed with olives. Served in a 2-quart glass baking dish. Hold the turkey.

What's on your table today?

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