THE BLOG

Second Amendment Rites

06/11/2013 08:38 am ET | Updated Aug 11, 2013

Author Bob Blau describes himself as a long-time toiler in the mines of state government and resident of the little blue heart of Texas, as well as the 5th most boring person on the planet. He figures there must be four worse.

Katelyn lost another AK-47 at school today. That girl couldn't hang on to a weapon if her life depended on it. Which it does.

"Gol-ly, Honey!" I scolded. "That's the third one this month! What happened this time?"

"Gosh, Dad, I don't know," she snuffled apologetically. "I was putting on makeup in the girls' room with Caitlin, and I just put it down for a minute, and the next thing you know, it was gone!"

"And you didn't see anyone else around?" I asked.

"Not a soul," she said. "Caitlin thinks al-Qaetlynne nicked it, but we didn't really see anyone."
"Weren't you going to break up with Brad?" I asked, somewhat alarmed. "You know you need to be armed for that."

"Not till tonight, Dad."

"Oh, well," I sighed. "You'd better get another one, then. Here, I'll give you the key to the armory."

"It's ok, Dad," she piped. "I already have one."

"No, I'm afraid not," I sighed again. "I had to have the locks changed again last week."

"Uh-oh!" she chimed. "What was it this time?"

"My weapons-grade plutonium went missing. That stuff isn't as cheap as it used to be." I thought it was time to change the subject. "So, how did you manage for the rest of the day? Unarmed, you know."

"I stuck pretty close to Caitlin. She has some awesome artillery." Katelyn paused. "You know Ms. Hooper?"

"History teacher?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's her. She disapproves of all the armaments."

"Funny opinion for a history teacher," I said. "She should know her Second Amendment. By law, it's posted in every classroom in the country. Right under "In God We Trust" and the Ten Commandments."

"Well, I think she's just pissed off because she has to replace her car every ten days," said Katelyn.

"Watch your language, young lady!" I admonished.

Katelyn rolled her eyes.

I did remember that there was a teacher who had her car blown up every week or so. "Didn't they ever catch the person who was doing that?" I asked.

"Nah. Whoever it is uses a standard issue rocket launcher. It could be anyone," she said. "I think it's more than one person. Hooper's a pretty spiteful old bag."

"About tonight," I said, returning to more important issues, "after you break up with Brad, I want you to back out slowly. Don't turn your back on him, even for a second!"

"Da-yad!" Another eye roll. "I'm not a baby anymore! I've done this before, and I don't need you to cover me anymore, either! When I broke up with Cody, half the school saw you out on the sidewalk with your grenade launcher. I was so embarrassed!"

"Well, I was just looking out for my little girl," I blushed. "Oh, while you're in the armory, would you get me a PUN?"

"Let's see. One Personal Usable Nuke," she mused. "Ah, here's one! Didn't you take one this morning?"

"Of course," I replied. "But some SOB cut me off on I-35, and I had to smoke 'im. He returned fire with his pathetic little tail gun, but ... too little, too late. Hee, hee!"

"Yeah, I noticed there was a headlight out on the Humvee," Katelyn observed.

"Darn!" I swore. "He did hit something, after all! Guess I'll have to take it in to the shop."

"Um, Dad?" she crooned in her most wheedling voice. "There's one more little thing..."
"Which is?" I asked suspiciously.

"I need some more hazmat suits for school," she said.

"What's wrong with the ones you have?" I asked.

"They're all pink!" she said with distaste. "That was all right for middle school, but it's too girly-girl for high school. I want something in an iridescent red. Something more in tune with the atmosphere."

I considered that. "Well, ok," I decided. "They're having a sale at Target. You can buy some there. Here's the credit card. But ... if you go after you break up with Brad, I want you to take the Abrams M-1A1 battle tank. Can't be too careful!"

"Ooo, thanks, Dad" cooed my Katelyn. "I just love the M-1A1! It drives like a ... well, like a tank!"
God bless America.