WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Republicans across the nation are scrambling to defend President George W. Bush after he ate a baby during a visit to the White House kitchen early last evening.
Eye witnesses report that the president left the White House residence at around 8:05 p.m. eastern time wearing what appeared to be a crudely stitched "woman suit made from actual women". He then entered the White House kitchen where he ate a baby with a side order of "a Cobb Salad containing raw puppy heads".
"I'm a baby eater. An eater of babies," the president told reporters this morning in the Rose Garden. "That's my job. My job is to tell the American people what I eat. And I eat babies and puppies while wearing suits of women. At least you know where I stand."
The presidential "Suit of Women" has been confirmed as having been fashioned from obese D.C. area residents who were coaxed into a nondescript van driven by Bush and his senior political advisor Karl Rove.
The women were forced to, "Put the lotion on their skin or else they get the hose again," says an anonymous White House source. The skins of the women were then harvested and sewn together into a costume which, when worn, makes the president appear to be an actual woman.
Photographs of the suit, which is allegedly flattering to the president's groin region, have yet to be released to the public.
Officials have not yet confirmed the identities of the women or the baby, but it has been confirmed that the president dropped the two-week-old child into a blender, set the device for "liquefy", then drank it down in only a few short gulps. He then decapitated several puppies, dropped them into a bed of lettuce and, "Scarfed it down like a Viking," said a White House kitchen employee.
REPUBLICANS DEFEND AND SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT
"Our goal isn't to play the blame game during an on-going investigation because the investigation is going on in an on-going kind of way indicative of an investigation," White House press secretary Scott McClellan told reporters. "There's a time for that and that time isn't now."
Republicans, however, are already calling for an investigation into the "inaction" of the White House kitchen staff for allowing this to happen.
"I'm not going to engage in the blame game. That baby was stupid for not running away and calling 911 for assistance," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX). "And I've seen the president's woman suit up close and I can tell you, it's better than mine. Never-the-less, the kitchen staff should be held accountable for letting this happen on their turf."
"I'm not going to engage in the blame game. That baby was stupid for not running away and calling 911 for assistance," said Republican Senator Trent Lott. "And I've seen the president's woman suit up close and I can tell you, it's better than mine. Never-the-less, the kitchen staff should be held accountable for letting this happen on their turf."
"I'm not going to engage in the blame game. That baby was stupid for not running away and calling 911 for assistance," said conservative Fox News host Sean Hannity. "And I've seen the president's woman suit up close and I can tell you, it's better than mine. Never-the-less, the kitchen staff should be held accountable for letting this happen on their turf."
"That baby was stupid for not running away and calling 911 for assistance," said formerly unknown conservative talk radio host Studs Pepperoni. "And I've seen the president's woman suit up close and I can tell you, it's better than mine. Never-the-less, the kitchen staff should be held accountable for letting this happen on their turf."
"Those women should be penalized for allowing themselves to get so fat and thus ripening themselves for skin harvesting," Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) commented on a Pennsylvania cable access show. Santorum had no comment on the puppies.
Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh blamed former president Bill Clinton, "Folks, the eees-syooo here has nothing to do with babies or women or blenders or puppies. This has everything to do with Bill Clinton -- you know something folks -- Snerdly is telling me to cut it, but -- ummmm -- the nigg -- you know, I mean babies -- Clinton had eight years to stop babies from being ingested."
BLOGOSPHERE REACTION
While progressive bloggers are calling for the immediate arrest and impeachment of the president, denizens of the right-wing blogosphere immediately weighed in with their thoughts on the presidential crisis.
"Whiny libs are fags." -GOPawesome420.
"Shut up traitors attaking the prez is just showig your faggy lib colors." -Dittofan56.
"You lost, we won, get over it you whiny homos." -Nospinguy57.
BUSH FAMILY REACTION
The president's mother, Barbara Bush told reporters during a visit to Texas, "Those puppies were going to be used as fishing bait anyway, they're much better off now. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHA! HA!"
"It hurts me to the core that the liberal elite have begun to attack my boy," former president George H. W. Bush said Friday. "I know my boy and he's a compassionate, caring person. He could've eaten the baby alive, but he took the care to blend it up first. Round and round doing that thing a blender does down there."
LIKE A MERRY-GO-ROUND
Congressman Tom DeLay added this morning, "I bet the baby thought it was an amusement park ride. The blender must've been like a merry-go-round then the president's throat was like a fun water slide."