THE BLOG
06/08/2007 02:19 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Evangelicals Admit That God Is An Evildoer

This week on his radio show, James Dobson, the homophobic evangelical minister and grand wizard of Focus On The Family, endorsed the following words of another minister named John MacArthur:

"God would be just in any calamity that he brought upon us. [...] We like to talk about the fact that America was founded on Christian principles, God was at the center of it, and all of that -- whatever it might have been in our founding, it's no longer the way it is, and I want to show you how you know that has happened. You know a society has been abandoned by God when it celebrates lesbian sex."

Really, now.

I have one very basic question for Mr. Dobson and Mr. MacArthur: In the name of Wild Berry Flavored Astroglide! Have you guys ever actually seen lesbian sex? Clearly not, because if you gave it a chance, you'd celebrate it, too. Maybe not with party hats and novelty lesbian sex goodie-bags (or maybe so), but I doubt that you'd dry heave then scramble to click over to one of Michelle Malkin's embarrassingly sad videos. No, after a few seconds you'd absolutely be quoting Paulie Walnuts, "Check out the stems on blondie!"

But in the twisted and cowardly world of James Dobson and John MacArthur, gay sex will bring about the destruction of an American city. It's God's wrath, they say.

In other words, what they're implying is that if another American city is attacked, God is the Bin Laden -- and He's declared a jihad against lesbians and the subsequent celebration of lesbians. Similarly, the late Stay-Puft Jerry Falwell believed that God punished America on September 11 for its harboring of gays, feminists and abortionists. Again, God is the real attacker here.

God, it seems, is an evildoer. All He needs is a video camera, dialysis machine and a pudgy, bearded sidekick and he's all set for a holy war.

But God isn't the only evildoer here. These ministers have literally admitted to God being the real terrorist, and they've admitted to praising God, so they're with the terrorists. So why haven't they been detained and shipped away to those secret torture hostels where scary interrogation contractors are mandated to electrocute their pristine scrotal flesh with those zappy sponge prods from Lethal Weapon? Why hasn't Pat Robertson been waterboarded yet?

Jack Bauer, in two distinct volume levels, should be forcing them to answer: "Where is the location of God's spider hole?! WHERE IS GOD'S HOLE!?" And, "Where is He and what the Christ is He planning next, damn your eyes?! WHAT THE CHRIST AND DAMN YOUR EYES!"

This is urgent. God has attacked and He surely has the justification to attack again, no?

"God would be just in any calamity that he brought upon us," MacArthur said and Dobson endorsed. God is ready to vaporize your children and America's evangelical ministers agree that He has every right to do so. Guilty!

The only way for Dobson and the like to prove their loyalty to America is to either be with us or with the terrorists. Declare a War On Radical God. Get some muscle behind it, too: secretly torture the preachers who refuse to comply (see scrotal prods above); preemptively invade and occupy Bob Jones University; illegally wiretap some prayers (but only the prayers originating from inside the U.S. directed outside the country, i.e. Heaven). The playbook is available, so let's use it.

That's a War On Terrorism I might be able to support. If there's any bright side to the death of habeas corpus, this could be it. Meanwhile, gentlemen, if you insist on continuing to side with Hosanna Bin God-en (nailed it!), please leave the lesbian sex alone.

Rowan: "Gareth, quick trust exercise, ultimate fantasy?"
Gareth: "Hmm?"
David: "We're just doing the ultimate fantasy, we're all doing it."
Gareth: "Two lesbians probably, sisters. I'm just watching."
Rowan: "OK. Erm. Tim? Do you have one?"
Tim: "I'd never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?"
-THE OFFICE (UK)

--------

Watch KUNG FU JIMMY CHOW. The new animated series produced by Camp Chaos for Heavy.com.