Rick Santorum says that hurricane victims who remained in their homes should be penalized. The Republicans are rushing to get the first of the relief dollars to... Mississippi, where Trent Lott's highly acclaimed front porch once existed. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Secretary of Homeland Security are getting their major catastrophe information from newspaper headlines that don't exist other than in Karl Rove's imagination -- and making decisions (or not) based on those imaginary headlines.
And George W. Bush, the man responsible for appointing and/or supporting these criminally negligent excuses for "protectors of the homeland", is going to oversee an investigation into what went wrong.
The same man who stood, invisible six-shooters at the ready, in a hangar on Friday flanked by rescue choppers which weren't rescuing anything except the last shreds of his crumbling reputation.
The same man who only stopped smirking and joking -- kind of -- as of Monday's visit to the Gulf region.
The same man who, some 12-24 hours after the levees broke was air-guitaring a pathetic G-chord with country singer Mark Wills in the hurricane stricken region of San Diego.
The same man who said that no-one anticipated that the levees would break; a result anticipated by experts, scientists, people watching the news, and fictional Play-Dough man Mr. Bill.
The same man who stood smirking next to FEMA chief Mike Brown and vouched for the good job "Brownie" was doing.
The same man who allowed his good friend and Secretary of State to laugh along with "Spamalot" on Broadway while the Superdome disintegrated into Thunderdome.
So we're to gather that this will be an impartial and independent investigation then.
What has history taught us about Bush's mighty fact-finding skills?
Like the 9/11 Commission investigation, the president might offer his side of the story without any written transcript, without recording devices, and with Cheney kicking him under the table whenever he giggles "Eh-eh-eh-eh!" at the mention of the word "dyke."
Maybe Bush will summon proof that a few bad apples were to blame for the torture and execution of those who, as Rebecca Hagelin of the conservative Heritage Foundation wrote Tuesday, weren't dignified enough to behave in the same manner as the steerage passengers on the Titanic -- because of rap music.
Or maybe, like the WMD debacle, the president's investigation might reveal that Bush's goal wasn't to rescue or help, but to guide and supervise from afar. Then when that's proven to be grossly incorrect, the investigation might reveal that the goal was to ultimately bring a new, fancier dome-shaped home to the poor people of New Orleans. Then when that's proven to be hogwash, they'll claim that their goal was to just finish the job as a way to honor those who died.
We can't possibly expect in a million years that this farcical "Gareth Keenan Investigates!" charade will reveal to us the full story of what went wrong within Bush's inner circle. No Bush investigation will ever point to his embarrassing and destructive lack of presence, leadership, and decisiveness last week when children, senior citizens, and amputees in wheelchairs cooked and dehydrated to death while clinging to the few remaining dry spots in New Orleans.
No Bush investigation will show that all this new infrastructure he's bragged about since 9/11 might've been nothing but a political prop, just like those silent choppers in that hangar on Friday. Where was this multi-billion dollar infrastructure last week when all the "stronger and safer" demagoguery proved to be about as useful as a paper condom? No Bush investigation will show that, despite all the bluster and scary speeches about evil-doers, we're no safer than we were before 9/11.
This so-called investigation will prove to be nothing short of useless subterfuge for one very basic reason. As a result of partisan Republican control of our government, the Mobius Loop of idiocy invariably leads back to the Oval Office. His party, his allies, his friends, his decisions, his word, his political advisor guiding the talking points for the entire GOP population. How could it not?
Every deadly error, every mispoken word, every smirk, every petulant remark, every misstep we've observed spread out over five years has been condensed into a single week and underscored by thousands of dead bodies. Had this been "President Kerry," there'd already be a Fox Cheney Channel carrying 24-hours of the (hypothetically former) Vice President repeating over-and-over that only the Bush administration could've kept America safe.
But the man who promised us safety and security for five years is now promising us an investigation to figure out 1) what went wrong everywhere but in his various offices, and 2) how to make us even more safe and even more secure. So we were supposed to be safe and secure before, which we weren't, and now after the colossal errors of Hurricane Katrina we're expected -- as patriotic Americans -- to trust more of the same tripe? Nice try, Mr. President. Now resign already so we can get going with some actual safety and security.