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Karl Rove Out There Walking The Streets

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Whenever we talk about criminals, we traditionally worry that somehow they'll slip through the cracks and end up "out there walking the streets." No-one wants the freakdogs of society out there walking around on our goddamn socialized streets.

But there he goes anyway... Karl Rove, the second most infamous villain of our time, leaving the White House at the end of the month.

And then what?

He'll be out there walking the streets.

Personally, I'd rather have Karl Rove in the White House where he's preoccupied by this uproariously laughable effort to make the Bush administration sound capable and popular.

One of the more recent and ridiculous lines he probably wrote for the president, "If they're still analyzing the presidency of George Washington -- presidents shouldn't worry about the history," is testimony to his efficacy in his present gig.

Coming up with hilariously illogical lines like that, no wonder he doesn't have time for anything else, including his -- huh-what? Wife? He has a wife? Who knew that? Has anyone checked the back of the photo on Rove's desk to make sure it wasn't cut out of a magazine? Here's a sure-fire way to tell if she's real or not: has he employed that yarn about his mysterious wife being Canadian, and that they met at Niagara Falls? Check it out.

But there's no telling what Karl Rove will do now that he's soon to be out there walking the streets. Out there -- with the rest of us. With your kids! Bored and thirsty for some action. Beads of anxious sweat forming around his one hair and rolling down his bulbous forehead. Eyes scanning left and right -- watching, waiting for someone to totally ratfuck.

A poet once wrote, "You can take the boy out of ratfucking, but you can't take the ratfucking out of the boy." So true.

Karl Rove is one of those legendary mythological creatures: half doughy man-boy, half ratfucker. It's his nature. Once a ratfucker, always a ratfucker. Remove the Bush White House from the equation and he'll be ratfucking all over the place. Ratfucking in the private sector. Ratfucking at the mall. Ratfucking in the self-checkout aisle at the grocery store. Seriously, have you considered what he can accomplish with those touch-screen checkout computers? He'll go in for a box of corn dogs and walk out as the owner of the franchise, and you'll be the one under investigation for shoplifting corn dogs.

Karl Rove... out there walking the streets. Lock your doors and check the ethnicity of your illegitimate children. That's right, Mr. Wealthy Future Next-Door-Neighbor of Karl Rove, one day, when you least expect it, you'll open your golf club newsletter and read all about your brand new illegitimate black baby. Your wife could be outted to Matt Cooper as half-Mexican. All so Karl Rove can hork that extra 1,000-square-foot easement on your property to build his whites-only hip-hop recording studio.

And oh yes, he'll try to get the rest of us, too, one way or another. Maybe he'll consult with the oil or tobacco industry. Suddenly Fox News Channel reports: "Oil And Tobacco! Awesome Salad Dressing?" Steve Doocy reports, "Why do Democrats hate oil which is from dinosaurs? I thought the Democrats believed in evolution! Isn't that weird?" Karl Rove: World's Greatest Lobbyist! Aw man, hell no.

So I'm not savoring the resignation of Karl Rove. But I do feel comforted by the fact that history will peg him as the nation's most powerful ratfucker. History will write that Karl Rove was a man who politicized 9/11; helped to take us to war in Iraq so his boss could be re-elected; a man who helped to violate national security in order to settle a political vendetta; and a man whose nickname verified that our 43rd president has uttered the fecal euphemism "turd" hundreds of times.

And now he's out there walking the streets.