PRESIDENT BUSH, blasted on hooch, will drive a fishing boat aimlessly in the fountain on the south lawn of the White House for days on end -- desperately trying to conjure a bullhorn moment to rally support against his impeachment.
BUSH APOLOGISTS will praise the president's eventual bullhorn statement of, "And Fountain-y? You're doing a heckuva job," as Lincoln-esque. Zombie-like, the Apologists will take to the streets chanting, "One of us! One of us!" Impeachment hearings are cancelled and Bush's face is carved into the Moon.
PRESIDENT CLINTON will be arrested, tried, and convicted on charges that Bush wiretapped American citizens without warrants.
THE 2006 MIDTERMS will be cancelled by the president, claiming that a possible Democratic majority in Congress would jeopardize national security by diminishing his authority; and that a change in government here would damage the Iraqi democratic process.
THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT will continue to spread Jesus' gospel of love, peace, forgiveness, and tolerance -- while promoting hate, war, torture, and bigotry.
TUCKER CARLSON'S "new for 2006" trademark clothing item? The Slim Goodbody unitard.
BILL O'REILLY will defend the true meaning of Easter by accusing "radical secular Easter Bunny blow-up-ists" of wanting to blow up the Easter Bunny. Factor ratings soar.
SEAN HANNITY'S White House disinformation brain implant will momentarily jar itself loose during an episode of "Hannity & Colmes." When this occurs, Hannity will sit bolt upright and stare directly into the camera while begging, "Somebody pleeeeeease hhhheeeellllp meeeeee!" The implant will reconnect to the White House Disinformation Server and Hannity will resume discussing how Dick Cheney loves poor people.
DICK CHENEY will construct an overly-elaborate supervillain laser-guided wood chipper contraption into which he'll feed poor people, the elderly, Constitutional scholars, and kittens. Cheney hates kittens and their "desperate, longing eyes." The minced juice from the machine will be fed intravenously into the back of Cheney's right knee, and his life force will be replenished in perpetuity.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 3546-1a-2006 is signed by President Bush. We're all re-named "Stretch".
THE SUN will explode. Meanwhile, cable news channels will be covering the rescue of a toddler who wandered away from her parents inside a Dunkin Donuts. Viewers of Countdown with Keith Olbermann are the only humans to escape safely.
Happy New Year!