Okay, stuff, get ready to have the shit thanked out of you.
Hurricane Rita
I love watching people fall down. And when Shepard Smith of the Fox News Channel was lifted off his feet and plunked down onto that grassy knoll during Hurricane Rita, I laughed the laugh of all laughs. Watch it, it's funny. Thanks, Hurricane Rita! And thanks to Shepard Smith's baseball cap which provided much needed wind resistance to make that beautiful moment possible.
The Colbert Report
My glee at the sight of people falling down notwithstanding (I'm 6'4" so when I fall down, it's REALLY hilarious), this show could be the funniest on television. With the words, "Black hole at the center of the galaxy? You're on notice!" Stephen Colbert had me hooked. Seriously, it's one of very few shows on television worth staying up two hours later than the president. Thanks, Mr. Colbert!
Jean Schmidt's Patriotic Unitard
When I was eight-years-old my parents made me throw away my Evel Knievel costume. Thanks, Jean, for bringing that risky fashion statement back to the mainstream.
Jean Schmidt's Tenacious Hair Clip
Hang in there, buddy. I know it's a hard work keeping her Sith-withered face from retracting in on itself, but you're doing it! Thanks, Jean Schmidt's Tenacious Hair Clip!
The Spam of Bart Simpson Humping A Naked Female Simpsons Character
Aye, carumba! Get it? That's Bart's catch phrase and I used it to connote my reaction to this item because I'm so clever. Not since the car-windshield-sticker of Calvin & Hobbes pissing has the bastardized image of a cartoon character been so deliciously subversive. Those of you with better spam filters than me are truly missing out on spam genius. Thanks, The Spam of Bart Simpson Humping A Naked Female Simpsons Character.
The Photographer Who Snapped This Picture
The Collective Bullshit of The President, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly
Okay, stop dudes. You're making it too easy now. I believe that withdrawal from booze, Oxycontin, and sexy, sexy falafels is causing the three of you to go a little loopy in public. Hence, a field day for pissed off miscreants like me. Oh and whenever you guys say something really ridiculous like, "I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees," or, "San Francisco is sooo terrorism worthy," (paraphrased) or, "I'm named 'Rush Limbaugh!'" ultimately it's great for the nation because, you see, people aren't stupid. We might enjoy watching people fall down, but we're not idiots and can see right through your collective bullshit. Thanks for the collective bullshit, boys!
Other Republicans Who Do and Say Stupid Shit
Thirteen years ago, the world was robbed of Dan Quayle. Thanks, Other Republicans Who Do and Say Stupid Shit, for filling that gaping hole in our snarky hearts to overflowing. I'm looking at you, Tom DeLay, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Bill Frist, Scooter Libby, Jack Abramoff, Jeff Gannon-Guckert, Mike Brown, Rick Santorum, Sean Hannity, Pat Robertson, and Scott McClellan. Actually, I'm not literally looking at you. That would be creepy and omnicient. I'm really looking at a show on History Channel called "America Eats: History on a Bun". Nevertheless, I'd be dishonest if I said we don't need you. Without your pudding-like lizard brains, making fun of the GOP would require too much effort.
Howard Stern
Along with The Photographer Who Snapped This Picture, The Colbert Report, and Hurricane Rita (knocking Shepard Smith onto the grassy knoll), this is a thanks I'm truly sincere about. Despite what Howard says on the air about Chiusano dumping so many of his jokes, this past year of broadcasts have been some of the best in the history of the show. Between the prank calls to Eric the Midget; the Sulu Dance Song; and Shoo-Shoo Retarded Flu, I can't think of any other year of shows that top 2005. And yessir, my Sirius radio is ready to roll. Thanks, Howard Stern.
Other People Whose Work Inspires Me
Simon Pegg, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Peter Jackson, Adam McKay, Will Ferrell, Keith Olbermann, Jon Stewart, Brad Bird, Steve Hillenburg, Bill Maher, Rob Corddry, George Carlin, David Milch, Randi Rhodes, Al Franken, Larry David, Steve Carell, Former President Jimmy Carter, John Christian Plummer, Jim Biederman, and Brian Lynch. Thanks, everyone!
Eggs
Year-in and year-out, I love eggs! Thanks, eggs.
The New Slang Term "Asshat"
I'm not quite sure where this one came from but as I proceed through my various creative endeavors and require an appropriate yet hilarious insult word, "asshat" is by my side like a dear friend... a dear friend that supposes a hat designed for one's ass. Thanks, The New Slang Term "Asshat".
Arianna Huffington
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine one of my hastily assembled and vitriolic rants would be sandwiched between more graceful and finely crafted works by John Conyers and David Mamet. For that, I will be eternally grateful. And for what it's worth, I spent several hours this week Photoshopping my head into the photos from the Gawker Media party. I'm pathetic! Yet I feel like I was right there with you -- and, oddly, Bill Maher was prickly to me. Damn you, Bill, for being prickly to me in my imagination.