The Most Ridiculous Political Quote of 2008

Reviewing the constant variety of political and cable news hackery from a year that was so thoroughly clogged with incredibly ridiculous performances that we barely avoided a massive eruption of liquid hot crazy, we can easily find more than a few quotes that were almost totally overlooked, along with too many hacks, hoopleheads and outright doofs who weren't given a full turn at the flogging pole.

For instance, I'm hoping that in 2009 TIME blogger and MSNBC contributor Mark Halperin is finally recognized as not just another very serious haircut amongst a media gaggle of masturbation-addicted cardboard standees, but in fact as a Drudge-caliber hackery-factory providing the establishment media with absolutely the most unforgivably ridiculous pearls of conventional wisdom in an already super-stupid media world.

Out of all of the various lists documenting the year's worst this or that, I haven't spotted any of Halperin's greatest hits for some reason. His insufferably decrepit posts include the daily "Five Important People Who Aren't Obama" lists which appear to be five totally random names blurted out in numerical order without any explanation or insight -- ostensibly proving that he can both spell and count. The parasitic hackery twin to his "Halperin's Take" posts are his PageCast videos in which he tells us about news events, and that we should "watch out for them." For example: Congress! Watch to see what happens with it and what the congressional members say in Congress.

Yeah... and...? This is sort of like a doctor telling you, "You have a thing. Watch to see what happens. Bye!" Naturally there isn't anything after the "and..." because it would ruin the illusion that Halperin knows something.

He's also famously responsible for hands-down the most ridiculous establishment media blog post from all of 2008: "Things McCain can do when running against Obama that Clinton has been unable to do well or at all." In it, he lists a series of recommendations to the McCain campaign for how it could defeat the Obama campaign in the general election, including these very serious tips:

6. Allow some supporters to risk being accused of using the race card when criticizing Obama.

7. Exploit Michelle Obama's mistakes and address her controversial remarks with unrestricted censure.

Remember, this is TIME. Not some fringe far-right conspiracy blog -- wait, or maybe it is. Either way, how else do you explain the kicker:

11. Emphasize Barack Hussein Obama's unusual name and exotic background through a Manchurian Candidate prism.

In other words, embrace the false whisper campaign rumors labeling then-Senator Obama as a one-man terrorist sleeper cell. Later, after Media Matters and others called him out, Halperin updated this post with the truly lame excuse: "This is analysis of what is likely to happen, not advice or endorsement." Uh-huh. So "things McCain can do" isn't advice? Halperin also deleted an entire paragraph which indicated advice to McCain's staff and replaced it with two backpedaling paragraphs -- neither of which was noted as a correction or update.

But Halperin aside, there was one jaw-droppingly ridiculous quote that went almost entirely overlooked, perhaps because it was one of seemingly hundreds of nincompoopish displays of nincompoopery -- all of which were unforgivingly compressed into a dense, rapid-fire three months of political insanity.

This means only one thing. The quote comes from Governor Sarah Palin.

As I'm sure you'll recall, Sarah Palin had trouble with things like "facts" -- specifically and most shamefully, she had no idea what the Vice President of the United States does. I mean, no clue. Which is fine, I suppose, unless you're actually running to become, you know, the vice president. On several public occasions (I can't even imagine the verbal fumbling during private rehearsals), she was specifically asked to describe the job and I'm reasonably certain she never once got it right. For example:

...a Vice President has a really great job, because no only are they there to support the President agenda, they're like a team member, the team mate to that President. But also, they're in charge of the United States Senate, so if they want to they can really get in there with the Senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom. And it's a great job and I look forward to having that job.

Yeah, it sounds like a great job, if she had been running for Senate Majority Leader, that is.

And during the vice presidential debate -- the vice presidential debate! -- she was asked to describe the role of the vice president, and this was one of her two answers:

Well, our founding fathers were very wise there in allowing through the Constitution much flexibility there in the office of the vice president. And we will do what is best for the American people in tapping into that position and ushering in an agenda that is supportive and cooperative with the president's agenda in that position. Yeah, so I do agree with him that we have a lot of flexibility in there, and we'll do what we have to do to administer very appropriately the plans that are needed for this nation.

What about that agenda and there also? Cooperative with the president's... whah? And yet the post-debate conventional wisdom was that she somehow nailed it. Mark Halperin gave her a "B" and wrote: "...she succeeded enormously. She had a solid 90 minutes of rapid, confident discourse... didn't leave Tina Fey much to work with."

Yeah, she couldn't accurately or coherently describe the job for which she was campaigning, but since she didn't choke on her own tongue, well then, great success! And as for Tina Fey? The vice presidential debate sketch was probably the funniest of the year. Good call, Halperin.

But that wasn't the worst of it. Here now, The Most Ridiculous Political Quote of the Year, courtesy of Sarah Palin on October 4, 2008:

Q: One of the things you talked about last night was the flexibility the vice president has-- PALIN: Yeah.

Q: --Uh. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: Uh. That thankfully our founders were wise enough to say we have this position and it's constitutional -- vice president will be able to be not only the position flexible, but it's gonna be those other duties as assigned by the president. A simple thing.

That last sort-of sentence -- "a simple thing" -- was actually correct, believe it or not. The vice president's job description, according to the Constitution, is an extraordinarily simple thing. Which, consequently, makes it unbelievably difficult to butcher. Like Sarah Palin did. Multiple times. But in this instance, on the FOX News Channel with Carl Cameron, she couldn't even form actual sentences using words that line up to form a coherent thought. In fact, I would love to see the sentence structure for "vice president will be able to be not only the position flexible." Position flexible?

That she wasn't summarily laughed off of the national stage right then and there is a testament to the forgiveness of horny middle-aged white Republican men. Yes, in 2008 the Republicans nominated for vice president a person who on multiple occasions couldn't accurately say: The vice president breaks ties in the Senate, and succeeds the president if he or she is killed or incapacitated. Instead we got something about "position flexible" and a lot of winking.

And she's already being championed as a favorite for the Senate in 2010 -- not to mention as a serious contender for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination. This naturally means we'll get to hear more from Sarah Palin for many years to come as a de facto leader of the Republican Party. We can only hope that she'll be asked to describe these jobs many, many times along the way.

Happy New Year Position Flexible There Also!

BobCesca.com

Order my book: One Nation Under Fear, with a foreword by Arianna Huffington. Also available in stores.

Comments

[kpostero]

Mr. Cesca, you are soooo funny! I just love your intelligent process, especially like in this article where you hold people accountable for their own buffoonery! And, you are not afraid to tell it like it is:

"That she wasn't summarily laughed off of the national stage right then and there is a testament to the forgiveness of horny middle-aged white Republican men."

And your closing ("Happy New Year Position Flexible There Also!") is priceless. Thanks for giving us lots to laugh over.

[soonhappyamerica]

Palin was a failure as a VP nominee, a failure as a parent who couldn't get her own daughter to avoid a teen pregnancy through ABSTINENCE, while she lectures the rest of the world about it. She's has failed to speak English, with proper sentence structure and coherency, failed to parden all but one turkey. Failed to be a dignified human being by accepting an outrageous amount of clothing with outrageous price tags for her and her family. She has failed in so many ways and if I were her, I would be so embarrassed, that I would keep my mouth shut for the next few years by spending as much time as I could to convince her daughter and Levi Johnston to finish high school which is unlikely.

And most of all, I would recuse myself as governor for being too dumb, too corrupt, and too sarcastic to do good by the state of Alaska.

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

I don't know Bob, the bit about her reading ALL of the books and periodicals seemed ridiculous to me.

On the other hand, I'm using the Palin strategy in my campaign to become the CEO of GM - I live in Northern Indiana and I can see Michigan from my house. (wink, wink)

[yaworsja]

You mean the Tina Fey strategy? Or can you not tell the two apart, cause, you know, Tina's impression is so gosh darn good?

[exhale09]

We laugh at Sarah Palin's lack of political knowledge, and scoff at those who support her, wondering "how could they possibly be so stupid?" but Palin's supporters have different GOALS then the rest of us. Their goals are based in the FAR RIGHT FUNDALMENTISTS religious beliefs. It has nothing to do with our CONSTITUTION, which is why Sarah hasn't bothered to understand our Constitution, and Bush was bent on weakening and misinterpreting our Constitution to suit his purpose.
The PURPOSE, to reinterpret the Constitution, replace it with their RELIGOUS beliefs. GOD'S LAWS, according to them, and they have been at it for decades. They recognized that radicalizing the Supreme Court with far right fundalmentlists, was a crucial step towards their goals.

We laugh at them, but to them this is serious business, mandated by God. That is the only language they are well versed in and in all of Sarah's words, where WE heard incoherent nonsense, THEY heard religious code geared to their particular religious goals. To us it was gibberish, to them it is music.

It's a mistake to underestimate the Religious Far Right, who believe they are being directly Commanded by the ONLY COMMANDER who counts, GOD....to fulfill the PROPHECIES of REVELATIONS according to their interpretation. They are modern day PURITANS, radical moralists, who have turned Christian Faith into a cult like obsession and they believe they are COMMANDED to inflict their beliefs on the entire world.

Laugh, but be wary.

[DCinFrance]

No, it was gibberish, but it didn't and doesn't matter to them. I every other way, you're right. Fundamentalists are outright dangerous, whether they are amassed under a cross or a crescent moon.

[clamperken]

The saddest part of Sarah Palins unintelligible gibberish is her religious retoric. I am not a religious man myself, however I have a wonderful friend who is a Christian. She is also a democrat. To her Sarah Palin and her ilk have desacrated the idea of Christianity. My friend believes that these far rightwing fanaticals are anything but Christian and has assured me that there is a special place in he// awaitting them. She also agrees that they are extremely dangerous and should not be underestimated.

[schatsie]

You know I saw that list and I believe that McCain let it happen as much as possible, but he never got Rove to work for him....

If Rove had pulled all the stuff he is fully capable of and Barack still won, it is because votes were undercounted and people are SICK OF TRICKLE DOWN....They have listened to it for 30 years and have finally lived with the consequences and are sick of RICH PEOPLE getting away with their Shenanigans... See FREE LUNCH...

ROVE AND GINRICH ARE IN THE WINGS and will pull any stunts they can to RENEW THE CONTRACT ON AMERICA and cut the taxes for the WEALTHY SOME MORE.

[KarenGeorgetown]

Was the Hussein middle name thing always brought up when there was no rational liberal about? I wish someone would say, "Yes, but Barack is a Hebrew name." I think for even the most right-wing, paranoid, xenophobe they would cancel each other out, right?

[LkTappsHillbilly]

I love my life. I can read, review, and remember such political history as this. Thanks Mr Cesca

[RobinSeattle]

"Remember, this is TIME. Not some fringe far-right conspiracy blog -- wait, or maybe it is. Either way, how else do you explain the kicker:"

You do know that TIME is a Republican rag, right? Google up its history and you'll see what I mean. They are the folks that brought us Alf Landon as a possible presidential candidate, after all, and they haven't changed.

[LkTappsHillbilly]

I love my life. I can read, review, and remember such political history as this. Thanks Mr Cesca

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

Satire - Google it.

[MelRoy]

He's also known as
the maverick
though
taking shots from his own party,
and certainly taking shots
from the other party.
Trying to get people
to understand
what he's been talking about.

This is a strong platform
around the planks in this platform
that respect life and respect the
entrepreneurial spirit of this great country
and those things
back to social issues
that are what, at least in the past,
had articulated and tried to stand on.

Now finally we have solid planks
In the platform
that will allow us to build
an even stronger foundation.
It's all good
You just go to the planks
in the platform
and that's where you'll see 'em.

- The Poetry of Sarah Palin

[MelRoy]

Bob, excuse the blog hogging but I kept this previous piece to amuse myself whenever I'm feeling low:

When you consider
what's going on
in this world,
the most promising
and good ingredients
in this world
is a child.
The hope
that a child brings
and just understanding that.
Being near
and dear
to my heart.

Nuclear weaponry
of course
would be the
be all
end all
of just
too many people
in too many parts
of our planet.

Let's commit ourselves
just every day
American people:
Joe Six Pack
hockey moms
across the nation.
I think we need
to band together
and say
Never Again.

[KarenGeorgetown]

I am a fan of MelRoy also too.

[tanglewood2008]

why? why? why? do people love trashing sarah palin.. she connects with the average us citizen...i am sure if and when she wins the presidency..she will never spend millions on an inaguration event..dont you find it pathetic that people cant even afford to feed and house there family and our president elect spends like a drunkin sailor..but dont worry he will make up for it with his trillion dollor ideas..and you
continue to trash sarah palin how looney liberal can one get..

[proudliberal4truth]

You must be kidding me. She would spend a minimum of $150,000 on hair and makeup alone. As for connecting to the average US citizen, so did GWB and look where he got us. People like you give the average US citizen a bad name tangle...when you think that an i d i o t like SP would make a good leader of the free world.

[DCinFrance]

Honestly, I think you should run for president. I mean, why, why, why not? Judging by your prose, lack of capitalization, lack of proper and appropriate punctuation, poor spelling, and an apparent inability to make rational and logical connections, you are easily Sarah Palin's equal. I mean, what qualifications does she have that you haven't exhibited? You never went to college? Well in truth, when one learns nothing in college, it's not a relevant point now, is it? Oh...you don't have her body? Okay, I'll concede that point, but you will agree with me that it shouldn't matter, right? So, why not you for president?

[babyruth]

Do you really want a candidate that connects with the average citizen??? I think that is just what we have and look at the mess we are in now!!!! We need very smart pragmatic people running our country!!! You are one of the scarey, small minded, people that voted in Bush. You think that she would not spend the money that Obama has on campaign?? She already spent $100,000 on hair and makeup!!!

[CUL8R]

I believe the average American knows how to use basic sentance structure -- unlike Govern Palin. I also believe the ability to communicate coherently should be a basic requirement for public office.

[proggirl]

Sarah Palin does not connect with the average US citizen. She demeans the average US citiizen by reducing him/her to a lowest common denominator. She dumbs down the average US citizen.
Why do Republicans cling to illiteracy and ignorance as badges of honor?
We're about to enter an administration that does not ridicule people for being intelligent and showing intelligence.
Thank God.
As for her not spending millions on an inauguration, three points.
First, every incoming president does that. That is not part or demographic specific. Bush's RE-inauguration cost over $50 million. source:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/20/inauguration.price.tag/index.html
Second, I think it's the height of hypocrisy to speculate on Palin's frugal future, given her spending history as a politician and as a candidate.
Third, I hope she is the '08 Republican nominee. It will ensure Obama's re-election!

[majorteddy]

Mark Halperin is a total hack.

[eqactor2]

Thanks Bob! I enjoyed your column. I didn't realize that Mark Halperin was such an idiot. I only read TIME for the person of the year. I liked this year's choice!

[DCinFrance]

Another funny column, Bob.

[bdaved]

I thought it was kind of ironic when anybody made Manchurian Candidate references regarding Barak Obama, since the book and movie were about a "brainwashed" former prisoner of war.

[bdaved]

I apologize for misspelling your name again, Mr. Obama.