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Thanksgiving is a time of family. A time of reflection. A time of giving. And a time of stuffing. It is a time when a man or woman, sometimes a slightly intoxicated man or woman, crams their butter-coated hand into a turkey's butt. If this act were to be done to a live turkey, the person performing that act would immediately become famous, if they weren't already. They would be in all the headlines, on several talk shows, and asked questions like: "What were you thinking -- What was going through your head?" If there were video of this act, that person could instantly win ten thousand dollars on America's Funniest Home Videos.
I don't mean to be crass. Technically, it's not actually the turkey's butt. It's more of his 'back hole' -- or if I may be more detailed since my father was knowledgeable in the world of poultry, the turkey's 'two back holes' -- one larger 'back hole' that's really just the under side of the rib cage, and one above the turkey's hangy dangly thing that our family would cook, serve, and eat, but never discuss what it was exactly. When I was younger, my dad would joke with me that I should put that thing under my pillow and that night, the turkey butt fairy would come. I loved my dad more than anything but his sense of humor frightened me.
For me, Thanksgiving is also a time of un-stuffing ourselves. As the year winds down, we prepare ourselves to empty out the year that has passed and fill ourselves back up with the year yet to come... We think about the people in our lives that we love, that we lost, that we have yet to meet... Please ignore this paragraph. I was just trying to get my Rabbi turned on if he read this thing.
When I drive past a house during the holidays, and I see the smoke billowing out of a fireplace, I know, that inside that house, on that kitchen table, there's a turkey carcass, open-winged, open-legged, its body ripped apart and eaten by the entire family. If that turkey could talk, its last words would probably be, "I'll see you all in hell!! And which one of you ate my hangy dangly thing that used to be my ass!!"
But thank God, turkeys can't talk. They can only gobble. And they are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day someone was going to cut off your head, and fill your butt cavity with stuffing. Although I know a few people that would welcome it. I can almost see them reading this right now, saying to themselves out loud, "You got that right!"
The holidays are about people. All people. Caring about the people in your life. Even though you may not see them anymore, talk to them anymore, have driven a wall between you and them that is irreparable... You know that one day... if you have enough money... they will come back to you. Unless they have what my dad used to call 'integrity.' If you had friends that are no longer your friends, perhaps it was the time to let them go. I've known people that only liked me for what money I had. I call those people, "Honey."
So as this time of thanks unfolds, be kind to each other. And be kind to the turkey. Think about the sacrifice he has made. If we give thanks, and bless this turkey for giving of himself, he won't curse us as we feast upon and eventually digest him. We all make sacrifices. That too is part of the holiday spirit. The giving, the receiving, the stuffing, and the excreting. Sometimes if it's your old Uncle Nate, it winds up being right there on the sofa. That's where slipcovers could come back in vogue. Perhaps only during the holiday weekend. I don't know why, but I picture Uncle Nate wearing an old beige suit with the pants buckled up way over his stomach, just below his breasts.
I do have a wish for you all. May all your holidays be filled with the blessings that life can bestow. And though, for all of us, in different ways, this has been a tough year, try to remember something my father taught me. Something I reflect upon that occasionally has helped me through a tough time... That at your moment of suffering, somewhere in the world, some unsuspecting turkey is about to have a fistful of gravy shoved deep into his ass.
So when you ask me, "Why do you love Thanksgiving, Bob? Is it the memories of the traditional Pilgrim garb of square buckles and square-toed shoes? Is it the festive holiday colors of brown and orange? Is it the cornucopias on the table with odd varnished vegetables we have never eaten...?" I can look you right in your eyes and tell you with complete certainty why it is that I love Thanksgiving...
It's the stuffing.
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I appreciate your views. I have always followed Garfield, on the joys of thanksgiving. It is a holiday, in which we celebrate, by giving thanks. We do this by eating as much as possible.
Dear Mr. Saget,
Big fan of yours, but I regret to inform you that your father was wrong, and as a result of you spreading his falsehoods, my children are very disappointed.
To wit, sir, there is no "Turkey Butt Fairy".
Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving nonetheless.
Anyone care to give thanks and pray for our troops? May they enjoy a decent meal this holiday, and may the Lord keep them safe.
45,000,000 turkeys are killed each year for Thanksgiving dinner. Enjoy yourself laughing at their expense.
will do.
Classy.
And this is supposed to be funny. . . why?
All praise to Bob Saget, and if you can ever get him to tell you the "Aristocrats" joke, you will laugh till your eyes bleed. That's a good thing.
When I was growing up, in our Catholic household, we used to call that turkey butt thing "the Pope's nose". I think it must have been in the time of John XXIII. Pretty appropriate, I guess...
"the Pope's nose".
pope pius XII
Oh, those were the days!
Yep, That was the typical question for T-Day at my house. "OK !! Who's gonna eat the Popes nose?"
Not a word from anybody !! LOL
Well written and insightful.
Ha ha..ha ha...ha ha...
NOT!
Funny stuff(ing), Bob. Thanks for the 5 minutes of laughter. Have a happy Thanksgiving.
David & Steve
Great article you never disappoint.
Bob, your last appearance on Entourage was brilliant. Your early years in stand up, sitcoms and AFV were pleasantly erased from my memory. I want to thank you for setting the record straight with this piece on Thanksgiving that you wrote. It is proof that the writers of Entourage are brilliant.
One has to ask, what was the purpose? What was the purpose?
Yours,
Issodhos
11/22/09
12:21am
Alexandria,VA
I have cooked a lot of Thanksgiving turkeys but I never cram anything up their butts. Gross. I like StoveTop.
StoveTop - EWWWW! Stuffing just doesn't taste right unless it is made from scratch and has spent several hours slow cooking inside a turkey's butt cavity...
This year I'm trying my hand at cornbread and sausage stuffing.
11/23/09
1:07am
Alexandria, VA
EWWWWW!!!!!
WAY too funny! Thanks, Bob. May all your stuffings be deep ones.
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