Get more sexual stamina. Give more pleasure to your partner. Get rocked by earth-shattering orgasms. Experience profoundly deepened connection through sex.
Got your attention?
Cool. I'm not just using these words to fake you out. If any of the above sound like things you'd like to experience there's great news, and it's why I'm writing this blog for you: It's all possible. What's more, men not so different from you have achieved these goals and more in relatively short periods of time.
Just like every seed has the potential to grow into a large tree, every man holds within his body the capacity to achieve these advanced states of giving and receiving pleasure. You're no different. Oftentimes it simply takes the right guidance provided by the right teacher.
In this article I'm going to share some of the foundational practices that have allowed me to go from a man rife with insecurity to, in my current girlfriend's exact words, "A supremely confident Sex Warrior."
My story isn't unique either. In a course I created (Advanced Sexual Stamina for Men), one man reported that after a single month of practice his most recent five or six sex sessions had been in the top 10 of his entire life. He's lasting longer, and showing up more confidently in AND out of the bedroom. And he's still got the rest of his life to see just how much more is possible...
I'm going to share how you can create this kind of confidence and power in your own body and relationships.
You don't need to be in partnership to develop these practices. If you would like to become the kind of man that will attract and satisfy your dream partner, the work starts now. Choose to become that man first. Create the space for the sex life and relationship of your dreams and watch the universe shift around you to fill it up with something even better than you could have ever dreamed.
NOTE: This blog is written from a somewhat heterosexual standpoint. Please forgive me for the editorial bias and know that if you're a man who's interested in becoming a champion in AND out of the bed, I'm speaking to you. These practices hold the power to change your (sex) life regardless of sexual orientation.
I hit a personal sex record last week.
I made love to my girlfriend, Natalie, four times in one day. They weren't quickies either. Our total love making time clocked in at somewhere close to three hours. Our sex sessions flowed intuitively from primal full body undulations in one moment to tender caresses and loving whispers in the next.
Nor was it just MY record. That afternoon as Natalie and I walked through our neighborhood Pasadena streets I asked her what was the most times she'd had sex in a single day. We'd done it twice already, once in the morning and once more in a heat of the moment love making session following our daily strength routine early that afternoon. I watched her eyes flicker left and then right as she scanned back through past lovers. "Maybe three..." she said after a few moments. I looked her in the eye and told her that I intended to leave her with no doubt as to how many times was the most and with whom it had occurred.
At the end of the day we lay in bed, breathing in rhythm with each other, and practicing our daily ritual of appreciations for each other and our lives. I felt deeply satisfied and connected to her in a way I've never experienced with another human being. She told me that she felt the same way.
My life hasn't always been this full of love, sex, and connection. From the age I began to experience sexual urges through my college days and beyond, I was extremely shut down both physically and emotionally. I didn't have sex for the first time until I was 25 years old. It's not that I didn't have the opportunity, it's just that I was largely oblivious to the women who sometimes practically threw themselves at me (textbook "nice guy" behavioral pattern). The moments where I was in front of a woman who wanted me to make love with her I wasn't able to get an erection. My heart was closed down to deep connection, and my body followed suit.
But slowly things shifted.
Until I discovered the practices I'm about to share with you today. It's kind of unbelievable, when I pause to think about it. Within a matter of months, I'm in a completely different sexual realm than I'd ever dreamed possible.
Let's dive in.
How to Have the Best Sex of Your (and Your Partner's) Life
1. Screw the Goal: As men we've been culturally trained to be sexual robots: Experience arousal, do the bare minimum needed so that we can stick it in, thrust for a few minutes (if we're lucky), ejaculate, and get on with our day (or fall asleep).
Not only is this staggeringly unsatisfying to women, it makes us inherently untrustable. I've heard it time and time again from evolved women: If a man can't be counted upon to hold the intensity of his sexual turn on long enough for her to get off (let alone experience cosmic, minutes long rolling orgasms) how can he be trusted in intense situations anywhere else in life?
Apply the question, "Where else does this show up in my life?" to the situation.
If you can't be trusted to deeply please your partner in bed, to create a safe space where she can relax fully into you without worrying when you're going to squirt and be done with it, then where else does this show up in your life, relationships, and business?
For most of my life I never even knew it was an option to have sex or masturbate without ejaculating. When, as men, we practice living in a place of energetic sexual intensity without giving in to the urge to experience a quick flash of gratification, we undo years of social conditioning and tap into a primal power that every one of us carries inside himself.
Blue balls is simply "stuck energy." There are techniques that can allow you to circulate that frustration and transform it into clarity, focus, presence, and lots of very quality getting it on.
It won't kill you to not come. I promise. Yes, it's a challenging practice, but the doors that open up for us men as well as our sexual partners when we not only welcome this energetic intensity, but physically relax into it, are profound indeed.
2. Commit To Connection:
We need to be brutally honest with ourselves. Are we making love in order to open up more deeply to our own body and cultivate connection with our partner? Or are we just checking out, doing little more than using our partner as a warm body to masturbate into?
For the most part though, it's not so black and white. Usually we enter relationship with little slivers and shadows of hurts. They're often so small. They disconnect us in tiny, seemingly inconsequential ways, but then continue to grow so consistently and quietly that we don't realize the stranglehold they've taken over our sexing, relationships, and lives until we find ourselves at the threshold of breakdown... again.
Learning to open up to deep intimacy requires that we feel the wounds we've acquired from past moments where we wanted love but received someone else's pain instead (e.g., anger, carelessness, abandonment...). Our pain has to be felt in order to be released. What many of us don't realize is that not only will feeling it NOT kill us, it will make us far stronger and more confident than we could possibly imagine.
It's a powerful practice for the brave and open hearted among us.
3. Own Your Desire:
This is an extremely charged topic: Men owning their desire to fuck (yes, fuck) passionately and savagely, yet with deep love. I asked Natalie speak to her experience of being with a man (me) who has and continues to work on owning his desire:
Contrary to popular belief women have a lot of imagination and a deep wanting when it comes to sex. Recently, from multiple teachers who have years of experience in the sexual education arena, I have heard it echoed: Women outweigh men time and time again in their appetite for sex.
The older I get the more I realize that this is true for myself. The more comfortable I am with myself and my body, the more I own the fact that I have a voracious appetite! I want to devour my partner, but more than that I want to BE devoured.
This has been a huge point of contention and pain with past partners. There were the men who could not "keep up" because their own sexual drive and appetite was lower, OR the men who had similar appetites but no creativity or ability to be present and play. Our sex lives in both cases were routine, predictable and boring (read: extremely disconnected). There was no flexibility, no room to truly explore and grow, to learn from and with each other sexually and to dive deep into all of the amazing shit that is available when you can let go and fuck each other like you mean it!
I want my man to not just "handle" me and my desire but get turned on by it himself and have it unlock his own potential. I have wanted my man to not just be able to keep up with me but to take the lead. I want to experience the range from being ravaged to adored. I want to be celebrated for my desire. I want to know anything is possible sexually -- no limitations -- we create mind blowing, body expanding experiences together.
Are you ready to show up that fully in the bedroom?
Unleash Your Inner Sex Warrior
These three tenets of sexual stamina are simple, yet each is also incredibly rich and vast. Men spend their lifetimes working to master these practices without ever reaching "the end."
And that's a great analogy for sexing. Because so many men have been quietly and subconsciously conditioned to be always searching for "the end." Ejaculation. Release. The energy and excitement, the passion you felt for your partner a moment ago, gone. -- poof --
However, when we release our craving to reach "the end" we open up to a world that's indescribable to those who haven't experienced it.
Here's an analogy: If you tried to explain what it was like to have sex to someone who's never had it there'd be no way for them to really know unless they went out and actually did it.
This is exactly my hope with this article: Natalie and I have tried our best to describe the states of pleasure and connection that are possible through these foundations of sexual stamina, yet these words are nothing more than crumbs when a feast is waiting just in the next room.
Notice that if you're settling for crumbs, then that's what you're feeding your partner every time you show up in the bedroom! (And again, where else does that show up in your life?)
These are much more than acquired skills. They're new ways of being, and they're available to the man who is fully ready to step up in every area of his life. They require commitment and dedication to the practice... and it IS a practice. We do it once, then one more time, then one more time... and one hour/month/year later we look back and notice that suddenly we're having the best sex of our lives AND deeply fulfilling our partner at the same time.
One of the best ways to fully commit is by entering into a supportive, rock solid group environment where similar-minded men will accompany and support you on your journey to becoming the best lover, partner, and man you can be. It's why I decided to create the exact course I wanted to take (Advanced Sexual Stamina for Men) and asked a Master of sexual yoga, Christopher Sunyata, to lead it.
There are tons of other resources too. One of the very first I'd send you to is The Enlightened Sex Manual by David Deida.
Let me know any questions you have in the comments below and I'll make sure to give you my best answer or point you in the most helpful direction I'm able. As with all the work I do with men and women, my commitment is to you and your path. It's to you and your sense of aliveness, passion in your relationships, and purpose in your life.
All it takes is a choice: Once you have decided to stop settling for sexual crumbs and own your inner Sexual Warrior the feast will be yours AND your partner's to enjoy.
Your partner (or future partner!) is ready for you to stop settling.
The only question is: Are you ready?
Bob Schwenkler is the creator of Advanced Sexual Stamina for Men. If you know you're capable of a more powerful sex life than what you're experiencing now please go to www.advancedsexualstamina.com.
HuffPost Lifestyle is a daily newsletter that will make you happier and healthier — one email at a time. Learn more