In the hierarchy of American cuisine, you have Thomas Keller all the way at the top and fast food on the bottom. There's a sub-category, though, just underneath traditional fast food. It's so vile that it barely registers on the scale at all. Where is this demonic gustatory hell? It's the food court at your local mall.
Crass, nutritionally bankrupt, and offensive to pretty much all discerning eaters, it's perhaps the worst place you could possibly get hungry -- rivaled only by airports and amusement parks. Food courts exist for culinary masochists, those people who seem to relish punishing their bodies with as much salt, fat, and sugar as possible. With those people in mind, we've put together a collection of the worst of the worst mall foods, from orange chicken to virtually everything at Cinnabon. Enjoy!
by Jason Kessler, Bon Appétit
Related: 10 Snacks You Thought Were Healthy but Really Aren't
See also: 10 Healthy Alternatives to French Fries
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Orange Chicken
It's almost inaccurate to call this chicken, because it's really just a delivery system for sauce. Tiny chunks of poultry (we think?) are heavily breaded and tossed in a thick, gelatinous "orange sauce" to form spicy, sweet morsels that would make Escoffier cry into his canard a l'orange. For orange chicken lovers, it's a miracle: The sauce is so thick that it coats the inside of their mouths and they get to taste that flavor for the rest of the day. Gross.
<em>Photo by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffreyww/4899229294/sizes/l/in/photostream/" target="_hplink">jeffreyw</a>.</em>
Bourbon Chicken
Another crime against fowl. How Cajun food became a mall staple is beyond comprehension, but it's even more curious because the Cajun food is often just dressed-up Chinese food with a different name. The best rule of thumb here is to avoid any chicken handed to you on a toothpick, whether or not there's mention of bourbon.
<em>Photo by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mesohungry/4859118138/sizes/z/in/photostream/" target="_hplink">jasonlam</a>.</em>
Cheesesteaks
Take everything you love about steak, throw it out the window and there's your cheesesteak. Instead of the juicy succulence you get from biting into a well-cooked porterhouse, you get thin slices of overcooked beef (from parts unnamed) smashed up with some gooey, flavorless cheese and strewn on a bun that was made two weeks ago. If you're looking for indigestion, congratulations. You've found it.
<em>Photo by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mroach/158149924/sizes/o/in/photostream/" target="_hplink">mroach</a>.</em>
Corndogs A.K.A. "Hot Dogs on a Stick"
Are hot dogs not portable enough for you? Do you hate having to eat a frankfurter horizontally? Then the corndog is perfect for you. Also, you have major issues. Seriously, who needs corn dogs? As if the tube of mushmeat on a regular dog wasn't bad enough for you, the corndog amps up the calorie count by wrapping the whole thing in deep-fried cornbread. Have you no shame, Sir?
<em>Photo by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/andreanna/2815597393/sizes/l/in/photostream/" target="_hplink">Andreanna Moya Photography</a>.</em>
Sbarro
Sbarro's insipid slices of floppy pizza inspire fear in the hearts of Italians everywhere. Apparently, this company takes pride in the quantity over quality approach. With over a thousand locations around the world, there's a good chance you have access to fake pizza wherever you go. (STAY AWAY.) To make matters worse, some Sbarro locations offer a full buffet for those who like to carbo-load as if they're preparing for a triathlon. Nothing says Mama's cooking like 2,400 calories worth of ziti.
<em>Photo by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/thepizzareview/3556741059/sizes/l/in/photostream/" target="_hplink">The Pizza Review</a>.</em>
Sushi
The biggest problem with mall sushi? You're eating sushi in a mall. Why would you do that to yourself? Sushi is meant to be as absolutely fresh as possible. There's just no way your food court sushi bar is going shopping at the fish market every morning (especially not in Omaha), so save your raw fish cravings for a time that's a little more appropriate -- the next time you're in Okinawa, perhaps.
<em>
Photo by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/clf/4992774531/sizes/l/in/photostream/" target="_hplink">CLF</a>.</em>
Pepperoni Pretzel
America never really went through a pretzel craze. But that didn't stop Auntie Anne's from starting a mall pretzel monopoly. Out of all the flavors the company offers, there's perhaps none grosser than the Pepperoni Pretzel. It's made for people who think Sbarro is too good for them. Also, it looks like your pretzel got the measles.
Photo by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/perfectoinsecto/6907913216/sizes/l/in/photostream/" target="_hplink">Perfecto Insecto</a>.
Cinnabon
Louis CK has an amazing bit about Cinnabons where he describes them as "a six-foot high cinnamon swirl cake made for one sad fat man." That's pretty accurate. Nobody needs a cinnamon bun of that magnitude, especially not when shopping. The only people who should be eating these things are refugees from war-torn countries who have only consumed soup for the past three months. They need to get their strength back and a hearty Cinnabon can do that in minutes -- less if you add in that cup of "frosting."
<em>Photo by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/fujikinoko/2911840038/" target="_hplink">fujikinoko</a>.</em>
Dippin' Dots
Yet another solution to a non-existent problem. Ice cream is fine as it is. There's no need to put it through Willy Wonka's Wonkavision to shrink it down. If the innovation made ice cream better, it would have some merit, but have you tried Dippin' Dots? They're not better than real ice cream at all! And in the end, it's pretty hard to accept a product that has been engineered to be as fake-tasting as possible.
<em>Photo by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/acme/2571866655/sizes/l/in/photostream/" target="_hplink">acme</a>.</em>
Cookie Cakes
There is no way to improve upon a <a href="http://www.bonappetit.com/recipes/2012/03/chocolate-chip-cookies?mbid=synd_huffpo" target="_hplink">chocolate chip cookie</a>. It's perfect just the way it is. Making it bigger and adding frosting just makes it look ridiculous. Cookie cakes are the equivalent of a naturally gorgeous woman getting her make-up done by a drag queen. In the end, you pay attention to the make-up and ignore the simple beauty of what lies underneath. Just keep it natural and everyone goes home happy.
Photo by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/redgoober4life/1118459020/sizes/z/in/photostream/" target="_hplink">quasireversible</a>.
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Now that I have the sausage-making attachment for my Kitchenaid, I'm going to make my own hotdogs and make corndogs. I've already made bangers and lamb sausage, and they're awesome - especially since I know what's in them!
I'm definitely excited to start doing my own stuffs that lamb sausage sounds like it would be awesome.
1) Excellence in the roll thanks to a likely feeling of pride
2) Fresh seafood as they're an island in the ocean
Thanks for the inspiration Huffpo!