Women's Declining Happiness — That's A Crock!

I don't care that Marcus Buckingham asserted in his recent post "What's Happening to Women's Happiness" that women today are in the middle of a misery epidemic. He's dead wrong — women today are NOT unhappier than they were 40, 50 or 60 years ago.

I've talked to many, many women of my mother's generation. Women who spent their young adult years in the 1950s and 60s. They were the generation raised under traditional restraints and constraints. Few went to college, almost all married young, placing their husband's needs and ambitions above their own. And they couldn't wait to raise their own daughters to be feminists and throw off the shackles of their mothers' existence.

No, they were not a happy crowd back then. My mother told me that the secret no one wanted to talk about in the supposedly idyllic world of 60's suburban housewives--they were bored out of their frigging minds.

On our own little quiet crescent of a street in the suburbia where I grew up, bored silly housewives turned to alcohol and affairs, that's how happy they were.

These women yearned to have a broader, more varied world, they yearned to do more than raise children, maintain perfect households, and wait for their husbands to come home.

Now, I agree that us women today are not living in the happiest of times either. We're financially insecure, stressed out and tired, as we juggle jobs and families. We're beset by responsibilities and decision making. But in the scheme of life, that's not really a bad thing.

Women today at least are very actively participating in the decisions that will affect their lives versus being treated like the chattel that they were mere generations ago. I can assure you that in the areas of the world--parts of India, Africa and the Middle East--where women are still treated like chattel, they are miserable.

What Buckingham seems to be missing is that people--men and women--are always happier when they feel in control of their own lives. There is no way that when women were considered second class citizens--a mere 40 or more years ago--that they could have been blissful. Women were infantilized--their fathers and husbands made the decisions that women today take for granted--whether they could go to college, buy a dress, drive a car, have a career, go out with "the girls."

My grandfather didn't believe a woman should go to college--so my mother didn't--and she never got over it nor forgave him. During her marriage, she couldn't even get a new dress for herself or her daughters unless my father approved. But he didn't require her permission to buy a suit.

What women have learned in recent generations is that as our sex has become "adult," we have had to take on the responsibilities that come with adulthood. For some women, that may lead to a certain nostalgia for a past where life for women was simpler — a whole lot simpler — yes, because they were treated like they were simple-minded.

Women only have to turn on the TV show, Mad Men, to be reminded of how very different and un-female-friendly a world it was, just 45 or 50 years ago.

Sexual double standards prevailed, there was little effective birth control and women literally bore the price when it failed. Women were secretaries not bosses, and even if they climbed the executive ranks, their earnings were far below their male co-workers

Buckingham can't tell me that women were, nevertheless, still happier under these circumstances than they are today.

As for the idea that there are more pressures on women today to be more physically beautiful than ever before — that's ridiculous. In the 50s and 60s the ideal of female beauty was far more prescribed and rigid than today. Blonde, perky or sexy, Debbie Reynolds or Marilyn Monroe types were It. And God forbid, when a woman hit 40 — she was tossed on the scrapheap.

Today, our eyes appreciate the beauty of a Michelle Obama or Kim Kardashian as much as a Charlize Theron or Scarlet Johansson. And as for aging — that's a whole lot more under our control, too, now that Botox, laser resurfacing and fillers are becoming as common at the dermatologist's office as treatments for acne. And hey, why shouldn't we view aging like acne — as a treatable skin condition.

So Marcus Buckingham, whether it's our sexual, work, love or beauty lives, women have far more control over these than they did 40 or more years ago. And that means that women are happier, whether they consciously realize it or not!

For more on whether women are happy or not, follow Bonnie Fuller on Twitter: twitter.com/bonniefuller

 

Follow Bonnie Fuller on Twitter: www.twitter.com/bonniefuller

Comments

[JuniperSunshine]

10:51 PM on 09/23/2009

I wonder what former First Lady and homeschool­ing mom Abigail Adams would say if you explained to her that she wasn't a real "adult". Any thoughts?

[OtayPanky]

05:57 PM on 09/22/2009

The last line of this blog is very funny: "...women are happier, whether they consciousl­y realize it or not!"

[tc2598]

02:48 AM on 09/23/2009

Really - no reason to actually dispute the study with statistics­, or to examine the study's sample, or to otherwise use a rational approach. Just say "I don't like this study!" and click your heels together!

Yaaayy!!

[Philosim]

05:30 AM on 09/24/2009

That's because the study was already disputed quite effectivel­y 2 years ago. Where ya been?

http://itr­e.cis.upen­n.edu/~myl/langu­agelog/arc­hives/0049­65.html

http://lan­guagelog.l­dc.upenn.e­du/nll/?p=­1753

http://hap­pilybitter­.wordpress­.com/2009/­09/18/help­-on-the-wa­y-for-unha­ppy-women/

[KarenDee]

05:53 PM on 09/22/2009

Isn't it just that today women are trained to talk about their needs and go after them, therefore, being conscious of where voids may exist and unhappines­s may seep into their lives? 50 years ago women didn't have years of therapy at their disposal to analyze and understand these things deeply. This is a matter of awareness and acknowledg­ement--not a matter of women being less happy today. Ignorance is bliss, after all.

[tc2598]

03:27 PM on 09/22/2009

Of course Bonnie is happy. She says she is. She knows other happy women, too. No surprise - so do I.

But the article she is talking about was a study of how women responded to the question of "are you happy?" The study found that more women were now saying that they weren't happy.

So I think it's weird to say "The study is wrong because I and my friends are happy!"

Because, that's not inconsiste­nt with the study. Lots of women responded to the study and said they were happy. The article was about the surprising trend the study revealed - that more women were saying they were not happy.

So everyone here can be happy as can be - and I really hope you are. But that doesn't mean everyone is, and there doesn't seem to me to be any reason to take offense to the study in the first place.

[Maerwynn]

03:14 PM on 09/22/2009

Before 1900, not all states granted married woman legal property rights. The husband could sell or dispose of her property without her permission­.

American women were not granted the right to vote until 1920.

The Equal Pay Act was not passed until 1963.

Gender exclusion from educationa­l programs was not banned until 1972.

Consumer credit sex discrimina­tion was not prohibited until 1974.

Not a lot of valuing of women going on in America's relatively recent history.

Reach Advisors' 2003 survey of 3,020 parents (supplemen­ted by their analyses of government data) found that:

1) Less than 1/2 of Boomer mothers spent 12+ hours/day on domesticit­y
2) 25% of Gen-X mothers spent 12+ hours/day on domesticit­y
3) 75% of Gen-X mothers spent less than 12/day hours on domesticit­y
4) 33% of Boomer mothers are home full time
5) 51% of Gen-X mothers are home full time
6) 49% of Gen-X mothers are not home full time

7) 1/2 of Gen-X fathers devoted 3 to 6 hours a day on domesticit­y
8) 39% of Boomer dads devoted 3 to 6 hours a day on domesticit­y

Do you have a source for the statement that "today men who expect their wives to work are as likely to be controllin­g or abusive"?

No one thing is the KEY to happiness for all but women now have more options.

[tc2598]

03:09 PM on 09/22/2009

Hmm. The article you are talking about was citing detailed studies undertaken over decades. But you use no studies at all to refute them, just your own anecdotal take. That's very telling.

[David M]

12:04 PM on 09/22/2009

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[SandyB456]

10:43 AM on 09/22/2009

A quote from a previous article by Bonnie Fuller. "Under no circumstan­ces, face the facts." This is her mantra to live by. Well the fact is that women never really achieved equality. You were named Advertisin­g Age's Editor of the Year. Did you know when I worked at a famous advertisin­g agency a few years ago, not one single person there had ever hired a woman to direct a commercial­? Women were relegated to the role of producer, "the mommy job", to facilitate the creative vision of the male creatives. In film, they feel so comfortabl­e blatantly discrimina­ting against women directors and writers, the numbers are actually going down instead of up. This is still a very sexist society.

The fact that Huffington Post has a man doing this study/arti­cle says a lot about how womens' experience is filtered out to the world. He dismisses the claim that the "second shift" is what is stressing women out, when post after post from women claim they are stuck doing almost everything at home.

As for beauty, most women in this country are trying to keep a roof over their heads. They don't have money to spend on plastic surgery, expensive cosmetics trying to look 25.

[ColumbiaPatricia]

12:19 PM on 09/22/2009

I have to agree with the comment that to totally eliminate the "second shift" as a reason women are unhappy is absurd. Buckington should try it sometime: For a good six months, drop off 2 kinds, go to work, pick up the kids, make dinner, feed the kids, do laundry, clean the house, and pay attention to the spouse. Repeat for six months.

I guarantee a different outlook.

Also the happiness of women all over the world compared just to the USA is also skewed. I know that women in Pakistan, Afghanstan­, Iraq, China, Korea, and Iran face far more sexism that the US (not that we are treated or paid fairly in the US)

[suigeneris]

12:20 PM on 10/02/2009

Hahahahaha­. Well said.

>> quote from a previous article by Bonnie Fuller. "Under no circumstan­ces, face the facts." This is her mantra to live by.

[robert234]

10:26 AM on 09/22/2009

I continue to be amazed when Media writes the TRUTH. As a 74yr. old male I instantly knew that Buckingham was full of you know what. Thank you Ms. Fuller from me and my wife of 51yrs. who on her own graduated from college, chose her(and our childrens'­) clothes. All by male friends and me agree that Mr. Buckingham was raised by the wrong woman.

[MerhabaAbi]

10:00 AM on 09/22/2009

I read Marcus' article last week and I think that the statistics lie. Women are more honest now about admitting negative emotions. Economic and sexual freedom have given women the freedom to speak their mind without the fear that they may anger their supplier, boss, husband/go­d. I couldn't imagine being married to a woman who would allow herself to be dominated. By the way, I've always loved Kate Hepburn and the roles she played as a strong independen­t woman.

[isadora]

07:53 AM on 09/22/2009

Has anyone read "The Way We Never Were"? Book is about the surface images and myths about family life in the "Golden Fifties." The book reveals, with evidence, what life was really like. The strain of living up to the fantasy image was really hard on women. And if anything sexual happened women were exclusivel­y blamed. I can tell you, it hurt and was damaging. Let no one doubt that things are much better now for women. Jane Fonda's teenage pregnancy prevention group (read about it on her website) has a slogan: Hope is the best contracept­ive. Indeed.

[thehuff]

05:58 AM on 09/22/2009

Marcus Buckingham is peddling a new book and therefore trying to build publicity with his outspoken/­controvers­ial angle about Women and Happiness. Just ignore it and with any luck it will go away.

[zola77]

05:42 AM on 09/22/2009

Great post. i was sceptical of Marcus' previous post. this very much echoes my thoughts on the matter.

[PhilipB]

03:32 AM on 09/22/2009

"people--m­en and women--are always happier when they feel in control of their own lives."
Thank you!'
Thank you for speaking to truth, as that as men and women grow older in a marriage , a real relationsh­ip happens, where you are really one. I know it for myself and I have seen older people after the death of their spouse say it was like losing their right arm or half of themselves­. Now, that is something to consider afeter all the concern about sex and the rest: It is this real connection and, well a marriage that my partner and I share with a grown daughter and two fine grandsons. We are the to Lolos, Pilipino for grandfathe­rs, and yes we are gay. Stick that in your prejudice hat and smoke it.
I mean , really!
Enough of the hate . Haven't you had enough of the hate that divides us. We are good people. and I am standing up, right here and now for my family.
We deserve civil rights, I pay taxes, and all the rest. If you think I will be quiet about this, you have another thing coming. I will NEVER agree that i am not an an American, and I will stand up for my families rights!

[newleaf]

12:43 AM on 09/22/2009

I wasn't alive in the 50s, so I can't speak to that, but my experience has been that life these days is much less rigid, more open to individual­ity, and offer more opportunit­y for women. I'm a mom, and I work part-time. I enjoy working, but I would also enjoy staying home if money weren't an issue. In the end, my kids will be gone in a few more years, and I'm glad I've got a college education and a good career. I'd rather be a grown woman these days than three or four decades ago.