It's only hair. That's what I told myself when I saw the picture of my 12 year old with dyed red hair. Not highlights or strips, but an all over wash. My ex let her dye her hair. A week before my remarriage.
It's not the hair that bothers me. She is a beautiful girl, fashionable, and will go through many, many styles before finding the one that is uniquely hers. And as a good friend reminded me, I had my own brush with pink hair coloring in high school (pun intended).
And I repeat, it's not the hair; it's the bigger picture, the stereotype of it. If mom doesn't give you want you want, it is okay to go behind her back and get dad to do it -- if it's just hair color at 12, what's it going to be at 16?
At first, I thought too that my ex knew my wishes about this issue; he himself is staunchly against the cosmetics industry, constantly warning about parabens and cancer and the chemicals in nail polish. I never thought that he would let her color her hair on these principles alone, but I guess her powers of persuasion won out.
Divorce means you aren't married any more. But it doesn't mean you aren't parents anymore. You both still carry the charge to protect and raise up this life you created to the best of your ability. How do you negotiate this role while struggling to control the impulses of a teenager, whose very existence hinges on immediate gratification? In a recent article, Rachel Sussman offers this: "Focus on being an excellent parent and co-parent. Children do best in environments where there is stability. Accept your fate, make peace with your ex, and learn how to co-parent effectively together." This isn't helpful when you feel like Melani Robinson did. What does co-parent really mean? How can that really be done when the parents can barely speak to each other?
A search on the term "co-parent," yields "3 Tips for Being a Better Co-parent in 2012" by Tara Fass. I decided to apply these tips and see how they could help me be better prepared for this challenge and those that lay ahead.
Step one admonishes lightening up on our judgment of our ex-spouses. In this regard, I can see her point. When I first saw the picture, I seethed, thinking he did this on purpose. After reading this step, I decided not to assume anything and sent an email to my ex asking if he knew I had expressly forbidden hair coloring until she was 16. He quickly replied that he didn't know that, and she didn't mention it. This opened the door for us to have a dialog with our daughter together -- a rare co-parenting moment.
Step two was a little tougher for me in this case: "Lower and then manage your expectations." Prior to the incident, I never expected that my ex would so wantonly go behind my back and neglect his own strong feelings about the cosmetic industry to give into our child. I would have put up hard earned cash that he wouldn't do that. So maybe Fass has a point; maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe the stereotype of divorced parents being played against each other is rooted in some fact. I should be better prepared for these moments, embrace co-parenting, and speak to my ex in advance when I sense some brooding issue with our child.
The third step sounds like great advice going forward, reminding us to: "Do the right thing as if no one was looking." This is overall great advice for living, and I hope I can continue to try this approach, even when retaliation seems like a better idea.
So, I am trying to soak in these three steps, but sometimes I am left feeling like blogger Miriam Novogrodsky, who got it right when she asked: "Why would a couple who divorced due to irreconcilable differences be able to co-parent well?" While you can apply the three steps Fass offered, there is no guarantee your ex is on the same page. You can think highly of them, lower your expectations, and do the right thing, but it doesn't mean for a red hot second that your ex will do the same.
I wanted the advice Fass offered to really hold out for me until my daughter came home from her next visit with her dad. I asked her how her night went. "Well," she said, "Dad says he likes my hair, but he guesses it was bad timing." Bad timing? Really?
In this way, I have only one option despite all the well-meaning advice -- hope karma works.
Follow Brandi Megan Granett on Twitter: www.twitter.com/brandigranett
What you need to ask yourself is: Do I love my kids enough to cooperate with my "ex" in order to do what's best for them? If you're too selfish to be able to answer, "Yes," to this question, then maybe you should face your shortcomings and opt out of co-parenting by turning sole responsibility for rearing your children over to your spouse.
Like I said before, everything happens behind your back, because you turned it, and walked away.
It sounds like it was a nice father/daughter bonding day, even though he isn't a fan of cosmetics, he would rather have that be a decision his daughter makes,than one that is inflicted on her. To make hair coloring an issue will probably lead your daughter to see it as a good point to 'rebel' one day, in those coming years you're afraid of ("if it's just hair color at 12, what's it going to be at 16?") What happens at the age of 16 anyway that makes hair coloring OK? Sounds like just a random point set in place by a control freak.
And what about you Brandi? Do you use any makeup? I'll give you lip gloss, if it's Bert's Bees, vegan, or not animal tested. Lip gloss serves a purpose. But if you use one drop of lipstick, base, foundation (I'm a guy, I don't know what any of this junk is!) then your whole argument flies out the window. His 'strong feelings' never meant that much to you anyway.
If you're divorced, everything happens several miles away. You could call it 'behind your back', but isn't that because you turned your back, and walked away?
What was the big deal about getting remarried, and your daughter having red hair? Did you really have some elaborate ceremony with expensive photographers, and this was going to ruin your storybook ceremony? Did you ever think, if the hair color was an attempt at making a statement of disapproval, it might be a statement from your daughter, not your ex?
Your rant about his inability to stay true to his beliefs in not using makeup or nail polish sound a bit trumped up too. There are a lot of things people believe, or wish, that just aren't practical in real life. A lot of us hate our dependance on fossil fuel, but own cars and heat our homes with it.
I hate the use of makeup with my daughters, but realize I'm the lone voice in this, and just do an eyeroll. There's more important things in life, aren't there?
A parent who (for issues of selfishness) probably wasn't that great of a parent to begin with engages in the fantasy thinking that she will be able to be an effective parent when she is a single parent (with less time/resources) and has children (emotionally damaged, stressed/confused by the divorce) who have to navigate themselves through a divorce and through their lives.
Add in her dad-bashing and her efforts to undermine the credibility and effectiveness of the children's other parent and what do you get? Children who are given more challenges than they should have.
Life is an IQ test. Many do not score well.
Pithy statements do not advance the cause of children in difficult environments. Compassion and willingness to look at these issues with an open mind and to learn does.
Social science studies are not "double-blind placebo controlled studies". I think that sometimes people give more credence to the conclusions of those studies than is appropriate.
I didn't see where Brandi's ex was portrayed as "selfish with a personality disorder"?
Yet, the world does seem to revolve around Brandi, no?
Her daughter's hair must please her.
Changes cannot be made until the critical age of 16. (is that the clearly drawn line? What purpose is it serving?)
Brandie's wedding is the highlight of the social calendar, and obviously all the guests (who themselves have piercings and tattoos possibly), are going to see hair coloring as a personal affront to Brandi.
"Pithy statements do not advance the cause of children in difficult environments. "
No, but actively giving the child more room, perhaps letting her color her hair, might help to make up for all that's been taken away from her?
Lastly, I still wonder, does Brandi herself use ANY makeup whatsoever (beyond lip gloss)? If so, than I consider it a show of good character that the ex husband, despite his personal objections, was not a control freak who demanded his wife abandon all makeup or hair color, etc.
Some of these posts trouble me -- not because I want to doubt the story being told in the post -- but because of the tendency to believe that any one situation provides some sort of signal insight into universal truths about relationships or child-rearing. I suggest that most of the posts (and comments) here are filtered significantly through personal prisms, mine included of course.
In my opinion, if parental consensus cannot be reached -- then hopefully each (but at least one) parent has to stake out what really is important in child-rearing. Fight for the stripped-down "essentials package". With the rest, state your positions and make your reasoned arguments (to your children once they reach their teens and start the process of separating from both you and your former spouse) -- and understand that some child rearing principles that you believe important and beneficial will not be implemented -- whether because of sabotage by an ex-spouse or manipulation of divorce authority relationships.
Let go what you can't affect -- but don't stop stubbornly asserting (not insisting upon) behaviors and values you believe important for your child.
few months ago, I heard about an online platform for co-parenting, to manage parenting schedule, keep track of shared expenses etc..
Does anyone of you know what I'm talking about ? I can't remember the name, looked pretty useful.
thanks for reply if someone knows this website
Amazing website to organize things with your ex about your children etc...!
We do it for our kids. We bite back the bile and the suspicion that it was on purpose and move on. I applaud that you were able to regain your control and roll with it.
Some children of divorce have (objectively speaking) bad moms -- moms who are bitter/anger and nasty to their children and selfish/complaining and blaming the other parent/child (and everyone except themselves) much of the time. Children with bad parents sometimes express emotions and views that reveal the troubled relationship that they have with their bad parents.
Be a good parent. Just be a good parent. Period.
Then many of these "problems" go away.
If this is the worst you end uphttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/brandi-megan-mantha/we-got-played-why-coparen_b_1296446.html?ref=divorce# facing consider yourself lucky
Maybe the child actually has her own views and personality.
Maybe the color of the hair of your child at your wedding is the least of your worries. At least if you are a good parent.
On one hand you concede that he did not have any knowledge that hair dying was strictly against your wishes, but then you seem to imply that co-parenting with him is impossible and maybe he did it intentionally because it was one week before YOUR wedding (why else bring this up?)
I know how frustrating it is to try to discipline kids when you're divorced, but my advice is to pick your battles more carefully. In the grand scheme of things, hair color is a rather silly thing to get upset about.
This is really a control issue, and Im well aware how difficult it is to give up control of your child. But that is exactly what happens in a divorce, like it or not. As long as he is keeping the kid healthy and providing for her basic emotional, financial, educational, and medical needs, you just have to learn to let go of the urge to control how he parents your daughter.
http://donnaferber.com/2012/03/parallel-parenting-when-you-and-your-ex-cant-play-nice/
I've noticed that many divorced mothers seem to think the children are "THEIR" property, especially after they've been awarded custody. And anything the father does in his role as parent which does not echo the mother's rules of parenting, is cause for alarm, disgust, and argument.
Fathers and mothers tend to parent somewhat differently. Women may well be more nurturing and protective, fathers more adventuresome, playful, and challenging. It is the SUM of those two types of parenting that seem to give the children a good balance in life and the best chance at success.
It would be nice if parents could keep that in mind.
Co-parenting, like any relationship, requires communication. About what the expectations, rules, and boundaries are at minimum. Just a few emails back and forth might have completely avoided this dispute and others like it.