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Bree Maresca-Kramer Headshot

Want To Get Married? Don't Sleep With Him On the First Date!

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You read it correctly, do not have sex with him. Although this may sound like a throwback to our great-grandmother's generation, the wisdom in this simple philosophy is profound.

You see, male and female brains are very different. Men are "wired" to pursue and conquer in order to spread their seed to procreate the human race. Alternatively, a woman's brain is "wired" to choose one man to love and have a family with.

Of course, as with anything when we are talking about humans, there will always be exceptions. The character of Samantha in Sex in the City is an iconic example. This character, played by Kim Cattrall, had the quintessential male mindset of "how many men can I sleep with and why should I be with just one?" This worked for her because it wasn't her desire to settle down and be with just one man. However, if you want to find a great guy and eventually marry him, not having sex with him, at least until he declares his love and commitment to you, is vital.

You see, when a man pursues a woman and then "wins" her, he feels as if he has attained something very special and will cherish and honor her. On the other hand, when this primal behavioral pattern is short-circuited by having sex too early, he feels that she, and a relationship with her, are not that extraordinary of a prize.

The bottom line is that sleeping with a man on the first date or even the third date is always too soon. You see, all men, even the really nice ones, are initially interested in you for sex. Yes, sex. They are not interested in your intelligence, your wonderful career, or your great personality. They are biologically driven to have sex with you. They will do and say whatever they think will work to get you to have sex with them. If you allow this, (the key word being you) then this innate drive to increase the population is satisfied and he moves onto the next one.

The number of women who find themselves in this circumstance is astounding! What is even more unbelievable is the lack of awareness that having sex with him too soon interrupts the courting and relationship process. Intelligent, strong, confident women everywhere are missing the fact that in order for genuine care, love, and commitment to develop naturally, there must be time to get to know one another. In other words, there must be a sex-free courting.

Many women fear that if they do not sleep with him, he will move onto to someone else who will. They completely overlook the idea that when a woman honors herself and her body, so will a man. The old saying, "if he cares he will wait" is absolutely accurate. If he does not want to wait until something real is developed, he is making it clear that he is not interested in a real relationship that can lead to marriage but instead, in just having sex.

Over the last four decades, a lot of women have lost their way when it comes to honoring themselves and their body. The origin of this occurred during the "sexual revolution" in the sixties. Throughout this time marked by "free love," women were taught to burn their bras and have sex with anyone they pleased, with no strings attached. The "old-fashioned" way was thrown out the window in order to "free" women from the repression of a male dominated world. However, this did anything but liberate women! Instead, it took away the mindset of honoring a woman and her body by both men and women alike.

Allowing a genuine courting process, honoring yourself and your body is not a old fashioned throwback but actually a positive step forward to building a strong foundation for an incredible relationship and marriage.