Believe it or not, men are just as much a mystery to women as women are to men. I'm asked quite frequently by women, "What do men really want?" They react to celebrity splits like Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's with shock and dismay, stating, "She is so beautiful and successful. What more does he want?" Of course, what they're really asking is, "If she is that gorgeous and famous and still not good enough, how will I ever be?"
The great news is that quality, emotionally stable men do exist, and what they want is not reliant upon their partner being a beauty queen or a Fortune 500 CEO. Over the course of my work counseling men, I've figured out what the seven most common characteristics men look for and hope to find in a woman. Men want a woman who...
1. Is confident in her own skin
There is nothing more attractive and sexy to a man that a strong, confident and secure woman. This type of woman has done her inner work. She feels good about who she is and is comfortable in her own skin. She does not have to be gorgeous, rich and famous, but she does have to live her life from a place of meaning and purpose. That purpose can be anything as long as it means something to her. She is the type of woman that has not waited around for Prince Charming to rescue and build a life for her. Instead she created her own personal kingdom. As Mr. Right comes along, she finds a way to merge their worlds without giving up everything she has created. This means she does not drop her friends, family and life purpose simply to become a part of his world. She knows how to blend the two without losing herself.
2. Knows what she wants
When a woman is clear on what she wants, she does not waste time with situations or people that do not fit into that model. Men are attracted to this because they want to know up front if they are a contender. When a man encounters a wishy-washy woman who is not sure what she wants, it signals to him that she does not know who she is and because of that may end up not wanting him next week, next month or next year.
3. Clearly communicates
In general, men are not natural communicators. Therefore, they want a woman who speaks to them in a concise and straightforward manner when it comes to expressing her needs. They want to avoid navigating through a woman's feelings in order to interpret what she's saying. He likes it when she directly tells him what she wants and how he can best deliver it. His goal is to make her happy and when he has the information on how to accomplish that, he feels more confident that he can do it.
4. Respects and admires him
A man wants to be able to feel like he's the man and that the woman in his life thinks he is the greatest. He wants her to respect him for who he is, not what he does or how much money he makes. The bottom line is that men who are emotionally healthy are not looking to be with a woman who emasculates, bosses or controls them. These men are looking for a woman who will treat them well and with respect and admiration.
5. Does not need him but desires him
Throughout history, men have fought wars and built empires. However, they have done it on their own terms. When a man feels a woman needs him out of desperation, he questions her real interests. However, when a woman does not need a man but desires him, he knows she wants him for who he is rather than what he can do for her.
6. Is drama, manipulation, and pressure-free
Men do not want emotional drama queens who use their feminine wiles to manipulate them out of their time or money. Dealing with emotional outbursts, sneaky ways and pushiness does not go over well in the long run with a man. He wants a woman who is emotionally stable and authentic in both her words and actions. He is not looking for a spoiled little girl who is ill-equipped to handle the ups and downs of life; he is looking for a woman.
7. Likes and wants sex
Yes, it's true! Men want a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality, enjoys sex with him and is not afraid to let him know. A man looks for a woman who will positively respond to his desire for her instead of rejecting him. This is especially true when he is looking for a wife, as men do not want to sign up for a lifetime of bad or dispassionate sex.
Although men and women are different in how we think, communicate and express our emotions, one thing that's true for all of us is that we desire to love and be loved.
Understanding gender differences is vital, but so is knowing that when it comes to finding a partner, the core basics apply to everyone. We are all looking for a mate to be a loving and supportive friend, confidant and lover who will be with us through thick and thin as we walk through life.
Follow Bree Maresca-Kramer on Twitter: www.twitter.com/itsthatsimplews
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"Therefore, they want a woman who speaks to them in a concise and straightforward manner when it comes to expressing her needs." *Naturally*. ;-)
Mostly, they don't know, they don't care, and they don't care to know what real men seek from real women in real relationships.
Make no mistake - they've been taught that by four generations of UBER-feminism. That's not the legitimate feminism of wanting equal pay for equal work, and equal life options.
No, this is something entirely different and (frankly) totally toxic. It's narcissistic, self-involved and all too often misandry driven.
Just look today (for example) on the endless self-involvement in all the blogs on motherhood. One's more of a sob story than the next. It's endless whining, endless griping, endless self-pity, endless victimization. It's unreal!
It's not EVERY American woman. There are some good women out there still. But they are few and far between. It really is a needle in a haystack situation for men.
Maybe, as marriage rates continue to drop and as men continue to look to non-American women for partners, this lost generation of women will get the message. My guess is that this will take 20-50 years, if it happens at all.
Guys, it really is possible to love women, and to love a particular woman - despite what American women have become. There are plenty of good women out there. You just have to go find them.
Any article about the phony pay gap...hundreds of comments.
Any article blaming all men for rape...hundreds of comments.
Any article calling for men to respect women...hundreds of comments.
An article by a bright, thoughtful woman calling for women to respect men...crickets.
It's hard to respect men when you are misandrist to the core, of course.
So revealing...
Thanks, Bree. This is a great list. Any woman who actually likes, respects and WANTS a man would do well to read it.
Clear proof that these feminists don't want a resolution to ANYTHING. Their goal is to continue using the straw-man tactics you mention above in order to continue to drive a wedge between the genders.
The thought of resolution only angers these feminists more. They'd rather go around telling other women that their cattle, incubators and life-stock for men. With this mindset is it a wonder why the divorce rate is so high?
Why?
For advocating that men and their need's and want's be respected.
Who'd have thunk it?
Sadly, I think most of those who read this site will carry on instead vilifying men for being men and blaming them for 1,000's of years of evil and oppression, ignoring their needs, etc. etc.
Oh, and calling you a misogynist if you say one word against it.
You defined confidence perfectly. Some women mistake obnoxious insecure behavior for confidence, and after a man leaves they complain that he couldn't handle a "strong" woman.
The women in number 2 are the one's divorcing their husbands at 40 because they feel they "haven't found themselves."
3 and 6 is VERY hard to find. That's because the women that fall into this category are already happily married...and the WILL STAY that way. In a period where women now have complete independence is frightens me how many still use manipulative techniques to communicate.
Women who ignore 4 or 5 get dumped, divorced or cheated on.
Women who don't agree with 7 are too busy with their cats to be reading this anyway, and/or they suffer the same consequences as 4 and 5.
This is also great for men who are unsure of what type of woman to look for in today's society, which is full of emasculating feminist messages for men. Most of what is said is completely wrong and/or based on the author's personal insecurities.
Hands down...Any woman not living by these seven traits is LOOKING to have drama in her life PERIOD! And should be avoided at ALL cost.
You knocked it out the park with this one Bree. Too bad there's not a men's section to post it in also ;)
1. Must have some things in common
2. Must have a common sense of morality
Number 1's a no brainer. How'd you miss that one? I also look for women with strong moral standards. If they have cheated, or stolen, or don't seem to mind killing innocent living things for example, I have a hard time finding them attractive.
That's not to say there are no American women who manifest these qualities - and not just as a way to hook a man into marriage. But the truth is, in post-feminist America, it's slim pickins among American women, if this is your shopping list as a man.
You can find this out anecdotally, by asking a lot of men. You'll find a few who remain truly happy in their marriages long term - and many who are not. Or you can look at the stats.
Or you can read the women oriented blogs on HuffPo and elsewhere on the web. The other day, some woman who teaches gender studies wrote a Huffpo blog in which she frankly talked about how women need to "shape up" their men.
And - let's not forget - the cost to a man for making a mistake in choosing a mate is potentially crushing. The court system is wildly skewed in the USA, and too many men get unjustly punished every single day during divorce proceedings. Though I've never been a member, the Men's Rights movement exists for a reason.
Feminists books tell women not to change a single thing in terms of insecurities or manipulative behaviors for men. The idea is that men should crumble before them or suffer their wrath. And like you said, they have every law available to help them snap a man in half.
Marriages are designed to keep men trapped as women have all the options. Look up men who ask women to sign prenups and read about the manipulative and viscous tactics women use to get men to back down.
You should see YouTube, with the women talking about techniques to "train" your man like a dog.
American men should consider time DOES NOT heal all wounds. A study was taken detailing that the emotion/financial divorce devastation done to a percentage of men in this country is NEVER gotten over. Scary stuff.
Agreed, it's best to look to other countries. Although American feminist have attempted to get the ability to marry foreign women shut down. They claim these women are naive and taken advantage of.
PLEEEEEASE! I have known men who have done this and they're HAPPY wives are spoiled rotten. They are treated well because the men in their lives are treated well.
1. Confident in skin - Men don't give a damn how confident you are about your looks or your world. If you were highly confident chances are they'd be competing with you and men don't compete with their heart throbs just their beer buddies and Fk buddies.
2. Knows what she wants = this woman does not exist. The disc does not come with that programming code.
3. Clearly communicates - men don't care how you communicate we interpret grunts and whistles. Just point to your crotch or the dinner table we'll come.
4. The only one that's right on this list.
5. We dont really care if you desire us but you will have to fake it really well. We're good with advanced faking.
6. Uhm....drama.....is part of the feminine code and therefore part of the "couples" code.
7. We don't really care if you want sex we just care if you like it. We would rather pursue than be fed. Again wrong on a core man trait.