My ex-husband and I were married for eleven years and our divorce finalized nearly two months to the day prior to our twelve year anniversary. By that time, having already been through the roller coaster of working out the details of a divorce, we were getting along really well and both moving into more positive places in our lives.
It was really after we separated in October of last year that I felt like I had plunged into the unknown. Having just realized the death of my childhood dream (wife, mom, white picket fence in the 'burbs), I wasn't sure what to do with myself. But faced with time alone to reflect, I started discovering who I was outside of that lifelong dream and was surprised to find there was more to me than I think I ever realized.
The Songs
My journey, before I even realized I was on one, really started with Katy Perry. My playlist during that time would have made any teenage girl proud, but I guess as I was starting over it was reminiscent of those teenage years of self-discovery. "Baby, You're A Firework," as cliché as it seemed to go all girl-power, was a perfect reminder when doubt started to creep in; as it so often does during divorce. Not only did I need to be reminded that there was life still left within me, but I truly hoped that there may indeed be a rainbow after the hurricane I was in.
The Work of Art
Truly the most heartbreaking part of divorce is telling the kids. I've been fortunate in that my ex-husband and I have remained firmly on the same page of making sure we do all we can to help our children navigate this enormous change in their lives. To that end, when we sat them down to tell them what was happening, we gave them each a necklace and reserved two for ourselves. The necklaces depicted the Tree of Life, a beloved symbol of our Christian faith. While Christians see it as a symbol of eternal life through Christ, in our family it took on a broader meaning. We explained to our children that our family was changing but that we would always be a family. Through the Tree of Life, we not only are connected to Jesus but we are connected to each other. Always and no matter what happens. As they get older, we will explain to them that our branches will grow. One or both of us may remarry, they may marry and have children. Our tree has changed and it, no doubt, will continue to change. But we will always be connected through those branches with our savior at the root. To this day, when I see the Tree of Life anywhere, I feel a peace and reassurance wash over me.
The Purchase
Having kids means generally not buying things for yourself beyond what you need. And facing single motherhood means generally being terrified about how you are going to do it all alone. But after perusing the candle aisle of Target 865 times over the years, I finally decided maybe I could splurge a tiny bit. Lighting my "Be Peaceful" lavender and eucalyptus candle in the evenings, while drinking a glass of wine and writing down my thoughts, became treasured personal time that I took nearly every night. While well worn down, my candle still sits in my room and lighting it brings me right back to those lovely times of reflective relaxation.
The Food
I joked a bit during those more difficult days that no diet could ever beat the divorce diet. If it weren't for the whole divorce part, I'd go through it again for the fantastic weight loss. Having lost every bit of baby weight I struggled to lose the past ten years, at some point I found my appetite again and, with it, found I actually like to cook. Recipes I'd saved on Pinterest for years finally came to life in my kitchen, amidst (more) wine and dancing to Katy Perry. I learned how to properly bake a spaghetti squash, exactly how much wine one can drink while stirring a bechamel sauce and why The Pioneer Woman really is all that and a bag of homemade, omg these are so good, baked potato chips.
The TV Show
Absent from the majority of my journey through divorce were friends with which to relate and commiserate. Most everyone I know is married and while they were great at lending an ear, they couldn't really tell me what was normal and what wasn't. It was my esthetician (because Lord knows you gotta keep up with these things when you are single) who pointed me towards the television show, "The Girlfriend's Guide To Divorce." Armed with more wine, I laughed and cried and found relief in knowing I am not alone in the experiences and feelings one is faced with when going through divorce. And through watching the show's main character, Abby McCarthy, I was inspired to start writing again; this time hanging up my political hat and hoping to lend others the validation of normality Abby and friends had lent me.
The Activity
When the stress of divorce was at its highest, I rediscovered how beneficial it was to spend time at the gym. Sweating out the stress did wonders and I always felt better after an intense workout. But, even with my girl power jam going, the elliptical and free weights started to get boring so I dug deeper. I remembered that I'd really wanted to learn tennis and thought, "Well, why not?" Looking back, I think taking on tennis was when I really realized that doors were open. Why not try new things? It occurred to me all of the sudden that the only thing holding me back was me. So with my new racquet and cute new shoes (I had to work up the nerve to don that tiny skirt!), I had fun learning with other women as clueless as myself. Beyond tennis, I'd also long had an interest in yoga, so I tried out classes and really fell in love with the mind/body connection that encompasses the practice. In yoga, I learned the value of being present in the moment which has helped me on and off my mat. As in my continual journey, there are always new mountains to climb in yoga and lessons to learn. It has been a beautiful compliment to my new life and the new woman I am becoming.