"If one man calls you an ass, pay him no mind. If two men call you an ass, go buy a saddle."
Jackasses: We all know them. None of us can stand them. But what if "them" is "us"? Here's a short guide to help you walk through the jackass self-assessment process. As you read through the sentences, write down the letter that best encapsulates you.
1) When someone else experiences success, do you: A) genuinely congratulate him; B) publicly congratulate him, while privately talking crap about him; or C) clearly announce your displeasure?
2) When you're talking to someone at a social event, are you: A) focused solely on the person in front of you; B) constantly looking over the person's shoulder for someone more interesting or important; or C) mildly feigning interest until the conversation can circle back to how awesome you are?
3) Your attitude toward timeliness can best be described as: A) of extreme importance; B) of little importance; or C) mildly important, when it fits your schedule.
4) When you meet a new person, you quickly try to determine: A) his perspective and quirks; B) what he can do for you; or C) his net worth.
5) You use social media to: A) genuinely interact; B) stalk, in hopes that others' misfortune will make you feel better about yourself; or C) broadcast why you're awesome.
6) The attributes for valuing a person in your life are: A) thoughtfulness, shared values, and the ability to challenge you; B) what he can do for you, as well as his net worth and famous friends; or C) his reaffirmation of your own beliefs and his constant kissing-up.
7) You get involved in nonprofits because: A) you genuinely care and want to cause positive change; B) it makes you look good and helps you "network;" or C) everyone else does it.
8) When a friend asks for help, you: A) help, or politely refuse with a well-reasoned explanation; B) do as little as you can, yet still retain your ability to "call in a favor" in the future; or C) create an excuse to say "no."
9) The most important things in your life are: A) your relationships and reputation amongst those you admire; B) recognition, perceived wealth, and relationships you can "use;" or C) your car and house, the perceived attractiveness of your spouse, and who you've "met."
10) Your attitude toward paying bills is: A) always be on time; B) pay only when it looks like I might be sued; or C) always pay at the last possible minute.
11) When someone tells you about a cool experience, you: A) are excited and ask about it; B) immediately try to invent a "cooler" experience to brag about; or C) immediately try to remember a "cooler" experience to brag about.
12) Entry-level employees should be treated: A) with dignity, of course; B) like crap, because they're worthless, and I was treated like crap early in my career; or C) well, only if they can help me.
Now, for every "A," subtract 1/2 point. For every "B," add two points. For every "C," add one point.
-5.5 to 0: The world thanks you for making it a better place.
0 to 5: You're generally a good person, with some baggage.
5 to 15: You're in the jackass danger zone. Take a long, hard look in the mirror.
15 to 20: Congrats, you're a full-blown jackass.
20 to 22: You're more pond scum than human.
Follow Brent Beshore on Twitter: www.twitter.com/brentbeshore