Photo Credit: Brent Stoller
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On the silver anniversary of ADVICE, allow me to say thank you to everyone for reading and to those who have shared their personal lives in this public forum.
After all, this column wouldn't exist without your questions, so please keep them coming.
To submit a question, fill out this impossibly brief Google form, then come back and read today's answer...
(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
I went on a date with a guy and had a really good time. At the end of the night, he told me he was married. He said he felt bad and wanted to be honest with me. Yes, I was very upset, as I seem to attract married men. We still talk to each other on the phone and we do see each other two to three times a week at our sons' baseball practices. I have told him several times that we cannot continue talking to each other, and he tells me his relationship with his wife is OK. He continues to contact me and tells me he wants me, but I don't know if he really likes me. I know he can't just break it off with his wife overnight -- nor would he -- but can he really feel something for me?
Jlag0307; Orlando, FL
In one of the first editions of this column, I explained how, in my answers, I wouldn't be telling people what they should or shouldn't be doing. Doing so would imply that I know best, and that's not the case. I'm neither judge nor jury.
Instead, my goal is to paint a 360-degree picture of a situation, to present all viable options and resolutions -- and then let the questioner decide on the proper course of action.
Unfortunately, with this question, I'm having trouble adhering to my mission statement.
This situation is bad all the way around. He's married. Your sons play baseball together. I'm not sure there are two sides to this story.
I don't mean to sound harsh or insensitive, but I don't see how this is a relationship you can pursue. I get that it's difficult to be lonely, and I get that when you find someone you like, you're willing to do just about anything -- and put up with just about anything -- to hold onto that connection.
But do you really want to have an affair with the father of your son's teammate? Before you wade too far into this, think about the potential consequences. Think about if this is what you want for your love story. Think about your son and the humiliation he stands to suffer if things go south. (And in all likelihood, it will go south.) Think about this guy's wife and what it'd feel like to have someone cheat on you. Do you really want to be the other woman?
Not that it makes a difference, but this guy isn't even saying he's looking to leave his wife for you. In fact, he's telling you the exact opposite. He's telling you that his marriage is fine and that he's not going anywhere.
Best-case scenario, he's someone who should never have gotten married and is searching for his next side piece. Worst-case scenario, he's a scumbag who takes advantage of unsuspecting women to get off, preying on their vulnerabilities in the bleachers during batting practice. Where's the upside? Where's the fairy-tale ending? Where's the ending that results in anything but disaster?
Could he be feeling something for you? Sure. I guess. But I think the more appropriate question is: What does it matter?
Instead of focusing on him, let's focus on you. You said you always attract married men -- the very definition of the unavailable dream. Why do you think that is? Granted, given your son's age and extracurricular activities, these are the guys you most frequently come across, so it could be a product of circumstance.
But if I had to bet, I'd say there's more to it than that. I don't believe you're consciously pursuing other people's husbands, but I do believe they keep showing up on your doorstep for a reason.
While I accept that there's much in life we can't control, I do think that the worlds we create for ourselves aren't created by accident. They are often a reflection of our inner thoughts and beliefs. To a certain extent, our lives play out as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I'm wondering what's making you invest in this toxic relationship. What purpose or void is it filling? Do you not believe you're worthy of something better? Do you not believe you're worthy of happiness? Deep down, is there something that's convinced you that this is the best that you deserve?
I don't know, and I'm not going to guess. In realigning with my mission statement for this column, I'll let you be the one to decide.
COMING FRIDAY: Long-Distance Relationships
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To send in a question, please complete this short Google form. All submissions are anonymous, even to the author.