When I was 15 years old, I attempted suicide. I've been plagued by anxiety for as long as I can remember. In many ways, it can be considered my default setting.
I was a Freshman in high school, immature and impulsive. My girlfriend had broken up with me and the emotions I felt were intense and I had no idea how to process them. I simply wanted them to stop. My parents were out for the evening. My younger sister and I were the only ones home, she was in her room.
I grabbed a bottle of pills (without reading the label), and swallowed them with water. It took only a matter of seconds for me to regret that decision. I went to my sister and told her what I'd done, ending with, "I'm scared."
She called my parents who rushed home. My father (a former EMT) grabbed a bottle of ipecac from a local drug store on the way home. About an hour of vomiting later, it was fair to say the meds were out of my stomach.
I recall a flurry of counselor appointments and criticism from peers over doing something so stupid. Their approach was NOT helpful.
As I reflect upon that time, I think upon it much wiser. I wish I could have wrapped my arms around that young, confused boy and say, "You're not alone, we'll get through this together."
A critical factor of resilience is knowing to the depths of our souls that we are not alone, that there is someone to accompany us on this often rough road of life. Someone, not to rescue, in times of distress. But simply someone to smile confidently upon us and say, "You've got this. When you're ready, we'll begin putting the pieces back together. We'll make sure they're a little stronger this time."
There have been other times in my life when I experienced similar feelings of desperation. When I endured chemotherapy as an 18 year old, and when my ex-wife left me and our three sons for another man.
I felt the desperation, but not the urge to end it all. What was different? A part of me knew, that there was something on the other side of the pain. There was the opportunity to discover happiness again. I didn't know when or where I'd find it, but it was simply a matter of time. It was a matter of my choosing to find happiness until my circumstances improved.
That's how you can be happy during the difficult times. Life has proven to you, time after time, that it gets better. You don't have to wait until things are better to feel happy. Feel it now. After all, flowers grow better in the sunlight. Happiness grows better when you shine your optimism upon difficult circumstances.
I sit in my wheelchair as I write this to you. My body wracked with pain, and I'm smiling. Because I know, that my life isn't about the pain I feel now. It's about the happiness waiting for me to create it. So I'll choose to be happy now.
I still feel anxious every day. I know it's just a feeling, sometimes it's more intense than at other times. I remind myself that I can think of it as a voice mumbling in the background, but it isn't one I need to take advice from.
Feeling happy while anxious is a unique experience. Just make sure you act upon the one that moves you forward.
Thanks for being you,
Brian R. King