I was 3 years old the first time I called someone my boyfriend. Davis Tremont was a dark-eyed 3-year-old with thick black hair who lived across the street. I would put dresses on in the morning and ask my mother if she thought Davis would think I was pretty. One day, my older brother looked outside and saw Davis and me jumping on a trampoline... naked. Up and down went Bridget's little naked body, then up and down would go Davis' little naked body. Repeat. Davis and I were bound to fail. Not only because we were 3, but because he had a pushing problem. Yes. Davis liked to push me down. I would beg my mother to walk me across the street to see him and come home broken-hearted after he would shove me to the ground. Eventually, I had enough of this mistreatment. Davis and I were playing at my house in the front yard when he pushed me down one too many times. My mother heard screaming and came running outside to find me gripping Davis' thick black hair and vigorously shaking his head.
"Bridget!" she gasped. "What are you doing?"
My mother says I stopped shaking him without letting go of his hair. I turned and looked at her with rage in my eyes, and I went right back to shaking his head with all of my 3-year-old might. Even at 3, I had my limits and knew when to take things into my own hands. That little girl is still in me, so let this be a lesson to my husband: don't push me too far. Luckily for him, the man I married is bald.
I met my husband, Elliot, four years ago, and we've been married 18 months. There were nearly 30 years between Davis and Elliot, and during that time, there have been lots of love. Puppy loves to broken hearts that made it hard to breathe. Boys chasing me and me chasing after boys. Thinking back on it now, it all seems exhausting. I went through a number of long-term relationships that ended up not working out for one reason or another, and I also went through several long stretches of being single and wondering if I would ever get married.
Now that I am married, my perspective on relationships has changed quite a bit. In fact, I can't exactly remember what I thought marriage was going to be like, but I am sure my marriage is nothing like that. It's as though I was expecting to go to California or Paris and instead ended up in outer space. The view is beautiful, but it takes some getting used to. Here are a few reflections on marriage from a newlywed wife married in her thirties.
First, I used to think marriage was an arrival point. I used to think that once a couple reached a certain level of stability and certainty, they got married. Although that is true to some extent, I now consider marriage a leap of faith and a starting point. It is the beginning of two lives committing to one another and creating something new, something different and separate from who they were as individuals before marriage. But this creating process does not happen overnight. It takes years of hard work of letting go of the old in order to allow space for the new. I'm not sure there is ever an "arrival point" in marriage or in life in general. Just a continual journey toward an unknown destination.
Related to marriage being an arrival point, I used to think marriage was a static platform and from that platform, the couple built their dreams. Now I see that marriage is much more dynamic and especially in the early years, much less stable than a platform. Instead, I've grown to understand marriage as a vehicle for growth. This makes it easier to deal with the inevitable conflicts that arise from two people trying to blend their lives into one. Conflict makes a platform unsteady and can lead one to believe there is something wrong with the platform. However, conflict is fuel in a vehicle for growth. There is nothing wrong with conflict in this context. It is how we move forward.
Finally, I used to think that being married was better than being single. I feel like our culture and society feeds us this message from infancy. Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. I am thankful for him every day and am happily married. However, after having experienced years of being single and now in a committed relationship, I no longer think one is better than the other. They are just different, with different benefits and different challenges. Marriage is hard work, just as being single is hard work. Marriage has its joys of sharing life together and being single has its joys of independence. One's not better than the other. They are just different.
I recently had a friend tell me that I have experienced life "successfully" as a single person and now "successfully" partnered. That word struck me as odd. Although I have been single and coupled, I would never say I have done these things "successfully." Compared to who or what? What is the standard of "success?" The truth is I have muddled my way through life, just like the rest of us with some days being better than others and some relationships working out better than others. There is no success and failure. We all just do the best we can with the tools and resources we have been given.
So my story began with Davis, but I would not say it ends with Elliot. I would say it begins again with Elliot. I am grateful for his love and support. I am grateful for our marriage because it helps me to grow. It helps us to grow. But there are lots of different ways to grow in this life, not only marriage. So whether you are single, partnered, or somewhere in between, carry on. Just keep moving forward. The journey is always an adventure, and we're never quite sure just where we will end up.