Bullied

I've felt off for a couple weeks now, and I just want to lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling, and tell you this while the corners of my eyes well up -- so come lay down next to me and let me say it all real fast before my voice gets all hiccupy.

My kid was being bullied and I had no idea. It feels so hypocritical to write that. I was bullied. I speak out about this exact thing every day of my life.

I knew something was off, and I asked all the right questions, but nothing gave -- just a refusal to go to school. A tear-filled, screaming, drag-them-down-the-hall refusal to go to school. I did sticker charts and after-school rewards and this whole time, this whole f*cking time, I was bribing my kid to suck it up and go to school to get picked on, and I had no idea.

And then I found out. We were eating pizza with extra sauce on the floor playing Lego Harry Potter 2 on Xbox, and as casually as one would mention the weather, the words came out.

The verbal stuff. The physical stuff.

It's OK, baby, I'll fix this, it will stop.

No, mom, it's never going to stop.

Nope. No. Kids don't get to have that outlook. My kids don't get to have that outlook. Period.

Because I know that outlook. I lived that outlook, and tried to stop living that outlook more times than I want to let escape from my lips.

Now, when you realize something like this -- that your kid is being targeted and hurt -- you go through some messed-up stages. First, you just want to vomit. You want to vomit until you're completely empty and then you want to lay on the tile until roots sprout from your skin and the earth pulls you under.

Then, you get mad as hell. Like, if you had fangs, they'd be bared and snarly. Everyone who gets in your way, be it the UPS guy or the grocery store cashier, gets the brunt of your anger, because suddenly, you feel like you are the only person in the world who is angry about this, when everyone in the world should be angry about this.

Next up is the crying. The constant crying. Because every part of it feels bad. You feel bad for your kid, you feel bad for the bullies... everything just feels so incredibly bad that you can't even keep track of which part feels the most bad of all the bads that have to do with this situation.

Lastly, all the previous stages of emotion band together, leaving you this angry, emotional mess of a mother who just wants to vomit about the whole entire thing.

I don't want my kids to have these years tarnished. I don't want them to hate school. I don't want them to feel afraid there. I don't want them to miss out on any opportunity for fun and magic because in their mind, staying behind is the safer option.

I have two amazing parents. They faced unimaginable struggles, and devoted so much of their lives to us -- and to this day, they are, like, my best friends in the world. But I would be lying if I didn't admit I wish they would have done more to stop what I went through in school.

There are a million legitimate reasons why they didn't. Life was different back then. We weren't living in this everybody-gets-a-trophy, broadcast-your-problems-on-YouTube era. They were busy working and running a business. I didn't say as much as I should have.

But still, I wish they could have somehow read my mind or seen the signs I gave them. A note home from school saying I had skipped first period 27 times (my bullies sat behind me and told me I was a fat whore). My choice to stop talking for six months (I thought it would help me disappear). The fact that I suddenly had no friends to visit (they said it'd be better if I'd just die). I wanted my parents to see the truths I didn't want to say out loud -- but they didn't. And part of me resented them for that for a long time.

So it's really easy for me to sit here and make this grand statement that I'm going to be an advocate for my kids, when in reality, for five weeks, I missed it. I missed the signs.

And all the things that happened to me didn't cause an iota of pain compared to this. My insides hurt; I haven't exhaled for days; I can't stop kissing my kids -- and frankly, I'm starting to annoy them. Steps have been taken; fixing is in motion; everyone is doing the right thing; the bullies' parents have been fantastic. But this feeling that I missed it... this feeling sucks, man.

And that's what I have to say today.

This post originally appeared on Brittany, Herself.

 

Comments

[sskepticall]

03:04 AM on 10/01/2012

Where have we heard these same indicators before.

Incest victims not wanting to be picked up by the divorced parent, or the kid who is with the divorced parent not wanting to go home .....and they are KICKING AND SCREAMING.

Kids who are going of with ANY unrelated adult who they used to easily go off with....they hide and BEG not to be made gooff with the unrelated adult or to that unrelated adults house.

OPEN your ears. If you don't know what it is that they are pitching a fit over ..... don't assume that it is just the cranky of a kid. Don't assume that it is a kid that is just trying to make your morning or evening or afternoon difficult because they are a cranky.

If turns into a chronic situation then you've got a problem that you've got to figure out.

So here is an ironclad rule ----- NEVER EVER deliver your kid to someone they don't know. Don't let MAKE them go somewhere when they are pitching a fit and their demeanor has changed about that person. Carefully and cautiously find out why they no longer want to go with that person...be it a friend or any level of family member.

They are trying to tell you something.

[MTHM]

10:37 PM on 09/30/2012

Your child felt safe and comfortable enough to tell you -- that says a lot about the kind of mom you are. I know this is easy to say, but you didn't miss it for 5 weeks, your child hid it. Your child, being a child, tried other ways to handle it -- as hard as it was for you to hear, it was probably so much harder for your child to say (think of you when you were bullied -- you never wanted to actually say it out loud). When your child realized that skipping school wasn't a realistic option, your child did feel safe enough to tell you, your child gathered the courage to say it out loud -- kudos to both of you! Your child showed a lot of courage by telling you, and your child also let you know just how much s/he knows s/he trusts you and can count on you. Despite the bullying, you were able to give your child a feeling of security with you. My heart aches for what you are both dealing with, but I am so glad that the bullies' parents are being cooperative, and I'm also glad and amazed to hear that, with what was being done to your child, you had enough insight and empathy to feel badly for the bullies. You may not feel like it now, but you're a really great mom and role model. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Peggy Fulton]

06:13 PM on 09/30/2012

it happened to my daughter and she is handicap in a wheelchair i am so glad she is through school i hated every minute of it for her.

[SuperDaveOsborn]

06:05 PM on 09/30/2012

Part 1 of 2 on Bullies

PARENTS - This is so simple, ask your kids often if there's anyone being mean and unfair to to them, and assure them that the way you'll handle it will not expose them to more of the same or other peer pressure consequences, because IF NEED BE, you will move them into away from the problems altogether to protect them, and that any decisions about how this will be handled, they will have the opportunity to approve BEFORE any knee jerk reaction & the consequences that come with that.

THERE ARE REALLY ONLY TWO REASONS THAT PEOPLE (and kids) LIE, (or whithold things) AND THESE ARE:

1). To Protect Themselves

2). To Protect Others

Sooo, if we approach our children with this in mind - they will trust us, and a reasonable plan can be worked out - if we express this to them, so that they can then speak freely to us.

[Gordon Browning]

04:31 PM on 09/30/2012

This is a serious problem. My boy's delt with it and I did but the school did little or nothing to prevent the problem. Many parents and kids face this problem daily, just like drugs it is a serious problem that goes ignored by schools kid's are just getting away with everything any more . Parents are told that the school will deal with it but the only thing that is done is the kid causing the problem gets sent home. That is exactly what they want. There is no dicipline in a vacation from school. My son hated school because of bullying. We finally had to take him out of the school because he would cry on his way to school and on the way home from being picked on. Public schools are the worst, they cause more harm (mentally and physically) than good. Ever since we put him in this other charter school he has made amaizing progress,he is getting along with the teachers and students. He is overall happier now than he ever was at the local public school. Public schools are not worth the stress they place on families and the sad thing is our taxes pay for them. Sad,sad,sad I dont regret for one moment taking my son out of the public school system at all. Charter schools are limited and do not tollerate bullying if it happens the student is booted from the program.

[get the abusers]

04:26 PM on 09/30/2012

Its bad enough to be treated bad by other children their own age, but can you just think how a child feels when their own parents Taunt and bully them . Children mimic how they are treated by their parents so called discipline ,especially in speech, expression, and gesture . Parents who allow children to play violent videos and watch inappropriate TV programs are just as guilty .

[BudMax77]

04:24 PM on 09/30/2012

I had to learn the hard way, but it allowed mke to grow up and be a man almost instantly. All my life I'd been a skinny scrawny kid throughout elementary school, junior high, and when entering freshman year of high school, it was still the same being picked on and abused by the bigger and older kids, One day, during lunch period, a particularly large bully confronted me with a feew of his friends surrounding him. Crossing a narrow bridge on the school grounds, Imwas halfway across when the bully came from opposite direction. He threatened to beat me up if I didn't back up and get off the bridge, I went insane at that moment. I jumped on him with my hands on his throat, and bashed his head against the brick wall, screaming loudly that I would "kill" him if he ever messed with me again. With him nearly passing out, he complied acknowledgement, and I let him go. From that time on, nobody has ever dared t give me any trouble, and I had to really get mad to do it.

[txrose4ever]

04:18 PM on 09/30/2012

When my little brother was in the 3rd grade, he would often come home crying because he was bullied every day after school. I was a shy, petite, 15 year old girl at that time, and never had been in a fight. . After this went on for a while, I got fed up when he came home one day saying these bullies had stolen his bike and books. I marched outside in our apartment complex, located the boy who was primarily responsible for it, got my brother's bike back. While I was doing this, another boy who was older and my size, and a relative of the bully interfered. I told him to mind his own business. He then responded, "Make me." I immediately punched him in the face, and the next thing we were rolling around on the ground, I was beating the living daylights out of him. Knocked out one of his teeth. I whooped his butt. Never thought I had it in me. None of them ever bothered my brother again. To this day, my brother remembers this fondly.

[Ladyrenact]

04:14 PM on 09/30/2012

When I was younger and that was in the 60's. I had a group of friends that kids knew that they could come to us. To let us know that they were being bullyed and who was doing the bullying and how bad it was. One of us or more would go up to the person and tell them to

[txrose4ever]

04:07 PM on 09/30/2012

I remember being bullied in high school. I simply made friends with some very nice people in some of my classes, who were bigger than me. I broadened my circle of friends, to include friends of all races. I remember a time, when a group of girls, were trying to start something with me, and one of my friends saw what was happening as she passed by.She knew these other girls, and came to my defense. They never bothered me again.

[BowlingForRevenge]

04:49 PM on 09/30/2012

YOU will go far if you haven't already :)
Adapting to a situation is crucial.
Some of us will never be victims and I don't really know why.

[PaigeHutton]

04:07 PM on 09/30/2012

I was bullied in 7th grade by a girl named Yvonne who was much older, but only a year ahead of me in school. Coming down the stairs between classes, as I passed her and her gang of hangers-on, Yvonne stabbed me in the arm with a pencil. Her friends loved it. I was petrified to say anything and avoided her after that, even if it meant staying at school after most kids had gone home. One day, I left a nearly deserted school, only to see Yvonne and her friends following me down the street. I passed a twenties-something woman standing on the sidewalk that I recognized as the mother of a tiny girl in my class. Just as Yvonne passed her, the woman punched her full on in the side of the face. Next thing I knew, Yvonne was on the ground with the woman on top of her, beating the hell out of her, and screaming that Yvonne had hurt her daughter for the last time, and was going to apologize. Yvonne's friends ran, and I hurried home as fast as I could cover the nearly half a mile to my house. Yvonne was gone from the school soon after, I think her family moved, and I never found out if anything happened to the young mother who took matters in her own hands. It was an exhilarating day that I still remember in detail, fifty years later.

[sedagive42]

03:50 PM on 09/30/2012

We have all this self-esteem stuff, but it is all external. We have hamstrung ourselves in what we allow other people to do to help our kids A teacher is not allowed to teach values. In my day a teacher would say "that is rude" when personal comments were made, now they can't. If you told the teacher she/he talked to the kid and they kept an eye out. Unless you are going to follow your kid around then we need to help them learn that NO one can make them feel bad if they choose not to. I recall my Mom telling me to think about what someone else said or did was about them, not me. Part of the old Christian values were that I was responsible for myself, and asking for help was OK. I knew my Momma would wade in like Attila the Mother if I needed but working it out myself would make my character. Being confident and capable was a goal of my generation. We all live in a world with jerks, but learning to not let them own your life is a skill. Kids are now being taught to feel like victims.

[OhioSpeaks]

03:44 PM on 09/30/2012

Mom, dont be so hard on yourself. Guess what? Because it DID happen to you, unfortunately, you are the perfect Mom to know how to make things better for Your kids. We all have those, vomit, cry, angry and then rational moments that take over to "fix" the problems.

Kids can be so damm mean. I know where they learn it, but WHY?

[HarleeGirl]

03:33 PM on 09/30/2012

My duaghter has always been considered the "nice girl" - not a mean bone in her body. She was bullied in third grade. I contacted the school and the teacher and parents of the bullies all got involved. I told my daughter while you can't control the behavior of others - you can only control your own reaction to it. She continued being the nice girl and forgave the bullies while keeping her eyes open that it may not be the end. Now she is in 8th grade and voted class rep by the same kids - on the volleyball team, basketball team and 5 or so clubs. Things happen - teach your kids to be themselves and stay strong. It all works out.

[mooreline]

03:27 PM on 09/30/2012

Children do not understand tolerance. Adults, in today's society are far too tolerant. If you name your child some cutesy name to show who you are, if you give them a weird haircut or dress them in costumes that reflect who you are, they will suffer the consequences. Not your child's fault and not really the bullies fault because they do not understand. Never have and never will.It's up to you to make your child's life as pleasant as possible.

[Emperor Dragon Omega]

04:46 PM on 09/30/2012

I accidentally flagged the above post as offensive, my apologies. :(