One of the secrets of parenting is that it's often a very lonely sport. Especially for dads. Our children expect us to be the Answer Man, Mr. Fix It, the Know-it-All. And the truth is we often expect this of ourselves. Maybe our dads played this role for us. Maybe we interpreted their silence, or awkwardness, or distance to be authority. Maybe they had skills -- changing the oil, building the tree-house, serving their country -- that we never had, or never utilized.
But for whatever reason, dads today like to think we have the answers, when often we don't.
Two years ago this week I stumbled into a way to end this isolation. I reached out to six men from all parts of my life and asked them to be present in the lives of my three-year-old twin daughters. And I called this group, "The Council of Dads."
I formed this group for emotional reasons. I was facing a life-threatening illness. But even before my illness passed, I realized the Council of Dads was giving me something that I didn't know I needed.
It was giving me an inner circle. It was welcoming my friends into the most precious thing in my life -- the lives of my children. It was making me feel part of a group.
Fathering was no longer a solo sport. It was a team sport.
Along the way, I asked each dad for one piece of wisdom he would share with my girls.
Their answers surprised, and moved me. They made me a better father.
And they inspired me to write the book, The Council of Dads, which gathers the life lessons from my these dads, along with some from my dad, and various father figures in my life.
Today, when one my daughters asks me a question I don't know the answer to, or gives me that look that says, "Can you make it better?" I no longer feel alone. Or scared.
I turn to my Council.
Here, with a little help from these men, are 10 Lessons for My Daughters from The Council of Dads.
1. Be a Traveler, Not a Tourist - A tourist takes the easy road. A traveler seeks out the challenging path. A tourist stays on the bus. A traveler jumps in the mud.
2. Always Pack Your Flip-Flops - In college, a friend and I backpacked across Asia and got kicked out of the great hotels because he refused to wear anything but tank tops and flip-flops. Twenty years later, though he wears a suit during the day, he still wears flip-flops whenever he can. We would still get kicked out of those hotels. Not surprisingly, he's my most loyal friend. Whatever you do, be true to yourself. Wherever you go, always pack your flip-flops.
3. Don't Give in To the Wall- Dream big. And when you encounter a wall, find a way to get over it, around it, or under it. Whatever you do, don't succumb to it. Don't give into the wall.
4. Tend Your Tadpoles - When I was a boy I caught tadpoles with a friend. Like those tadpoles, we grew legs and hopped off into the world. I had little in common with that friend. Later, when I needed help, my friend was suddenly back. Tend your tadpoles. You never know when you might need a pal.
5. Live the Questions - Have patience with the unknown. No matter where you find yourself, if you ask questions, you'll find your way. Don't only seek the answers. Try to love the questions. And the point is to love everything you do. Live the questions.
6. Harvest Miracles - Life is full of everyday miracles. Sometimes it just takes a bad situation to help appreciate them. Even when it's cloudy, keep looking for the rainbow.
7. Use Your Words - When you were toddlers, we begged you, "Use your words." Yet sometimes we forgot to take our own advice. Even when you're older, don't hide behind silence. When you face a problem, talk it through.
8. Always Learn to Juggle on the Side of a Hill - When I was 12, I learned to juggle on the side of a gravel hill with oranges. Every time I dropped an orange it would hit the ground, pulpify, and roll to the bottom of the incline. It was fool's errand. But it worked! If you're going to try something, try it. Don't half commit.
9. Take a Walk with a Turtle - In Paris, centuries ago, a new type of pedestrian appeared. He was called a flaneur, one who strolled the arcades. Flaneurs liked to take turtles for walks and let the reptile set the pace. It's a perfect ode to slow-moving. Don't be in a hurry. Behold the world in pause.
10. Hug the Monster - Pilots learn that when they face a life-defining challenging, they should not run from their fear. They should embrace it. Hug the monster. Wrestle your fear into submission. Redirect it into a source of resilience and purpose.
Take trips, girls. Take chances. Take off.
The piece is adapted from The Council of Dads, by New York Times-bestselling author Bruce Feiler. Watch Bruce give a TED Talk about "The Council of Dads."
Follow Bruce Feiler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/brucefeiler
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The most important point made here:
Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.
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New trite ways to phrase tired old advice.
Tend your own tadpoles, pop.
Seriously, just use the good sense that the FSM gave you, be a nice person, express yourself clearly, and let your kids be themselves and you're already doing a better job than 90% of the people out there. You don't need a freakin' Council of Dad's to help you.
The sooner Americans stop lapping up this Stuart Smalley BS, the sooner people will stop publishing it.
I also think one sure key to a happy and meaningful life is to focus on doing what you can to make the world a better place and adding to the lives of others--especially those who are less fortunate.
Fleecing people who are aimlessly looking for answers in every place but the one place they exist does not necessarily make the world a better place
The best lesson I ever learned from anyone is that I'm not the only one in my world and if I want the world to be a certain way, it's my job to make it happen. Thank you Dad, I love you.
Peace and much love
Lara Jane
http://ultimatelifestyleproject.com/the-ultimate-life
1) here are my flaws. here are your mothers'. expect some to be non-issues, a few to be formidable, and gracefully choose your way out of the others.
2) if you're good at and/or like things that aren't traditionally girly (like math or lizards), run to them in haste.
3) never deny your humanity.
4) once you're an adult, most places you don't want to be you can leave, and always expect that you might want to.
5) most women i've known have had a greater problem with conviction and resolve than being fickle and subject to whims. you'll have to own your orientation either way.
6) our culture tends to over-couple education with income and bestowed credentials. it is more important than income, and no one can truly certify you, as the process is ongoing.
7) beauty is cheaper in time, effort, and resources than most women think it is.
8) if you ever choose to be someone's co-dependent, or vice-versa, that's two down.
9) god isn't in an organized religion.
10) figure out the level of material well-being you expect, and don't expect what you realize to be an accident.
About #5, it's my experience that women are more social. Simple observation, I know, but what it means is that more often than not women will move towards the group rather than away from it. Which is good when the safety of children is concerned. At other times it becomes a problem because rather than strike out on their own when they know a situation is bad, some may remain with the group rather than trust their instincts.
Men aren't necessarily different but we do tend have an easier time of telling everyone to "get bent" and go our own way.
But, hey, it is what it is.
Faved
Take advantage of every opportunity in life to laugh. Take yourself much less seriously than you already think you do. Carry a dime (that used to be for pay phones - remember them?). Don't call your mother names. Never have the TV on durning dinner. Listen to classic music. Watch spaghetti westerns whenever possible. Read voraciously. Vote (every time, not just sometimes). Know how to fish. Know how to drop an anchor. Don't cry at work, nobody cares. Turn on your turn signals. Don't follow too closely. And know when to let your dad go when the time comes. (The last one has been the hardest lesson of all)
kudos, Erinmae!
Mom's nurture and dad's put you on the ill-advised roller coaster ride. You gotta love daddy for that.
God bless all the REAL dads. I had one, and it's made all the difference.
Sometimes it is much better to wear a suit and get the job done instead of miss an opportunity.