The Republican National Committee today issued a rare emergency bulletin, stating that Gov. Sarah Palin, Sen. John McCain's pick for vice-president, cannot participate in the Republican National Convention or the fall general election campaign because Hurricane Gustav has raged northwest from the Louisiana coast to ravage all of the state of Alaska and left the winsome mother of five, fisherman's wife, upholder of family values and retired local-TV sports-bunny trapped under "at least l00 feet" of wet snow.
Since all members of the would-be rescue team have enlisted for duty in Iraq and left the continent, the RNC bulletin explained, Palin is expected to remain snowbound at least until Election Day on Nov. 4.
While regretting the resulting blow to Republican campaign plans, the RNC assured supporters and the public at large that the absence of the 44 year-old former basketball superstar and current governor will not derail the juggernaut that is McCain's presidential crusade.
McCain has already dispatched a team of husky dogs to deliver a supportive message to Palin. They are expected to arrive at her location sometime in late October.
Meanwhile, all telecommunications with the lady governor are said to be entirely cut off. As the soon-to-be GOP nominee told reporters, "Darn it, she cannot make outgoing calls."
Originally posted at the Washington Independent
Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of "All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall" and "Zany Afternoons."