According to the Dali Lama, we should choose to be optimistic because it feels better. This is why, when the Santa Barbara sky was permeated with ash last weekend, I envisioned that it was the by-product of the cremation of White House press secretary Tony Snow.
The spiritual leader of the Tibetan people was right, the idea of Snow-snow made me feel fantastic. Even The former Fox fabricator himself would find it hard to disapprove of imagining white ash as white trash, because like the Dali Lama, he is out there actively practicing spin.
At a time when the pope is emulating Danish cartoonists and our president's armistice disquisitions are as convincing as Jessica Simpson delivering a discourse on the complexities of the string theory, we need to reverse our negativity. During this epoch of extreme international turmoil, the positive-thinking Dali Lama, banished from his own country, has managed to remain the premier inspiration for hope and world peace.
Granted, the Thais did manage to stage a bloodless coup this week, but they have something most nations lack: the two-hour, $5 massage. Let's face it, any time your country is experiencing a revolution, it's comforting to know both sides have been recently rubbed and understand the benefits of a "happy ending."
On a recent sojourn to the ancient monasteries of Tibet, I was warned by my Buddhist tour guide not to converse about the Dali Lama and under no circumstances was I to partake in the buying or selling of photos glorifying him. At first my mischievous mind thought about how much fun it would be to buck the system and create "Holy-grams," three-dimensional Lama likenesses I could project on the temple wall, but then I remembered that I suffer from a condition called prison peon phobia. PPP is basically a fear of being incarcerated for committing the wimpiest crime. If I'm in a foreign cell with assassins who assaulted an embassy, the last thing I would want is to admit that I've been impounded for hawking digital deities. "Don't mess with me guys, I shoot with a 35mm."
In the spirit of hope, forget that people like President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela see Mr. Bush as the devil; it's time to attempt to align our president with the Dali Lama instead. They already have a lot in common; both claim to have a direct dialogue with God, and though the Dali Lama was recognized when he was 2 years old, George W. Bush is recognized for acting that age.
In the interest of taking him off the road of entitlement and onto the path of enlightenment, we should follow what the People's Republic of China did to the Dali Lama and ban Mr. Bush from our country. How much risk is there in that? It would have to help his ratings, which have dropped lower than the calorie content of Splenda.
It also may lead to him becoming more spiritual, which sometimes leads to vegetarianism -- and what could have greater positive spin than hearing that the man who has led us into these dismal days is now eating fresh spinach.
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