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Bunmi Laditan Headshot

5 Minutes in a Mom's Head

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MOM SLEEPING
Sharon Dominick via Getty Images
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What time is it? What day is it? Oh gosh this bed feels so good. Why can't I just stay here all day. That would be the perfect vacation. Screw the Caribbean, I just want my bed. My bed with Netflix and cheesecake. And Tostitos. Guacamole, too. Mmm. Nachos. And sangria. I'll never be skinny. Maybe I should do that Facebook ab challenge. Because I need something fresh to fail at. I should do a cheesecake challenge. Try a new cheesecake every day.

What are they fighting about? A highlighter? In a room full of toys that I paid good money for, these kids are fighting over a highlighter? Speaking of toys, I should probably wash their stuffed animals. What if they're full of dust mites. What if there's an entire city of dust mites right behind Tenderheart Bear's eyes? A dust mite community with freeways and infrastructure and elected dust mite officials. I need to be more on top of this stuff. Why can't I be a normal, responsible, Pinterest mom? I haven't made my baby one sensory table or ice tray full of colorful little finger foods.

What do I need to do today... return calls, answer emails, return texts from days ago... people probably think I'm so rude. I need to get organized. I need to organize this whole house. This room is a mess. I saw on Oprah that your bedroom is a reflection of your marriage. God please don't let that be true. I need to declutter. At the very least I need to put away all of this laundry. It's a bad sign when you run out of laundry baskets and start using clear storage containers. But first I need to take all of the clothes out of all of the drawers and sort. I'm tired of seeing my 4-year-old put on 2T pants. But they kind of look like capri pants, right? I just hate getting rid of clothes. Especially when I know they can't be passed down. Maybe we should have another baby. I don't feel done. I feel crazy and stressed out, but not done. Would I need a bigger car? I am not driving a minivan.

They should definitely have some fruit this morning. Strawberries. Too bad they're not organic. Aren't they on the dirty dozen list? It's probably better to eat air than a non-organic strawberry. They're probably just pesticides in the shape of strawberries. Strawberry-shaped toxic bombs of agricultural poison. I'll rinse them first.

I need to clean out the fridge. And the freezer. We're never going to eat that stuff. I hate that we waste so much. What am I going to make for dinner tonight? I've already done tacos... chicken... nobody likes my meatloaf. We need to eat less meat. I'm killing my family. Pasta? But gluten is bad, right? Rice. Rice with... I don't know. Maybe I'll just pick up a pizza. I've cooked for three nights in a row and deserve a night off. Definitely pizza.

I wish I could be more like my sister-in-law. She's so organized. My house looks like an outlet mall threw up in here and then lay down and made vomit angels in the vomit. Today is definitely a mopping day. Last night I think I saw a dust bunny roll across the family room like a tumbleweed in those old Western films. But first I have to go to the store and get some vinegar. I should throw out all of the harsh cleaners. Those chemicals are probably hurting the baby. It'll be my fault if there's ever something wrong with him. Me and my stupid love of Fresh Scent. What is Fresh Scent anyway? Wouldn't Fresh Scent technically be odorless? It's just that Fresh Scent makes me feel accomplished. Like I did something. They should call it "Progress Scent" or "I Tried Scent."

I need to get more pacifiers. At this point I'm starting to think they evaporate into thin air. Maybe goblins come in the night and steal them for their goblin babies. Speaking of goblins, I should sign them up for summer camp today. I hope I haven't missed the deadline. I can't believe how expensive camp is this year. I can see why some moms turn to stripping. Wasn't there a Lifetime movie about that? Stripping For Summer Camp?

Everyone needs doctor appointments. I wish doctors made house calls. But then I'd have to clean. Maybe I'd just spritz a little I Tried Scent in the air.

OK, if I don't get up now we're going to be late. Oh man, I have to stop for gas. I'm on empty. Why do I always wait until the last minute? Because I was rushing home to make dinner.

They want breakfast. Why haven't I heard the baby yet? Is he OK? I hope he's OK. Did he wake up last night? I can't remember. Oh no. What if I go in there and... oh, there he is. He's screaming now. I wish he'd sleep a little longer.

Bunmi is the author of Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault. This is a humor book, please calm down.

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