The Disney Princesses: If They'd Had Mothers

Disney is an American icon but the next time your family snuggles up on the couch to watch the latest flick or strolls through Disneyland sipping on $7 bottles of water, "It's a Small World" beckoning in the distance, consider the fact that this company hates little girls.

Simply put, Disney wants to see your female child fail at life.

Why else would their animated motion pictures routinely feature a hot carefree but directionless 20-something (I want to see some I.D., some of these girls look like busty teens) whose ambitions for adventure are abruptly transformed into an obsession with a man she barely knows? Sounds like a douchebag's dream and every mother and father's worst nightmare.

Sex & The City was criticized for allegedly encouraging young women to be sex-obsessed, superficial fashion slaves but at least those ladies had jobs. I'd rather have my daughter be a credit-card-debt-Carrie or stick-up-her-ass-Miranda than an Ariel or Jasmine any day of the week.

For some time I believed that Disney hated mothers. Why else would they routinely kill them off before the opening credits? They I realized that the mother was just a necessary casualty. Could any of these women have made the horrible life choices they happily did if they'd had a mom to tell them the truth? Absolutely freaking not.

In this series entitled If They'd Had Mothers, we'll explore this further.

If They'd Had Mothers: Jasmine

Princess Jasmine runs into the lavishly decorated sun room where her mother is ordering rubies online. "Mom. I met someone," she squeals.

Jasmine's mother looks up from the screen with pity in her eyes and pats the cashmere cushion beside her, beckoning her young beauty to have a seat. "Your father told me."

With her hands clasped together excitedly, Jasmine sighs deeply before continuing, "I think we're in love...".

"You're in love with a homeless man who lives in an alley with his pet monkey?" She shakes her head.

Hot anger pumps through Jasmine's veins as she jumps up. "You never take anything I do seriously!"

"What have you done? You were sent home from boarding school for insolence, the tiger you insisted on having has killed three of our best servants...you think being a rich hottie of a Middle Eastern girl with an attitude makes you special? Visit the San Fernando Valley. Dime a dozen, honey. You need to work on the inside." With that she touches Jasmine's heart.

Jasmine bats her mother's hand away. "You don't know anything. He writes me music. We rode his magic carpet."

"You got high and sang a duet, big deal. I hope you were smart enough to use protection when you had sex in his rooftop shack because you probably have crabs now. Congratulations. Look, if you really want to play Barbarian Roulette with your inheritance and live with his mother, baby's mama, and four kids in your wing of the palace, that's up to you."

Suddenly the young woman is speechless.

Her mom continues, "That's right. I did some research. Homebody hasn't been straight up."

"But the genie said...".

"Genies lie, darling. But mother's don't. I love you and want to see you make something of your life."

"Aladdin said I could trust him..."

"First of all, his real name is Mubarak. Second, you've known him for a weekend. Get a grip."

Jasmine sinks down onto the couch. Big, hot tears begin to slide down her face making a puddle on her light blue transparent Hammer pants. She blows her nose into the hair of a waiting slave girl. "OK, what now?"

"First, we'll have him killed. Make an example. Then we get you the morning after pill."

Jasmine nods.

"Then, first thing tomorrow we're meeting with an academic counselor. No daughter of mine is going to grow up to be some crazy man's harem dummy/"goddess."

Jasmine throws her arms around her mother and they embrace. "Thanks mommy."

"Anything for you. By the way, we had Rajah put down last night."

Next: "If They'd Had Mothers: Ariel"