Questions for Those Who Think I'm Going to Hell

02/17/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Will it be hot? How hot? Is it the type of heat which brings on a steady, blanketed headache? I hope not, because those are my least favorite headaches. (I suppose now that I've disclosed this, Hell will most certainly feature heat which brings on a steady, blanketed headache.)

Will everyone in Hell know why I am in Hell? I ask this because--well, I've gathered that in prison, criminals guilty of sex crimes are "celebrated" by inmates and tend to be the focus of unwanted attention. Unwanted for most, I should say. Regardless, it would benefit me greatly to familiarize myself with those rarely-discussed, yet universally-agreed-upon sets of Hell's unwritten rules.

Can you classify the exact shade of red in Hell? Is it burgundy or cardinal or crimson? Fire engine red? Magenta? More of a maroon? Or is it just red. Rose? Ruby? Rust? Scarlet? (Will I still be able to Google "shades of red" in Hell?)

You speak of this place with such fervor and certainty, yet you refuse to include illustrative adjectives when describing it. You need to clarify "eternal damnation." In fact, stop using that term altogether. It's unspecific and a fucking cop out. It's a holy man's euphemism for that which he'd rather not consider when considering a friend. I don't blame him. It's unpleasant to inform someone that he or she will live forever in a really fucking hot, unsafe, red (or burgundy-red) prison cell.

When you talk to your kid - when you lay out the standard-issue "do this or end up there" policy--tell him exactly where he's going to end up if he does "do this" (or "doesn't do this," whatever the case may be.) Because, at the moment, he's inventing the very worst place he can imagine and you are allowing him to believe in this place with his whole heart.

You're terrifying lots of people with this Hell shit. So please, at least be more specific. Consult a thesaurus. Then come sit down with me. Look me in the eye and let me know precisely what I'm in for.

Then I'll buy you a beer and tell you a joke.