Sarah Palin, the Average American

01/28/2009 01:06 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dear Sarah,

I believe that you are in touch with The Average American Family of which you speak. I'm quite certain that you connect with the white, white, orange-slice bringin', church-never-missin', "doggone" sayin', soccerhockeyfootballmomn' moms and dads, and their moms and dads. I believe you spoke directly to this Average American Family last night, and I believe they had an extra slice of apple pie in celebration of your apparent victory.

I do not, however, believe in The Average American Family of which you speak.

The Average American Family of which you speak is unimpressive and misguided and lacks nuance. And the most unimpressive, misguided, nuance-lacking Americans are going to vote for you.

Luckily for you (and the patent-holders for the "grab a stuffed animal with a metal claw" game) there is an extraordinary amount of Average Americans.

America, these days, is Average.

You are wrong, Ms. Palin. The Average American Family is not the finest family in the world. It is not the healthiest or the wealthiest and it is certainly not the wisest. All of those families live in Europe. The Average American Family is not the bravest. The bravest families live in Africa. The Average American Family does not work the hardest and it does not make the best things. The Average Family does not make things anymore.

The Average American in these families does not accept difference or variation, and is largely uninterested in states that are not his or her own, and are entirely unaware of countries that are not the United States of America.

The Average American (62%) believes in Noah's Ark, and believes in Noah's Ark literally. (The Average American believes a man rounded up exactly one married couple of every known and unknown species, guided them onto a boat, and saved them from immanent drowning.) The Average American believes this, literally.

If you think I am being un-American or un-Troop Supportin', or un Christian-like, then goddammit - not "goshdarnit" or "doggonit" or "heckit to heavens" - goddammit, fuck it. I am.

I will admit: I am from the North East, I went to an Ivy League school, I am a homosexual, I have been to Europe. I am a "liberal elite" - by your definition.

But there are many, many other liberal elites by MY definition. Elite because they think, and know, and learn and respect, unconditionally, everyone around them. Elite because they allow this thinking and knowing and respecting to alter, on a daily basis, the way they view the world.

You do not. The Average American Family of which you speak does not.

Last night, you told me, once again, that I'm not good enough to get married. Senator Biden said the same thing. In that instance, you were both appeasing this Average American Family. That was an incredibly Average thing to say to me.

Last night, when asked how you would attempt to heal the devastating wounds of fierce bipartisanship which has crippled this country, you responded by saying: own family, it's a very diverse family. And we have folks of all political persuasion in there, also, so I've grown up just knowing that, you know, at the end of the day, as long as we're all working together for the greater good, it's going to be OK.

Ms. Palin, your relationship with your family is not relevant here, and it is not doing any greater good. Your credentials as a good mom and wife are no more relevant than President Clinton's or President Kennedy's reputation for being adulterers.

What does matter is competence, worldliness, and experience - three adjectives that will never, ever modify your name.

Some time, in the not-so-distant past, The Average American voter stopped voting for the exceptional and began voting for the that candidate who most reminded him or her of himself or herself.

You are that candidate, Ms. Palin. You are average and unimpressive. And if enough Average Americans vote for you, America will continue to be average and unimpressive.

Give a press conference.

Dissatisfied in and embarrassed for you,
C. Brian Smith