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Candace Walsh

Candace Walsh

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Making the L-Word Real After the Big D

Posted: 02/ 5/11 12:08 PM ET

"If only I were a lesbian!"

Ever since my teenage years, I remember the refrain. Maybe a female friend got dissed at the junior high dance by the boy she had a crush on. Maybe he liked another girl instead of her--the one with metallic blue eyeliner and foxy spiral perm.

Or maybe a bunch of us, in college, spent hours getting ourselves dolled up to go to an off-campus party, only to find all the guys there engaged in a "dumbass" competition, which involved taking turns dancing around with a plunger, lighting their farts on fire, and prank-calling the local Chinese restaurant.

The last straw could be something as absolutely cliché as driving around, lost, while your boyfriend or husband refuses to stop and ask for directions. Or noticing that you, not your husband, change the poopy diapers. Every single one of them.

"I wish I were a lesbian."

Imagine men of any age saying, "Dude, I wish I were into other guys. Becky just told me that she can't come to the football game, again, because she has to wash her hair."

Inconceivable. But women go there. Especially when a relationship ends.

Ah, yes...Calgon, take me away from this brute hetero world, and plop me into a hot tub with awesome...women. Women are so thoughtful and sensitive. Women will rub your feet and listen to you talk about your childhood without their eyes glazing over. Women will make you a cup of hot chai and sit next to you on the porch swing, wearing chunky cable-knit sweaters and warm, understanding, empathetic smiles. And they don't mind stopping to ask for directions. If only you could get down with the va-jay-jay, you'd be so golden!

Many women are just really, really straight. More than one woman has seen fit to share some variation of the following with me, since my own transition: "Women are beautiful and sexy, and I enjoy feminine energy, but nothing beats getting down and dirty with my man's junk." That's so awesome! Could you please pass the salt?

But many other formerly hetero-identified women do jump the fence and partner with women, as I share in my anthology, Dear John, I Love Jane.

They happen to be sexually fluid. That means that they can spend the first 25, 30, 40, 50 years of their lives identifying as straight. They aren't bi, or closeted. But bam...one day they meet a woman and have hot sexy feelings about her. Or maybe they have a wonderful, close friend, and something shifts; a sexual dimension enters the relationship and they fall in love and/or lust.

This often happens as a woman's hetero relationship is winding down, or when a woman is already divorced. When everything you took for granted has gone up in smoke, it's a lot easier to imagine new possibilities and see where they lead.

It happened to me. I did some same-sex experimenting in college, but nothing lasting came of it. I dated men in my twenties and happily settled down with the man who became my husband. But seven years later, when we both admitted that our marriage was over, I was ready to really explore being with a woman. I put my profile on match.com, clicked "woman seeking women" and began to go to women's dances and events. A year later, I met my partner, Laura, and I've never looked back.

And so let me take a stab at separating myth from reality.

I'm going to tell you the ways that being a lesbian totally rocks, and also address some fantasies you might have about why being with a woman would be so much better than being with a man.

5 ways being in a relationship with a woman is, in fact, preferable

Aesthetics: as many Old Masters have noticed, women's bodies are beautiful. Their skin is soft and opalescent. Their breasts and hips are curvy and alluring. For the most part, they are not hairy, sinewy, or wiry. And they have been socialized not to wantonly stink up the joint after eating one too many jalapeno poppers.

Cleaning/living together: Women tend to be cooperative. They aren't aping a "man against the world" paradigm. They take turns, and team up, to get various unpleasant jobs done, so that they can don their cable-knit sweaters and get back on the porch swing and drink steaming chai. Or get it on.

Cuddling: women love to cuddle, but men tend to think that cuddling should always lead to sex. There's something lovely about cuddling for cuddling's sake. That's why marriage counselors advocate non-sexual touching sessions for embattled hetero couples. "Just cuddle for a half hour a day with no expectations." Women actually really appreciate the warm and fuzzy without the rude and sweaty. News Flash: it actually paves the way to more rude and sweaty.

Versatility: Sometimes I do lots of laundry and pull lots of weeds. Sometimes my partner vacuums and mops and also cooks us enchiladas for dinner, after she re-jiggers the lighting system in the garage. We can flow into different roles, because we're not constantly negotiating our actions in relation to conventional gender roles. They are a really hard thing to shrug off.

Sex: Imagine sex without that inescapable timeline. You know, the one that has to do with the man's erection, how long he can sustain it, if you can climax before him, and then...lights out.

I know, this is a very reductive scenario. Lots of men are like Sting. They don't orgasm for hours...it's awesome...it's all about your pleasure. But for the rest of you who do resonate with this description, it's really wonderful to have long, open-ended, languorous sex. Instead of the orgasm being like a period at the end of a sentence, the sentence itself is a run-on, and the orgasms are commas. Not that we can't have quickies. We can do that, too.

5 Myths About Lesbian Relationships

Myth #1. Women are so much safer than men.

During my first year of dating women, I got completely blown off after spending the night with a woman I really liked. No phone call, no email. Crickets. It was classic cad behavior. Women can be cads, too. (Hello, Shane.) That's kind of a big revelation, and it takes a while to digest. By dating women, you are not escaping from the possibility of being jilted, or to put it bluntly, used. Especially in the beginning, you have to be as watchful as you would be at the beginning of any dating relationship. Guard your heart.

Myth #2. It would be so much easier to be with a woman.

I do think that the everyday, daily experience of being with a woman is easier. But it's not "easy" to actually meet and get into relationships with women. There aren't as many queer, available women as there are straight, available men. And when you meet them, you still have to click in the areas of chemistry, values, tastes, compatibility...it's a tall order. Plus, the rules are different.

Straight-identified women have spent their whole lives being groomed to be the re-active ones in a dating scenario. In general, men hit on women, call women, pursue women. We might do lots of subtle stuff to encourage the guys we like, but generally it's expected that men will make the first move.

When you're looking for a relationship with a woman, passivity is not an option. You have to be an equal participant in the getting-it-started. I actually loved this part. It was always so frustrating for me not to be the one who courted the boys I used to like. So, it was a lot of fun for me to be emboldened to approach other women. It's very empowering to woo someone. And sure, it's disheartening to be rejected, but that's part of putting yourself out there.

Myth #3 Men are such icky slobs, and women are so clean and tidy.

Um. I wish. Why do I wish? Because I am a little bit of a slob. My ex-husband was very tidy. My partner, Laura is also a little bit messy. The woman I dated before Laura was organized-tidy...but her whole house had a sort of filmy haze over everything. I don't think she knew how to deep-clean. And she was a slob in other kinds of ways you'd expect from a guy: she didn't close the door while going to the bathroom, she hocked and spat out of her car window. If she could have peed on the seat, she would have. Ew! I was horrified. So I'm sorry, it really depends.

Myth #4 You wouldn't get pestered for sex.

Men often have stronger sex drives than their wives or girlfriends. This leads to a dynamic that can be no fun. You don't want to feel like you're a witholding, frigid wretch, but there's also something beautiful about having sex when you uncomplicatedly want to. Not because he wants to, or because it's been x many days since the last time.

Well, all that is true, but let me tell you this: it's really weird to be in that guy's shoes--as the one who wants more sex than your partner does. Women's desires are more chimerical than men's. There will come a day when you want to, and your girlfriend does not. When I was in relationships with men, that never happened. They were always up for sex. Even when they were tired, or had a headache, or a bad day, or a good day, or felt energetic, or had a pulse.

It was kind of a gift to go through that experience as a woman, because it gave me compassion for men. I understood how my they felt--cut off from the most amazing ecstatic experience, while only being inches away. It forced me to confront what I needed. Did I need to feel desired, irresistible? Did I need to feel intimate, loved? Did I need to affirm the sexy part of our relationship, because it was starting to feel too platonic? What exactly did I need, and what did I need to ask for? I had to ask. I had to show up. I never had to go to those places when sex was always available at a moment's notice.

#5 Men are commitment-phobic. Women aren't--and that's preferable.

Sure, men are cagey about settling down, and women tend to bond much more speedily. Hence the jokes about lesbians bringing U-Hauls on their second dates. But as someone who rushed into a relationship with her former husband, and waited 2.5 years to move in with her female partner, I have some insights to share.

Be wary of the person who wants to move in after two dates. Why is this person in such a rush? Are they worried that if you get to know them more thoroughly, you'll be turned off, after you find out that they have a huge stash of furry porn videos, or an addiction, a rage problem, or talk to their mom three times a day?

You also need to know how this Mr. or Ms. Right responds to the miserable curve balls life throws their way before you're fully cohabiting. It's such a drag to have to kick someone out of your abode because they committed a relationship deal-breaker. It's even more of a drag to move out because you're not on the lease. Commitment-phobia is unpleasant, but not as unpleasant as having to take five giant steps backwards because you assumed too much about the goodness and compatibility of your sweetie.

There's a middle ground, and whether you decide men truly do it for you, or women do, you're going to have to define what feels healthiest.

So take a moment to check in and notice whether you're fantasizing about an escape from the annoying elements of any relationship, or if you truly have the hots for sweet Sapphic action. Relationships are work, and switching teams is not a short cut to relationship bliss. Maturity is.

 
 
 

Follow Candace Walsh on Twitter: www.twitter.com/candacewalsh

"If only I were a lesbian!" Ever since my teenage years, I remember the refrain. Maybe a female friend got dissed at the junior high dance by the boy she had a crush on. Maybe he liked another girl ...
"If only I were a lesbian!" Ever since my teenage years, I remember the refrain. Maybe a female friend got dissed at the junior high dance by the boy she had a crush on. Maybe he liked another girl ...
 
 
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12:16 PM on 02/10/2011
Everyone who wants to gain a better understanding of some of the issues being discussed here should read this important blog from Meadow Braun; it's relevant to the discussion happening here, and beautifully written! http://whitegirlblackface.com/2011/02/09/sex-loss-pleasure-and-my-categorical-resistance-to-categories/
10:37 PM on 02/09/2011
I really loved this article. OK, maybe love is a strong word. But I appreciated it on a very high level. I am currently married. And I'm gay. It is on it's way to being over but it's not at this point. I know, I'm totally the bad guy. I'm still dealing with the fact.

I have zero intentions on jumping into anything right away. I just want to be single. For a long while. But I felt some comfort in this article. Even if there were some generalizations I didn't agree with. But that's OK. That's why they're generalizations.

At any rate, I was just glad to have found this post.
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Candace Walsh
editor of Seal Press anthologies Dear John, I Love
01:42 PM on 02/11/2011
Thanks! What a great reply. Good luck with your journey.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
PCL07
educate, don't berate
05:00 PM on 02/09/2011
Thanks for the post. Doubt any women will read it in certain parts of the country, though. However, at least it's visible instead of in the back of a Ms. magazine!!!
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Souris9
Academic librarian
12:40 PM on 03/04/2011
Huh? Certain parts of what country? What does that even mean?
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
PCL07
educate, don't berate
02:03 PM on 03/04/2011
I went to a city where I met a woman who was not allowed to speak until her husband said she could. In America.

Does that help clarify?
01:57 PM on 02/09/2011
There is anger towards men in your words, Candace. So what happened? Was it too much competition? Was it abuse? Did he talk down to you?

One of my girlfriends went that way too. She was my second favorite of all my 28 girlfriends. I still love her. Heck, I'd marry her tomorrow. I could care less if she went on a rendezvous now and then.
No, I won't go throwing verbal jabs at the opposite sex even though it's never worked. Why? In my case it was abuse. I love all of you, despite our differences.

Like men fall asleep after sex - women fall asleep regarding the relationship after the children are born. So yes, we both have our faults.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
persuter
05:27 PM on 02/09/2011
"There is anger towards men in your words, Candace."

:rolleyes: Is this supposed to be a joke? There is nothing in her article that could possibly be construed as anger towards men.
09:49 PM on 02/09/2011
...and the way to disspell a myth is to state the given.

Hmmm.
This comment has been removed due to violations of our [Guidelines]
01:56 PM on 02/08/2011
Being a guy, I'm in no position to comment on the "lesbian myths" -- but the "5 ways being in a relationship with a woman is preferable" is a collection of every simple-minded cliche about men and sex. Hell, if heterosexual lovemaking was indeed that loveless, I'D be a lesbian. Given the author's feelings about sleeping with men and certain details of her autobiography -- same-sex experimenting in college, rushing into a relationship with her eventual husband -- there's an obvious implication that for some reason Ms. Walsh doesn't discuss: the possibility that her divorce wasn't simply followed by a desire to be with women, but rather her desire to be with women was the cause of the divorce. The article carries with it the implication that sexual orientation is a matter of choice -- an idea mostly embraced by homophobes. What seems more likely in Ms. Walsh's case is that she was always gay but it took her some time -- and a marriage -- to accept it.
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Ian Faus
05:32 AM on 02/09/2011
Just because a concept is embraced by homophobes doesn't diminish the concept. There is till date no conclusive study the shows the contrary to be fact. Also, just because homophobes use such a ceoncept to ply their bigotry doesn't mean that entertaining this concept implies bigotry.
11:53 AM on 02/09/2011
There was no bigotry in his post. He was merely pointing out a question many of us had. Did her sexual orientation cause her marriage to end? If one is never happy being in a heterosexual relationship at some point your unhappiness will shine through.
12:36 PM on 02/09/2011
I'd say its more likely she was MOSTLY gay. Gay vs. Straight is hardly EVER an all or nothing proposition. And, you're right, the article is full of cliche and oft-repeated myths about men vs. women.

I loved the insulting assertations that "men don't fantasize about men, but women fantasize about women". Right. Doesn't happen. Gay and bisexual men are a myth. Straight men never think about being gay as an alternative.

Men aren't asthetically appealing. Right, hetrosexual women and gay men must be f'ed in the head or something? Maybe your personal experience doesn't represent the entirety of the human experience. Just because you were married to a man who likes women, and you like women, doesn't mean it's the preference for every human. Sometimes I forget there's no class you have to take to get gay-certified.

I don't know, though. It's kind of interesting for me in a "Through the Looking Glass" sort of way, to see how insulting myths like this are, when applied to heterosexuality. In fact, I'm just going to assume that this was the author's intent. This is satire.
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RoughCollie
Destination: A new way of seeing things.
01:53 PM on 02/08/2011
Perhaps most people would agree that the largest percentage of gays do not have a choice about their sexuality. It is encoded in their DNA to become their burden or their joy. Then there's the rest who can make choices about their sexuality. Some, questioning suspicious motives, wonder why while others, not questioning anything, wonder why not? Maybe there's a different question that could be asked.

Multiple studies reveal that life expectancy is lengthened and overall health is enhanced when people are in long-term stable relationships as they age. So why shouldn't a healthy, intelligent woman, finding herself alone in her forties, fifties, sixties and beyond - that time of life when available men become fewer (because they're either married, gay, dead or dying to cavort with a young girl) and the percentage of single women is becoming greater - shift her sexual focus to allow herself the opportunity to seek out that stable, health enhancing lifestyle with another woman?

Perhaps a woman's midlife motto should become: "No man? No problem! Live Long, Live Strong, Love a Woman!"
12:46 PM on 02/09/2011
The term for people who "have a choice" is "bisexual", and, they do, in fact, represent a considerable portion of the populace. And, of course, there IS NO REASON why anyone shouldn't be allowed to partner with anyone they choose, irregardless of their previous choices.

In fact, fundamentally, anyone who professes that there is a "choice" in regards to one's sexual orientation is admitting that they are either bisexual, or practicing an exercise in cognative dissonance. They must, fundamentally, believe that they COULD be gay, or straight, if they wanted to. One who was truly heterosexual or homosexual could not believe this.
12:54 PM on 02/10/2011
In Michael Kimmel's (phd Harvard) book "The Gendered Society: His take on the research is that men want to believe that homosexuality is a product of nature alone and women are more likely to perceive it as a choice. Basically men want an excuse. For women they want to be free from dependence on a man.

You've probably just accepted all those things fed to you by those Rich, White Men who want to keep everyone else down...
12:43 PM on 02/08/2011
This is for the commenters who seem surprised that a "straight" woman can suddenly switch teams. As a thirtysomething bisexual woman, I'll say this: it's a hell of a lot easier to be straight in this society than it is to be gay. I'm finally getting to the point where I can contemplate being public about a relationship with a woman, but it's taken a very long time for me to overcome my sensitivity to society's expectations. I would imagine that a lot of women my age and older have the exact same experience, and that's why you find women "suddenly" after dating men, or marrying, coming out about their same-sex attractions. It's a question of maturity and being comfortable in your own skin, and a lot of women don't get there until they've been "adults" for a while. The last sentence applies to women who start out with other women and then go on to date men, too.

Frankly, I'm kind of annoyed at the insistence - so strong in American culture - that we *must* pick teams, declare our allegiance (ideally, to one person), and never waver. That doesn't feel like the natural order to me.
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boycottrightwingthings
END WAR on women vote Dem 2014!
11:25 AM on 02/09/2011
As a fellow bisexual woman, I have to F andf F you... : )
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Ian Faus
03:53 PM on 02/09/2011
What is "natural order" ? Nature is Chaos ! And yes America likes to pigeonhole people into neat little categories. When you are as the author here calls it "fluid" people on both sides of the divide seem aghast at your wanton "experimentation" Ironically the gay community is equally judgmental though they won't admit to it readily.
12:00 PM on 02/08/2011
As a divorced guy, I have a whole new perspective on "commitment phobia", as it relates to marriage. It turns out marriage is incredibly risky for men, both financially and in terms of their relationship with any children that come out of the marriage. I think any man who is not "commitment-phobic" does not understand the risks involved!
01:25 AM on 02/09/2011
im not commitment-phobic because I don't belive in marriage. Im also not homophobic because i don't fear gays, i just don't like them
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
bushitbrain
11:36 AM on 02/08/2011
When will people WakeUp ? MEN are not the same as WOMEN !
In physics, Nature at its primal core exhibits A Broken Symmetry.
Most Women are Naturally Bisexual; Most Men are not.
Their Bi nature is 99% accepted in our culture, yet for some reason we brand it `Lesbian', which it is not. In a culture which shuns words with more than TWO syllables, you'd think that `Bi' would rule, but no. We sacrifice accuracy, & truncate the former to `Lez', perpetuating a sexual stereotype.
12:49 PM on 02/09/2011
Glad you could bring some hard science to this discussion. You're right, the chromasomal differences between men and women do make them "naturally" bisexual, but men are not... except that they are, and you're apparently unaware of that.

Well, worry no longer. Men are the bisexual equals of women, in every way. Huzzah!
11:18 AM on 02/08/2011
I have found a lot of gay women hold a strong bias against women who are also attracted to men. Just peruse Craigslist's personals under w4w and count the number of women who list "no bisexuals" right alongside "disease-free", as if liking a man was on par with herpes.

P.S. nongrata is a free login on bugmenot, so I am NOT the same jerk as the person who made the murder analogy.
This comment has been removed due to violations of our [Guidelines]
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PatriceFitz
writer and singer
09:07 AM on 02/08/2011
I can think of at least two cases of women who have gone "back" to men. One was married to a man for perhaps 15 years, lived with a woman for 3 or 4 years, and then married a second man. The other is the famous example of singer and social activist Holly Near, who was well-known as a lesbian for decades, and is now married to a man.

And then there's Ann Heche, who was hetero, homo, hetero... in a very public way.
11:17 AM on 02/08/2011
Women have a very flexible sexuality
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
LeBelAge
08:30 AM on 02/08/2011
I'm openly gay. I have been out for 20 years and have never been attracted to men. I have no problem with bisexuality, people being attracted to both genders. I could understand a woman being attracted to other women or being sexual with women on occasion, yet still having long term relationships with men. If one day a bisexual woman decides to have a long term relationship with a woman it wouldn't come as a shock. Having bisexual friends I know these are logical options.

However, I do have a hard time fathoming a person suddenly being attracted to the same sex after decades of never feeling anything before. I would define that person as having latent desires, never allowing those desires to be acknowledged, until the opportunity presented itself.

The argument being made here unintentionally makes homosexuality seem like a choice. As if there is some kind invisible on/off switch, that can be triggered with the right environmental circumstances. This type of argument can be used to rationalize the ex-gay movement. For many of us its not a choice. Its hardwired. I've been attracted to the same sex since pre-school.

I realize Ms. Walsh has no intention of hurting the gay community, but I felt the need to point out how her argument could be used against us. I hope I don't sound like a jerk for pointing this out.
09:49 AM on 02/08/2011
the feeling may not be a choice but the action is. if a society deems gay is illegal then it doesn't matter if they are born that way. gay isn't illegal in the USA any more which is why i can't comprehend the LGBT protest
09:57 AM on 02/08/2011
You don't think the fact that LGBT people don't have equal rights warrants protest?
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LiveMind
Emancipate yourself from mental slavery
10:44 AM on 02/09/2011
if it were made illegal for you to have sexual relations with the opposite gender, would you mutely go along or would you feel an injustice was being done & protest it? You either aren't thinking or you you don't care about being just to others.
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lisalulu
I stand for Planned Parenthood.
10:04 AM on 02/08/2011
I did not get that it was a on/off choice from the article - but I understand your concern. I just responded above about the "choice" argument.

I don't care what people think: we know for many like you it is hard wired; for those with latent or fluid sexuality - that too is part of the human condition. There are always going to be bigots out there that don't care whether its a choice or not - on the flip side - I don't care why - I just care that people are treated with respect and dignity - for love is love. Gender is not relevant to me.
04:42 AM on 02/08/2011
Sounds a bit strange to me. It really looks like a late discovery of her real sex-orientation and coming out rather than any kind of "sexual fluidity".
The point is, I just took a look on amazon at "dear john i like jenny" and all women presented look like they were married to men, suddently changed their mind and are now with women. Which is their absolute right and great for them if they are happier this way. But the point is, if this theory about a so-called "fluidity" of women's sexuality was true, there should be self-identified lesbians who suddently come around after a entire life with women and decided to be with men. Or those straight-women who are suddently gay should sometimes go back to men.
As long as this "fluidity" goes only one way, it doesn't look like fluidity, it looks like discovering you're gay. Don't take it badly, it's just that I don't buy the "fluidity" theory. Real bisex people are excedingly rare, and most of people definitely swing one way much more than the other.
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Candace Walsh
editor of Seal Press anthologies Dear John, I Love
06:05 AM on 02/08/2011
Sexual fluidity DOES go both ways. It's documented in the book, Sexual Fluidity, by Dr. Lisa Diamond. But of course a book named Dear John, I Love Jane would not include essays about women leaving women for men--that would have to be in the book Dear Jane, I Love John.
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lisalulu
I stand for Planned Parenthood.
10:15 AM on 02/08/2011
There are a lot more bi-sexual people out there - but like gay people - conceal this for many obvious reasons. There are also a lot of people who practice polyandry - and bi-sexuality. Attraction is attraction; love is love; gender does not matter.

Hard-wired gay people - are just that.