Man Card. Noun. Two syllables. Meaning, according to the always helpful Urban Dictionary, the "Requirement to be accepted as a respectable member of the male community." To further understand the phenomenon, one can drop by the "Official Man Card" website, where you can see the latest examples of the "lack of manliness" like "buying a prius", "crying", or the ever-ambiguous "being pussy-whipped". The Man Card is seen as something that can be revoked from a man in question at a moment's notice, symbolically stripping him of his male identity in the face of society. Such nullification occurs primarily in situations in which a man behaves in ways that stray from the preconceived notions of what masculinity is. It is evidence of a shameful deviation from the accepted. Pinterest membership, crying in public, watching romance movies, enjoying pedicures - anything perceived as tiptoeing into the realm of "feminine" is blacklisted.
The problem with the Man Card is not the word itself. If you want to use that phrase, go ahead. I'm not here to police language, but I'm writing this as a way to acknowledge the policing of masculinity in our culture. The idea of the Man Card tugs at a far larger problem that plagues boys and men; it is a problem that leaves males trapped within the confines of labels, cornered within a labyrinth of insecurity and disingenuity.
The Man Card is an idea that manifests from the tropes of manhood and gender normative thinking. According to the tropes, a man must be strong, emotionless, tough, and dominating. His interests are limited to rugged pastimes or violent pursuits. As for fashion, dark and monochromatic is key, and under no circumstances shall a man be adorned with pinks or frills.
There are some men who have been able to move beyond the public's scrutiny of the Man Card, such as Dwayne Johnson (aka "The Rock"), who frequently adorns tutus and pink bows in his films. However, Johnson achieves this through a combination of his own security, and public acknowledgment. He's not called The Rock because he's an avid geologist (maybe his is, who knows!), but because the man is solid muscle through and through, or hard as a rock. His masculinity, in the eyes of the world, is unquestionable, therefore allowing him more flexibility in his appearance and behavior. It's awesome to see someone like him be so secure with himself that he'll readily throw on glittery tights, but why isn't the same acceptance given to the Average Joe?
You shouldn't have to have biceps the size of a human baby to be recognized as manly. I want normal guys - my classmates, my cousins, my brother, my friends - to not feel paralyzed in their identity because the world is telling them to be Ken, just as women are told to be Barbie. Though Toy Story 3 fans know even Ken was teased endlessly for his love of fashion and his trendy ascot.
What I find particularly interesting and unsettling is that behaviors that result in the 'revoking' of the Man Card always possess a feminine aspect to them. Our society is structured on a dichotomous relationship between masculinity and femininity. Instead of a venn-diagram, we have two spheres of existence pushed as far apart as possible, never allowed to integrate. Masculinity is seen as exclusive to men, and femininity to women. This leaves little room for people to move beyond such antiquated assumptions of what men and women should be, without even touching on issues such as how these stereotypes affect trans men.
Femininity, along with its stereotyped attributes and behaviors, is perceived as weak, frivolous, and menial. Our destructive idea of masculinity is rooted in the idea that to be a woman is to be inferior, that to act and behave like women is undesirable. Women are given greater freedom to be more stereotypically masculine. We aren't judged when we wear pants. It's seen as cool if we like sports and video games (though there is definitely an assumed incompetence of women in those male-dominated spaces, but that's a whole other topic). We even have a trendy name given if we lean more towards stereotypical male interests - Tomboy. Even women, including myself at times, look down on fellow women who we deem as too "girly".
On the other hand, it has yet to become socially acceptable for men to wear dresses in public. Men are ridiculed for having interests in fashion or baking. When a boy leans more towards stereotypical female interests, he is taunted and teased. Growing up, I remember hearing parents concerned over their sons' interests in princesses, thinking a love for Cinderella would 'turn their son gay'. I remember my aunt teasing my dad over his Pinterest account for baking recipes, saying she had to take his Man Card away because of it. Sibling love of course, yet it pulls at a larger issue.
In order for us to begin breaking down these damaging ideas of masculinity, we as a society have to stop seeing femininity as the weaker end of the dichotomous male-female structure. Instead of two separate arenas of existence, let us reimagine femininity and masculinity. Instead of being either a masculine person or a feminine person, let us see ourselves like a jar of sand art that holds beautiful blends of colors, a fantastic collision of pinks and blues. With the emergence of terms like Gender Fluid, and Trans rights becoming a real social issue in the past few years, this is already happening, but it's not enough.
For those who still feel resistant to my argument because they think I am calling for an end to men, hear me out. I am not saying every man has to like skirts and Pinterest and winged eyeliner. I am not trying to recruit an army of leotard-wearing men - as cool as that would be - but instead asking for us all to give room for men (and women) to move beyond these suffocating boxes we have built around them. I want for men to not feel ashamed if they do like "girly" things, and I would also like for those things to not have to be referred to as "girly", but just as things.
From a young age, we instill a toxic idea of masculinity in our boys. We bar them from the princess dolls and the nail polish; we tell them to 'be a man' to silence their tears. And we do this from an incredibly young age. Studies like this one debunking myths on boy's emotions, and this one on empathy differences between men and women have shown that as infants, boys and girls have equal abilities for empathy, but as they get older and social norms are thrusted upon them, boys don't cultivate their empathy and close relationships like girls do. The desire to be "manly" leads many boys feeling socially isolated, lonely and emotionally stoic. It can lead to future problems with relationships and difficulty coping with emotionally charged situations.
There is no one-fix solution, but we can start whittling away at the problem by opening the conversation on gender roles. Let us stop raising our boys and girls with rules that tell them they must act and present themselves in a certain way because of their birth certificate. When we see men being vulnerable and emotional, we should not dismiss them as weak. When see political conversations talking about the potential emotional fragility of a female politician, we should question such assumptions and their sexist origins. I look forward to a day where masculinity and femininity can be seen as equally valid. A day when a man can have close same-sex friendships without his sexuality being questioned, where both men and women can express themselves emotionally, and where the Man Card is a thing of the past.