I'm sure that some of my more traumatized exes would be surprised to read that headline considering how, um, *cough cough* "unpleasantly" things ended between us, but really, it's true. I think men are great. Men are awesome, and not just when they put the seat down, or rub my feet, or agree with my opinions.
I'm writing this because, unfortunately, I think a lot of men aren't so sure anymore that being a man is great. Which, given the unrealistic expectations society has for men, isn't surprising. I'm talking about how men are simultaneously expected to be pioneering, perfectly-groomed alpha males who, with their bare hands, will chop down a tree and make it into a bed in which they give their partners multiple orgasms, all while being sensitive enough to sing along with One Direction, all the while perfectly roasting a free-range chicken for dinner. Or something. It's confusing. It's like, what do we want and why can't men somehow magically divine it and already do it yesterday, gawd.
Some women out there are rolling their eyes into next week, thinking, "Um, Carlota, didn't you used to be a feminist or something?" Yes, indeed: I am proud to be what Rush fondly called a "feminazi," but we can't really have a world in which women have the ability to use their fullest potential if men aren't part of that equation. I sincerely want to live my truest, most authentic life and I'd like everyone else to do the same, since it really does improve my chances of having a great Friday night date. When people are invested in their lives, as opposed to whatever tedious nonsense went on at the VMAs, people flourish. When people are invested, they give the best of themselves to the world, and oh look: We. All. Win! Also, the sex is much better. #justsaying
What I've noticed among my friends and clients is that the women who are the angriest at men, the women who date the worst train-wrecks, are the women who understand themselves the least. This is not surprising. If you don't understand yourself, if you dislike yourself, if you are essentially a stranger to yourself, how could you ever begin to understand and recognize a good person of the opposite sex and do the heavy lifting necessary to create and maintain a loving, committed relationship?
This is, in some ways, a gross oversimplification, but if you're convinced that you're unlovable, it's kinda sorta extremely difficult to meet a good man. However, it then becomes super easy to meet assholes. Indeed, many of the women who disparage themselves tend to become low-hanging fruit for predators. And the cycle of, "I can change him; I can make him see I'm worth his love. I can make him love me!" begins allll over again. Exhausting. Much better to expend all that energy on learning to love and value yourself, man or woman, so that when good people come along, you recognize each other.
Listen, loving yourself, accepting yourself ain't easy. Truly understanding that despite what anyone (family, friends, advertisers) says, yes, you are worthy of love right now, as you are, is an arduous process. And I'm not going to lie: I myself, about six years ago, following a brutally toxic, War of the Roses-type break-up, went through a period when I was very angry at men. I also was very angry with myself, but it was so much easier to blame any and every other man who wanted to get to know me. How much fun was I to be around?! And then time passed, and I was bored with hating, so I took responsibility and life goes on. I now get to just enjoy men as other people, like myself, just trying to do their best and savor their time on this planet.
My point being, what if instead of blaming each other, and hating ourselves... what if we committed to being the love we most wanted, and doing the work necessary to create the life and love we wanted? Spoiler alert: I'm a big fan of men, because I'm a big fan of people. People like you.
Tell me what you think in the comments, or, if you're feeling shy, email me at carlotazee@gmail.com!
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.