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Carol Hartsell Headshot

Buy a House, Buy a Vote

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How was your Thanksgiving? Did you buy any property during your time off? Well, you should have, because if Tea Party president Judson Phillips had his way (and if the Mayans are right, he will eventually) we'd already be limiting voting rights to only those Americans who own property.

The fact that such a law would render college students, the majority of the population of major metropolitan areas (i.e. gay communist vegetarian renters), as well as pretty much all of the poor ineligible to vote, I'm sure is just a happy side effect.

But you know what this idea really lacks? Balls. You can't just limit voting rights to people who own property under the silly assumption that they have more "invested in the community." Have you ever seen a house? It hardly takes up any room at all. These so called communities have hundreds, maybe even thousands of houses and we're supposed to believe that each individual owner of those houses is invested in anything outside of them? When did the Tea Party get so gullible?

If we've learned anything from Gone With the Wind, other than how awesome the South used to be, it's that the only thing that matters is land. And who has the most land in our communities? WalMart and Starbucks, of course. It stands to reason then that the people who have the most invested in their communities are the general managers of individual WalMarts and Starbucks. Therefore, they are the only ones who should be allowed to vote from now on. And since everyone knows that WalMart is run by the KKK and Starbucks is run by Russia, our political system will be completely fair and balanced.

Strap on a pair, Judson Phillips, and start making some sense... for America.