10/27/2010 05:05 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

It's Only a Matter of Time (We're Already Out of Time)

Communist zombie bears are raiding graves in Russia and don't think they won't strike here as well.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I just command your attention? Well it's about time because I've been screaming about this for years.

First it was, Oh, those adorable polar bears love to drink Coca-Cola when it's cold outside. I always just wanted Coke in the summer when it's refreshing but now I want it year-around because of the polar bears.

Then it was, Oh, those poor pandas can't reproduce quickly enough to save their species because they like eating more than they like having sex. Let's artificially inseminate them and give them Kama Sutras for Christmas. (Like they even have Christmas in Australia or China or wherever those bamboo-huffers live.)

Then it was, Oh, that Bart the Bear was so good in The Bear and The Edge, we should give him an Oscar. (He'd only eat it, you morons. And where's his "I'm retarded now" movie? He's no Sean Penn or Rosie O'Donnell, that's for damn sure.)

And then somehow we got back on the polar bears again because they're too dumb to find food when it's nice outside and they always fall asleep on a piece of ice that any idiot could tell was about to break off, and then it's all, Oh, the polar bears, it's so hot their fur doesn't even look white anymore and they were only able to behead and suck the blood out of two seals today... Whaaaaa...

Well, the chickens have come home to roost people, and this time they're bears. Our constant meddling in the affairs of foreign bears has resulted in the rise of a threat that will be content to terrorize within its own borders for only so long.

In case you've been so busy planning your trip to D.C. this weekend (Oh, exactly which ironic John Kerry t-shirt will you wear) that you've completely lost touch with what's going on in the real world, here's what I'm talking about:

From The Guardian:

"Russian bears have grown so desperate after a scorching summer they have started digging up and eating corpses in municipal cemeteries...."

Ok, The Guardian, sure, it's just because they're hungry and desperate.

Oh, criminy, govnuh, those poor bear bastards, it just knickers me pants to hear they've gone all potty in the tummy. British people are so stupid.

I will say this once. This is all part of the zombie bear apocalypse conspiracy. Why do you think we have Teddy Bears in every room in every house in America? Maybe we should just start giving our children adorable stuffed Iranian nuclear refineries. Same difference.

Russian bears aren't eating corpses because they're starving. They're eating them for practice... they're getting more efficient and knowledgeable on where the important organs are. They're also attempting to identify which part of our brain is most susceptible to communism so they can eat all of the parts but that one. It is happening, people.

What am I saying? It's already happened. You're too late. See you in the bowels of an undead Kodiac who thinks you should split your hard-earned cash with a wellfare mom. Don't say I didn't warn you.