The Huffington Post has acquired the transcript of a secret meeting Trump held with his family to create the greatest show on Earth.
TRUMP: The last Republican convention was the single most boring convention I've ever seen.
IVANKA: Dad, you didn't see the last convention.
TRUMP: So?
IVANKA: We've got Scott Walker on board.
TRUMP: Great! We need Florida.
ERIC TRUMP: Dad, Scott Walker is governor of Wi...
TRUMP: I told you, be quiet.
IVANKA: Rubio says he's too busy to come.
TRUMP: Put out a press release saying Little Marco wasn't invited.
Who else is on the no-fly list?
HOPE HICKS (Trump spokeswoman): The Bushes, Romney, McCain, (Ohio Gov) Kasich and all of Hollywood.
TRUMP: A bunch of losers. Let's get some real stars. How 'bout Pat Boone?
IVANKA: Dad, I think he's dead.
TRUMP: Glen Campbell! He'll appeal to those Republicans.
JARED KUSHNER (Ivanka's husband): Glenn Campbell's got Alzheimer's.
TRUMP: I forgot.
We need tough guys. Get me Wayne Lapierre (of the NRA). Tell him to bring his AR-15. That'll add some excitement!
ERIC TRUMP: But Dad, the Secret Serv...
TRUMP: Eric, speak when I ask you something.
Sean Hannity can be our Master of Ceremonies.
IVANKA: He's a reporter, Dad. I don't know.
TRUMP: (Chuckling) He'll do whatever I tell him to.
DON TRUMP: What about Paul Ryan for authenticity?
TRUMP: Mr. Conservative-Shermative.
DON TRUMP: We'll need women speakers.
TRUMP: Right. We've got Ivanka and Melania, both 10s. We need more?
IVANKA: Dad, I'm concerned about Melania's speech. It's hard for people to understand her. It'd help if her ESL teacher came three times a week.
TRUMP: Sure, but I'm not paying a cent more. Anyway, that's not why people watch Melania.
On the final night, I want everybody on stage: Melania, Ivanka, Donny, Eric and Baron. Color-coordinated.
JARED KUSHNER: Donald, don't forget Tiffany (his daughter with Marla Maples).
TRUMP: I always forget Tiffany.
IVANKA: Dad, what about being inclusive? How about mom and Marla (Trump's first and second wives)?
TRUMP: Your mother looks old.
I gotta have excitement. Get me Kayne West and Kim Kardashian for the first night.
Bobby Knight on the second night.
IVANKA: He says he'll need a chair, Dad.
TRUMP: No chairs and no Clint Eastwood.
On the third night I want to l bring on Bill's Bimbos: Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones
DON TRUMP: Dad, that's too dirty.
TRUMP: Want to see the ratings?
And get me Monica Lewinsky.
DON TRUMP: She endorsed Hillary.
TRUMP: What a bitch. You see what she looks like now?
Get me Sarah (Palin). Tell her to wear something sexy.
IVANKA: Newt and Callista (Newt Gingrich's current wife) are on the line.
TRUMP: Tell them I can't take the call but I love Newt's elephant idea.
(Soto voice) Who wears the pants in that family?
OK, more women. I'll tell Lyin' Ted he has to bring that wife, what's-her-name on stage.
DON TRUMP: But you insulted her, Dad.
TRUMP: So?
HOPE HICKS: What about Carly?
TRUMP: She's a three. I only want good-looking women.
Caitlyn Jenner! She's attractive and she'll sew up the lesbian gay bisexual transgender vote!
IVANKA: But the Republican platform doesn't support transgender rights, Dad.
TRUMP: What do I care about Republicans?
Gotta be inclusive. Ben (Carson) can be my black friend.
Let's put the media on a platform so when I target them and say 'They're horrible people,' you can see them.
Promise me we'll have protesters.
Get ahold of Cirque du Soleil.
HOPE HICKS: They're opposed to your immigration policies.
TRUMP: F--- them. What kind of circus are they anyway? They don't have animals.
Get me the Cleveland Zoo.
HOPE HICKS: It's owned by the state of Ohio. Kasich would never go for it.
TRUMP: F--- Kasich and F--- the Cleveland Zoo.
IVANKA: Dad, Newt's on the line.
Hey Newt, I don't want to listen to your trade policies. That's not what this election is about. It's about me.
Get an elephant delivered to Cleveland and I'll make you VP. And bring a dung pan.
Dad, Chris (Christie) is on the line.
(Trump hangs up on Newt Gingrich and takes the call.)
Chris, come with an elephant and I'll make you my VP. Yeah, I mean it. No, you weigh too much. It's for me to make my grand entrance! See ya buddy. (Trump hangs up.)
Mike Pence would never go for the elephant. He's too straight. Too churchy.
How many more talking slots do we have to fill?
HOPE HICKS: 23.
TRUMP: Who says the convention is four days? We're gonna make ours three.
ERIC TRUMP: You better check that with Reince, Dad.
TRUMP: Wimpy Reincy Priebus? Whose party is it anyway?
OK, folks. We'll meet again tomorrow. Come with ideas.
While everyone remains silent, Trump tweets:
The speaker's slots at the Republican Convention are totally filled, with a long waiting list of those that want to speak. (Trump tweet July 2, 2016)
Carol Pogash is the editor of Quotations from Chairman Trump, in which he's harpooned with his own words. For answers to all your questions, ask the great man himself. Go to www.AskChairmanTrump.com.
