For the budding alcoholic/addict in recovery, relapse is all too often a nanosecond away. Even for the well-seasoned soul who has practiced a clean and sober lifestyle for many years, relapse may be in a deep, dormant sleep but can be aroused with a touch of a feather.
Over a year ago, I wrote a blog entitled "Is Relapse Part of Recovery?" in which I explored the four broad psychological triggers that the recovering alcoholic/addict faces: fear, resentment, expectations and boredom.
In my new book "Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict" I have a chapter entitled "77 Warning Signs of Relapse" (yes, I said 77), and they range from eating irregularly to developing an "I don't care" attitude. But the following six are specific frontrunners that can start the motor revving toward relapse:
- Feelings and emotions are all over the map.
Sobriety can be a very new, often uncertain and even scary state of mind. The alcoholic/addict has been used to living and functioning a certain way. Now, all of that is gone or surely has greatly changed. The difficulty in managing these new feelings, taking it slowly and understanding that the body, mind and emotions are transforming can feel so unstable to the alcoholic/addict that they quickly run out of patience to cope with this and believe that relapse is the only way for them to feel normal again.
- Difficulty living life on life's terms.
Much like the above, the alcoholic/addict in recovery has difficulty living life on life's terms. Normal, daily stressors that the "normie" or healthy one might take in stride can turn into monumental issues of such a catastrophic nature that their coping devices are non-existent or too early in their infancy to deal with the situation at hand. The alcoholic/addict may have difficulty hitting the pause button, stepping back to analyze the circumstances in a calm and clear manner and realizing that an answer or conclusion is easy to obtain and that relapse does not have to be part of the equation. Bailing at the first sign of trouble or turning tail and heading for the hills is all too commonplace for the alcoholic/addict, and therefore relapse is not only their excuse but their answer to the problem.
- The staunch belief that they will never drink again.
When the alcoholic/addict has finally committed to living a clean and sober existence, it is often like a new love affair. I have counseled many clients who spout and pontificate how they have finally realized how important sobriety is. They proudly feel that they have found the key that will halt their drinking forever, and this very cocky nature and ego-driven thinking will almost always be their downfall. The word "humble" is missing from their vocabulary, and they foolishly don't give this powerful disease the respect and caution it deserves, as they believe they are wiser and stronger than their addiction. Whether they adhere to a 12-step recovery program or not, it is the wise folks who started AA many years ago who staunchly state that sobriety can only be successful if taken "one day at a time."
- Irritation or easily angered.
There may be rumblings of a relapse if the alcoholic/addict is quick to anger or more easily irritated than when practicing a clean and sober lifestyle. Your loved one could be lashing out at anyone around him/her for no apparent reason as they find their struggle with sobriety becoming precarious. Their irritation or anger can be the result of being unable or unwilling to seek help and get the situation in check. Sometimes it takes more strength and courage to realize that one may be sinking back into that black hole, admit that they are in trouble, put their ego aside and buck up to ask for help. Anger and irritation can also be mere cover-ups for feeling scared, embarrassed or ashamed. Too many emotions going on at one time may very easily blow the circuit of sobriety, and relapse presents that doorway leading to the comfort of addiction.
- Loss of commitment to their recovery program.
Rarely does the alcoholic/addict become or try to become clean and sober without help. Whether it is the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step recovery program, an outpatient or residential recovery program or individual counseling, it is almost impossible to self-treat years of out-of-control, abusive, addictive behavior. If relapse is knocking at the door of your loved one, they may start to rearrange their sober program and use excuses for not attending AA meetings ("I don't need to go to this meeting, I already went to one this week. Anyway, I don't like the people there"), leaving a residential program early ("This place is not for me. I've gotten everything out of it there is to know"), or quitting private or group counseling ("I don't like my counselor. He/she has no idea what I'm about and can't help me. I'm wasting my money"). True and strong recovery takes years of work and is successful when coupled with an ongoing and consistent clean-and-sober program.
- Hanging out with drinking buddies or visiting old haunts.
There is a saying in the AA community, "If you visit the barber shop often enough, you're bound to get a haircut." If your loved one is starting to hang out with the old gang and visiting sites where his/her addiction was in full bloom, no matter how hard they try, eventually it is more likely than not that they will succumb to their old ways. The alcoholic/addict may justify returning to their old friends by saying that they just want to see them, they miss them and swear that there is no way that they will indulge in any substance abuse behavior. Well, eventually that will wear thin, as it stands to reason that if everyone around you is getting high, what fun are you having being clean and sober? Wanting to belong, glamorizing and missing the good old days can be a very strong pull toward relapse.
So, if you see these symptoms in your loved one start to rear their ugly head, what, if anything, can you do about it? Honestly, very little. Remember that you cannot control whether they decide to enter a clean and sober lifestyle or continue to maintain it. You can certainly state calmly and lovingly that you have noticed a steady change in their demeanor or behavior and that you are concerned, and you are available to talk about it if they wish. If you have established consequences in the event of a relapse, you can certainly remind them of what's at stake if they continue down this possible destructive path.
Please keep in mind that you are not the cause or responsible if there is a relapse. They may try to rope you in or pin it on you in some way, but the bottom line is that their commitment to live a clean and sober life style rests solely and squarely on their shoulders.
If I can be of service, please visit my website, www.familyrecoverysolutions.com, and I invite you to explore my new book "Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict" at www.reclaimyourlifebook.com.
I once dated someone with addictive personality disorder and it wasn't a good experience. Now I won't even date anyone who has it.
The most common shared traits of addictive personality disorder are insecurity and commitment phobia. Not exactly good qualities to look for in a mate, are they?
or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick
abandonment needs. In my case I did a 180, I don't drink, and don't associate with anything "drinking", it's almost an obsession.
The god thing always comes up. I have 24 and change clean I am not a Christian and do not have a concept of god as most people define it. Who cares I'm clean.
a dollar a meeting now down to a couple a week. gee that works out to about 100 dollars a year give or take - that is what i used to spend in a day. At 15 years clean i was approached by someone about a recovery program that didn't include god - they said i should try it, it might work for me. Lets see give up something that has worked for 15 years for something that might work - and you call this rational? All i have is - thank you jimmy k.
Call it what you will; a dependency, a bad habit, a substance abuse issue, et al but the fact remains that someone who can and does moderate their drinking is in a different space than an alcoholic.
7) Cries uncontrollably when recounting the good ol' days and how that past life is a mirror image of what he's become today--gets even more teary-eyed when he states that he's not ashamed of what he's become.
8) Frequents tanning saloons (not a misspelling) so that his skin resembles his favorite drink: Orange Fizz.
9) Takes great pride in being a pathological liar, an unabashed hypocrite and stooge for the well-healed.
I pursued an eastern spirituality practice based on 'mindfulness' meditation and Tai Chi through which I expanded my self-awareness and became self-empowered. I am no longer an alcoholic.
I recently discovered a book titled, "Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction" by Thomas Bien, Ph.D, and Beverly Bien, M.Ed. It actually explained this approach and offered practical exercises that help develop conscious awareness and ways to free oneself from addictions and destructive, unconscious behavior problems.
Will check out the book!
I have been practicing daily mindfulness meditation and Tai Chi for many years now and am very self-aware and aware of the energies around me. I believe now that AA meetings are dangerous emotionally and psychically because you have a group of people all believing and having absolute faith is their sickness. This greatly and exponentially multiplies the negative energies and forces of sickness, addictions, depression, etc. This is why you were depressed when you left.
The aura in such a room is full of dsyfuntional and pathological patterns. It is like being in a room full of people with a highly contagious disease and not wearing a face mask.
Unless you are very strong psychically, emotionally and have a solid spiritual foundation, you will walk out of that room and take a lot of negative stuff with you -embedded in your mind,body/aura that will - at some point - manifest as physical or mental problems like depression, insomnia, strange body aches, arthritis, etc.
I commend you on your path to integrity. I would caution you when you say you are no longer an alcoholic, not to experiment with alcohol. It is not worth it just to prove you are right. Alcohol is unnecessary to those who have truly recovered.
When, through meditation, inner-transformation and self-mastery you no longer wish you could handle your liquor like other people, that is when you are no longer an alcoholic in recovery. When a person on a spiritual path to enlightenment is also taking supreme care of his body and mind through diet, nutrition, and being careful of what they let into their minds through media - they begin to see alcohol as a poison to be avoided.
One of the reasons for relapse is the recovering addict is still attracted to it - still has a love affair with the toxic substance even though they've been sober for decades.
You have to change and transform yourself at a very fundamental level and that transform the they way you see the world. A person like this may be told, "you are no longer an alcoholic and may have occasional drinks safely" - and that person would choose not to have alcohol. He is recovered and empowered.
The plan is to grow up and use your brain. The real problem for the problem drinker is perpetual adolescence in which seeking euphoria is seen has the highest goal of life. Grown-ups live in a real would without euphoria. Just plain old happiness is enough. The issue for the drinker is that it is a choice, it’s done for one reason only, to get high. There are no acceptable excuses for damaging yourself or others with excessive drinking. The constant message for the drinker is, “Drink, don’t think.†The cure is the obverse, “Think, don’t drink:†realize that alcohol a poison for you, and you choose not to take poison.
For a rational method of deciding to live like a thinking adult, without any need for false euphoria, go to www.rationalrecovery.org and let go of AA as the only game in town.
That being said, 4-1/2 years into my new life, all that I can do is recognize how much more I'm enjoying life as a sober dude. All the weird changes that we go through, after about the third year, I started waking up not just thankful for sobriety, but literally feeling an overwhelming sense of joy and of gratitude.
I feel like I've got it beat -- Jeeeezzzzus! it's a danger sign! Oh, yea, and the anger thing? I scream at the screen here in HuffPo in the politics pages ....
Just one more hot mess!
Imagine being bipolar with a side of addictive personality disorder, and BAM you got a drinker, smoker, game addict, gambler etc etc etc. Sometimes frequent alcohol is the self medication and a sign of a much bigger problem that no amount of pills or counceling can help.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/
The Twelve Steps have worked for millions for many decades. I am grateful that today, I am free of the phenomenon of craving thanks to AA and the 12 Steps. Prior to AA, there wasn't much hope for alcoholics. For those whose experience was less than positive, I am reminded of what I've heard in the halls: "some are sicker than others". By knowing what's in the Big Book and the 12x12, it is easier to recognize stronger models of recovery. With AA, you never have to be lonely in recovery, because in sobriety there is one sure thing: relationships with drinking buddies will change!
For family members, Al-Anon can provide great support, especially during the holidays.
The problem is, as I found out slowly over the 9 years I spent in the program, that lots of what is being said is lies.
I quit lying when I quit drinking.
I'll stick with sober with serenity - today - cuz today is all I have - and it ain't half bad.
I been drunk, I been sober; for me, sober is better. :- )
I tried everything to sober up. Most people I know who are sober did everything on their own to stop. None of it worked. Most of it didn't make a bit of sense looking back on it. The twelve steps did work for me. It was the only thing that did.
Anyone who can quit on their own, more power to you.
My life is better doing what I am doing. If you have tried everything and none of it works, if you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, Get help.
I am grateful for my alcoholism. Without it I may have never found peace of mind.
What YOU have is a gift. When I was clean and sober, we used to give a button saying 'most humble man in the room' to the most humble man in the room.
But if he wore it, we took it away from him.