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Caroline Hagood

Caroline Hagood

Posted: June 9, 2010 10:34 AM

Mind-bending, Postmodern Hot:

1. Joseph Heller and Thomas Pynchon

Best Known For: Heller -- Catch 22; Pynchon -- Gravity's Rainbow

What it Would Look Like: This bookish combo would breed such a wealth of mind-bending, absurdly funny, paranoid prose marvels that I wouldn't be surprised if it has already happened in an alternate literary universe, if there is a fiction deity after all.

Crowning Moment: The satire whistles and foghorns of beautifully controlled insanity go off as these two break all the rules of literary convention long into the night.

Disaffected Youth Hot:

2. Marisha Pessl and J.D. Salinger

Best Known For: Pessl -- Special Topics in Calamity Physics; Salinger -- The Catcher in the Rye

What it Would Look Like: This couple would gorge themselves on a pessimistic feast of New York Times-lauded, whip smart first-person narration, and then lick the dripping grease of the policing of phony high school half-wits off their fingers.

Crowning Moment: When their night of love spawns precocious, fast-talking social critic children, old beyond their years, disillusioned with the man and the social machine alike, who later win awards for having the most unusual names.

Labyrinths of the Mind Hot:

3. Jorge Luis Borges and Mark Danielewski

Best Known For: Borges -- Ficciones; Danielewski -- House of Leaves

What it Would Look Like: These two would wander their word-built labyrinths, half mad from living the surreal nightmare of life, until they become twisted together in their mutual mind coils.

Crowning Moment: When they finally manage to extricate themselves, the two geniuses tap-dance down each other's respective cerebral staircases after discovering that the whole world is, in fact, a book.

Magic Realist Hot:

4. Gabriel García Márquez and Isabel Allende

Best Known For: García Márquez -- One Hundred Years of Solitude; Allende -- The House of the Spirits

What it Would Look Like: An amorous, Spanish-language, yet universal, anti-dictatorship tour de force that is both muy inteligente and muy romantico

Crowing Moment: When a wise, magical bird crying penitent tears comes to life in order to tell them the meaning of love.

Maladjusted, Bed-Wetting Hot:

5. Woody Allen and Sarah Silverman

Best Known For: Allen -- Without Feathers; Silverman -- The Bedwetter

What it Would Look Like: Nothing sexual because she's too old for him; but, have no fear, a narcissistically self-deprecating, grappling with Jewish roots, depressive, laugh-a-minute, screwball time that offends everyone equally is had by all.

Crowning Moment: When, out of sheer moxie, he starts whaling on his clarinet while she breaks out into the heartwarming ditty "I Love Chinks!"


Which writers would you like to see get it on?

 

Follow Caroline Hagood on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Caroline_Hagood