This post is part of the "Modern Male Brains & the Young, Powerful Women Who Love Them" series compiled by Dr. Louann Brizendine, neuroscientist and author of the recent book, The Male Brain. The series explores how the next generation of women relates to love while balancing complex, stressful lives.
After years of not actively searching, I have found deep love and happiness with an incredible person. He requires very little prodding to rise above his patriarchal upbringing, is elated that I make more money than he does, and is toying with the idea of taking my last name, just to highlight the absurd gendered nature of this practice. He is my "partner in crime" every day in every way.
Prior to this relationship, I had only ever dated older, "accomplished" men, but I found the love of my life in a brilliant, confident, much younger man. Go figure.
I owe my good fortune of finding such a compatible partner to not settling for a man who hasn't evolved beyond contrived social scripts of what men and women are "supposed to do." I refuse to blindly follow societal conventions that say that women have to get married and procreate. There's just too much data showing that these choices don't make us happy. In fact, happiness levels are the same for couples whether they are married or simply in a long-term relationship, and kids are one of the primary causes of depression in adults. Then there are the obvious points -- that adoption is a great choice given planet over-population, and I don't want to be part of a societal institution (marriage) that involves the state unjustly excluding consenting adults. These "radical" choices have acted like Neanderthal repellent over the years. A litmus test of sorts.
Unfortunately, we don't socialize many men to be truly compatible partners for women who reject their second-class status. We raise our little boys to disdain everything that is "feminine," but then act surprised when they grow up to disrespect women/anything feminine. The idea that women aren't quite full human beings is woven into our societal DNA, and it's very difficult for men and women to recognize and rise above this shoddy upbringing. But life is way too short to be in a relationship where your partner doesn't consider you to be as fully human as he considers himself to be.
Also in today's series: Diana Nguyen and Elizabeth Blackney.
Gender role - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
washingtonpost.com: The Gender Revolution
Knowing she is secure enough in her own right in this way makes me love and respect her that much more.
Hey, it's nice to have someone pull, if not their fair share, an even bigger share of the load.
There is always something either one of us doesn't like to do that the other seems just fine with doing.
I question most women when they tell me that they date only older men. But the next question I have is for women who go searching for only younger men. What is that about?
Personally, I like that my husband and I are contemporaries. We're not exactly the same age but we're close enough that we have quite a bit in common. We share the same cultural touchstones from childhood and adolescence even though we grew up 1400 miles from one another. It gives us a sense of being on the same footing.
We're also intellectual equals, even though we do not have the same amount of schooling. He is a public school teacher and is incredibly well-read. I am an academic and I'm narrowly well-read. My Ph.D. was a focus for me and he supported that. He is an incredible teacher but has always been supportive of my career as the higher salary earner and all that entails.
We entered this relationship as partners. Part of that was acknowledging that each came with a past, a present, and a future. That meant we both had names. On our first date he said, "If I ever marry, I can't imagine asking my wife to change her name". He got a second date.
Relationships are best when they are about equality.
I am very good with home improvement projects and woodworking. If it can be nailed, screwed, or glued, I am the woman with the tools. I have just about every power tool known to womankind. If I don't have it, they don't make it. My sweet husband would rather clean the house from top to bottom than change out the fan in the bathroom or lay tile. I, on the other hand, am in my element.
These are not gendered skills. I learned some of my skills from my mom but most on my own. My husband just likes to have everything neat and clean and learned how to adapt to be that way. I have AD/HD; there's no way I'm going to ever be good at organizing laundry. My husband's skills are better suited.
Bottom line: go with your strengths and quit assigning gender roles. All sorts of people do all sorts of work in this world. Dads are good nurturers and moms can be CEOs. Let it go!
We have opened up a bit, but still tried to maintain the "traditional" gender roles in society. So "women" are still caretakers and "men" are still bread winners and the roles of our grandparents should still fit today.
They do not, but some people still want them to fit.
the only good thing is that it appears that gender categories do not matter as much to most people in general, though some specific roles are highly relied upon for grouping ("gay"/"queer" is used very often as an attempt to ease associations).
Why on earth should any man conform to any of this? My dad didn't! My husband doesn't! I am certainly no Suzy homemaker and don't intend to ever be.
But I must admit that I feel the pressure sometimes. I love my MIL dearly but she's always been a stay-at-home mom. Once she came down to our home and she showed me how to get the calcium deposits clean from around my sink. I was at first mortified that we had calcium deposits and then finally I realized that she wasn't doing it to offend at all. This was her world and it was simply how she could use her knowledge to help mine! So -- I went and got her son (the guy who cleans the sinks) and thanked her for showing me and asked her to show him too. She laughed and showed him. Now he knows how to get that stuff off the sink.
Does this make me a bad wife or him a girlie man?
Why do most people get divorced? Inability to let go of frustrations that build up. Years of pent up anger. Women who say husbands never helped.
Partnerships are built upon equality. Get over the cowboy and do your fair share.
Happily Married
My fiance and I don't fit the classical gender roles... he loves to shop, I'm not a fan. He takes twice as long to get ready as I do. He owns more clothes than I do (though that may be job related... he works in suits and I work in scrubs). While he can do handy work, he would much rather do something else while I do it since I enjoy it. I make more money than he. We share the cooking/cleaning duties equally because we both enjoy cooking and hate cleaning it up.
I do have some traditional 'girly' qualities like my love for ballet and musical theater and he has some traditional 'manly' qualities such as loving cars (though I love them too). People are often remarking that we don't fit gender norms but what does it really matter? We are happy, we enjoy who we are and who the other is. If it works for us, who cares if it is the norm.
Something I think people don't realize is that gender roles are societal, not actually set by your gender.
I happen to have a guy who is very "masculine" in many ways. He was a swimmer back in college and is still in really good shape, works out every day, etc. At the same time, he's incredibly nurturing and supportive and in some ways very fragile (at least that's the way I see him). I'm not sure that anyone else sees that fragility. Men hide that pretty well because they are socialized to not show those emotions. So, my husband is often perceived as quiet by certain types of people. He's not at all quiet when one gets to know him. He seem vulnerable to me because he takes words and actions seriously. He doesn't use words to hurt people. He's careful with his communication. He's never said anything callously to me. So, I have to consciously shut my mouth and simply "be" with him. If I don't, I miss a great deal. I talk too much.
I'm the one who had the emotional/physical battlefield of an early life. I have the scars to prove it too (abuse, illness, etc). But I have survived and thrived; I just have that kind of optimistic personality.
I still see my husband as this precious flower that I want to protect and nourish. He is my partner, my best friend, my love, and my equal but I still want to protect him. How's that for reversal of gender roles?
But I'll bet you anything he'd feel the same way...
www.gaynycdad.com
And now, as evidenced by this author, there is a generation of men raised to be the “gay best friend” who cannot attract the attention of anyone their own age. Which works out really well for older women who weren’t able to hold down a relationship in favor of their careers (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Because now these young men with overly feminine qualities and please-mommy-first attitudes are the perfect companions for middle-aged women who’ve grown to dislike men, but can’t commit to lesbianism.
I can't wait for the day when I can hang out at home...do a little laundry...watch a little Oprah (well, not Oprah, that's mindless drivel, but NHL Powerplay with Scott Laughlin is on at 4)...make a little dinner...and call it a day.
Of course, when you get home from work, it's your turn to do "your share."
Well...the biggest scam going by the "matriarchy" is to emasculate men who care for kids, etc and then talk about how it's such a demanding life.
You are 100% right. It's the easiest AND most rewarding job in the world.
Men. Open your eyes.
Let them have the boardroom...we can have the couch for ourselves.
Muscle is out, strength is out, aggression is out, testosterone on our generation is through the floor. Feelings are in, sensitivity is in, that 11 y.o. girl physique rocking the skinny jeans doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast.
You won. Yay!
You created a generation of emasculated, wimpy, boys, who have less male "gender identity" than most lesbians I know.
I live in a pretty rural area, and this phenomena is less than it is when I go to a bigger city, or the one of the coasts.
I'm sure theirs regionalism to it, to a degree, and that it's lesser out west (minus California) and in the South, where things are more rural.
But I'm also talking about the media: how do guys look on TV and in the movies? How do they act?
My example will be the guys in the Twilight series of movies (and apparently books): the sparkly effeminate vampires. What every girl wants.
So far my "gender norm" experiment has been unsuccessful...
1) Woman with older man becomes man with older woman.
2) Woman as inferior being becomes man as inferior being.
3) Woman taking man's name (Patriarchy) becomes man taking woman's name (Matriarchy.)
Oppression, if that's what all of this represents, is oppression any way you cut it.
I wonder if down the road several years your current life-partner isn't going to be telling some younger woman that in his youth he had "only ever dated older, "accomplished" women..."
#2 doesn't always hold true - why does one partner have to be an "inferior being"? Could not the two in the relationship hold equal footing?
Same for #3 - why does any partner have to take the name of the other? Let them both keep their own names, since they are two discrete individuals.