LOS ANGELES--Mel's Gibson's statement, released to the news media early Friday, eight days after his drunken driving arrest in Malibu:
After consulting with Jewish leaders (at Alan Nierob's public relations office) it has come to my attention that I should add something else to my "Things That Were Very Wrong For Which I Should Be Ashamed" list. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Cakes and Candies for Adult Celebrations business for the saccharine words that I said to a female law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge and offended Rob Schneider.
I am a public person, and when I say, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?" my words reverberate.
The tenets of what I profess to believe necessitate that I exercise charity and tolerance as a way of life. Every rack, be it human or marzipan, is God's work.
I'm not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one (sweet) step further, and meet with leaders in the erotic exotic cake industry (as I understand you people like to be called) whose work I have personally greased and floured in this whole debacle, to help me on my journey through recovery.
This is intensely personal to me, as I, along with my father, Hutton, have been a long-time supporter of Nooky's Erotic Bakery in Houston. Nooky's and I have built a partnership and it pains me to have personally offended them along with all their compatriots, like Masturbakers of Seattle and That's Breast Delicious! in Reno, who have been so generous to us. It is not so soon that my family will forget the complimentary red velvet "Breast Wishes" cake we received when dad was in the hospital. Nor will Jim Caviezel and the rest of the hardworking crew on "Passion of the Christ" forget the delicious craft services Nooky's provided. How thoughtful of you to customize your "Chesty" cake to provide 33 nipples spelling out "Tits Your Birthdays!" on the occasion of Jim's and Jesus' combined bash.
I have battled the disease of "getting a sugar high" and "coming down off a sugar high" and not just when I need a fix around 3 PM. This has been an ongoing problem and I apologize for any behavior unbecoming an anti-Semite. I am already taking the necessary steps, working with the good people at Splenda, but again, I am reaching out to the erotic exotic cake community for its help.
I know that there will be many in the erotic exotic cake community who will want nothing to do with me — I saw Ron Jeremy's full-page ad in the trade "Sugar n' Spice," refusing to be cast in the next "Lethal Weapon"— and that would be understandable. I pray that the oven door is not forever closed.
This is not about a film. Nor is it about artistic license. This is about free Nooky's. It's about making sure that the dessert catering is in place at the hundred-year anniversary book party for the "Protocols of the Elders of Zion" that I'm hosting tonight.
Follow Caroline Waxler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@cwaxler