Drawing a line and setting boundaries used to be terrifying for me, partly because I was totally unclear on how I wanted to feel. I was a people-pleaser who said 'yes' to everyone and 'no' to herself. In my most previous ARTICLE I talked about how I came home to my truth. I honor myself through allowing my desired feelings be the filter in which I make choices and gracefully move through life. I now know quickly when I am defaulting into people-pleasing; the contrast of my Truth and 'just saying yes to whatever' now is stark!
Once we are clear on how we want to feel, however, the opportunities to people-please will still be plenty! In this article I will share how I set badass boundaries.
Ok, here's a scenario: Let's say that you work at an organization where people in the culture constantly text and email each other about work related things when they are not at the office. Perhaps one of your desired feelings is to feel relaxed and connected and you align with those feelings the most on Sundays with your family. You desire the spaciousness to really connect and play, or maybe even explore cool hikes and lakes that are out of cell range during that sacred Sunday family time. It feels hard to completely relax and disconnect when you are constantly responding (and thus people are expecting you to respond) to work related requests.
This is a perfect opportunity to set a badass boundary.
1) Create your boundary using "I feel..." statements or "what works for me." statements.
People are not responsive to feedback when we are are accusatory: "You are pushy" and "You ask too much of me" will inspire a defensive response, and get you nowhere. Make the boundary about YOU. Make sure it is kind, yet very clear and direct.
2) If possible use a sandwich model when communicating it.
Layer one -- affirmative statement
Layer two -- your boundary
Layer three -- affirmative statement
Your badass boundary:
Layer one -- "I appreciate your desire to keep me up to date about this project."
Layer two -- "What works for me is that we talk about it mostly during the work week. On Sundays, I will be unplugging completely so I can connect with my family."
Layer three -- "I would love to set up a time on Mondays to meet with you in the office when we can go over the status and create a plan of action for the week."
3) Surrender
Your job here is to keep your side of the street clean. You can't control other peoples reactions and feelings. Martha Beck said: "The nature of conflict means that you can't set a boundary in your life and take care of someone else's feelings at the same time." Maybe they will talk about you, maybe they won't like it. Remember, though, this is about coming home to your truth.
When we don't set a needed boundary because we wonder what people will think, we are saying 'yes' to others, and 'no' to ourselves. We end up resentful; and since we never communicated our truth it is nobody's fault but our own.
Be prepared, also to continue to draw the boundary. People may not remember it, or need to be reminded after time. It is up to you to keep connecting back to how you want to feel and keep communicating your truth in the most graceful yet direct ways.
When we say "YES" to ourselves, we are energetically teaching the Universe that we value and honor ourselves; and thus are creating more space for other affirmative experiences to come rushing in.
Wishing you Love, Light, Truth, and Grace
xo,
Carolyn Jean
Creating Badass Boundaries is one of the steps in my three month program Magnetize Miracles. I support women who feel stuck and powerless step into lives beyond their wildest dreams. To schedule a complimentary 30 minute alignment call please email carolynjeanyoga@gmail.com