I always prided myself on my courage, on my daring, on my guts. Anything that I've ever wanted, I've pursued. I never gave a second thought to fear. And if I did give it a second thought, it was this: hello, Fear. I am not afraid.
But then I became a mother, and I became afraid. Afraid of making mistakes, of taking the wrong step (did I wean my daughter too early?). Afraid of terrible hurts (what if I lose her?) and ordinary pains (what if she inherits my nose?) Afraid of the pains that she will face in an ordinary life (what if her heart is broken?) Afraid that she will have just that - an ordinary life.
Afraid that I will disappoint her.
This is - after the more visceral fear of losing her - the fear that most plagues me. It is the fear of my own greater failure - of failing, somehow, as a woman. It is the fear of failing to become and remain the woman that I, as a girl, wanted to be. The woman that I want her to want to be.
I fear losing the woman that I aspired to be and that I struggled to become.
This fear is complicated by the fact that, for the moment, I don't miss ambitious me. I happily gave up my nascent academic career to raise my baby. I gave it up because I wanted to devote my creative and intellectual energies to the most dear and most ambitious project that I have ever embarked upon: my daughter. I gave it up without hesitation, and I don't regret having done so.
I don't regret giving up certain ambitions for someone else, because my someone else is so much a part of me. Her life, right now, is my work, my ambition, and how could it not be? It is so much my own life. It is the dearest part of my own life.
Part of what I want from that work is for her to yearn for the independence that I sought so aggressively. I want her to want to be proud and fearless and unrelenting in her pursuit of her dreams and ambitions. I want her to want to be her own woman.
I know, in my soul, that I have never been more my own woman than I have since becoming a mother. But it's a complicated kind of ownership, because, now, others have claim upon the property that is me. And those claims have caused me to make choices that I never thought that I would make, and to give up - happily, so happily - things that I never thought I would give up. I know that this kind of ownership of self remains uncompromised - but it is uncompromised for me only because I chose it after having secured myself, for myself, as an independent, fearless woman.
I chose this. So why am I afraid?
I'm afraid that she won't understand. I am afraid that she will see me as I once saw my own mother, as just a mother. As a woman not to be emulated. As a woman to be discounted. Just a mother.
I fear becoming my defensive with daughter, as my mother was with me: I wasn't always this. I wasn't always yours. Once upon a time, I was something other than mother. I fear the rolling of her eyes, the silent and not-so-silent wish that I would not be so lame, gah. I fear her not appreciating me, recognizing me, the woman behind the mother.
I fear that I will not be able to inspire her from the perch of motherhood. I fear this because I fear that I will, someday, when the romance of new motherhood has worn off, fail to inspire myself. I fear that someday I will, after the trillionth eye-roll, disdain my own choices, and long to retrieve that ambitious, fearless young woman who put herself first.
I fear that I won't be able to find her.
What I fear most of all: that if I do find her, I will forget the woman that she became through motherhood. That I will forget the bliss of being mother. That I will forego the opportunity to show my daughter how heroic motherhood can be, if it is part of a full and adventurous life.
I need to fight past this fear. I need to mother through this fear. Perhaps, if I can make my motherhood heroic, I'll find that woman within the mother.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.