This morning I read two wonderful parenting articles; one about raising faithful kids, and the other about raising successful children. The point of both articles was to have both parents contributing equally in parenting, education, and financial responsibilities. Both articles showed that the highest success rates came about when fathers participated in being all-around, hands-on-dads who were also participants in the family religious faith and practice. I contemplated where I might have missed something in my childhood, since our father left most of the parenting and religious training to our mother. But he wasn't truly absent, NOT in a negative sense, and was a loving presence. Nevertheless, this led me to fill in the missing puzzle pieces of my own life, and something that might be worth considering with regard to your own family, too.
As I contemplated the roles of fathers, I recalled the successful families in which fathers and husbands were less involved and had legitimate reasons for their absence from their children's lives. Situations like these were more typical before the late 1960s, when fathers became more involved with child rearing, although there are still such instances for some families today, like in mine. Nonetheless, absent fathers change the mother's role for some families. Those mothers have to do things differently if they want to keep their family grounded, and they will have to do more. And if there's a will, there is always a way, even without the other half's involvement. Mothers who shoulder most of the parenting would love to have our spouses' daily help, both for our children and ourselves. But we must all do the best in our individual family situations and no two families are alike.
Keeping my family together and our faith alive has been most important to me for the past 35 years. Reading those two articles have helped me see where my struggles were and showed me the positive solutions that worked for me that I now want to share here. I hope they will bring more light to women who haven't had their children's fathers' involvement in their lives, and bring clarity and peace of mind to those who must work overtime to assuage their anxiety. I want them to understand that many families with absent fathers flourish against the odds, and not feel such a sense of guilt or loss.
I owe my own foundation in my Catholic faith to my mother's devoted, faithful life of prayer. She was soft, kind, and encouraged us with hopeful, daily messages of love based on her Catholic upbringing. Even though my father was not very religious, he was a story teller. He taught us kids most every night through his wonderful, wise true-life experiences, and showed great love and respect for Mom, which made up for any of lack while I was growing up. I remember having our dad at home after his long, hard day at work, while our mother was always at home caring for us kids at all times. Growing up this way, I felt incredibly secure. This is how our father provided for his family, which happens to be similar to my husband's ideals, since he is often away at work, keeping him from being a hands-on parent most of the time. For me, taking on most of the parenting was easier for me because I was raised the same way and recalled how grounded I felt with my parents. Yet I empathize with a mother's role of raising children primarily alone and filling the gaps left by the absent father. Those mothers are unsung heroes. And I believe the sooner we can appreciate them, the better parents we'll be to our own children, regardless of our family situations.
After reading both articles, I understood the uphill climb that was heavy for me at times, and how much harder it must have been for my own mother, raising her 17 children. Through grace she made it through and lovingly left such a legacy for all of us to follow. And so will all of us in that situation. I have been blessed over and again to witness the beauty of a family's abundance and success wherever fathers participate in both shared parenting roles and the practice of the family's faith. And, as tempting as it might be to complain about loss from not having a father close by, we must instead whisper a prayer of gratitude to be able to do this most important work in the best way that fits our own family. It's most important to keep your heart, mind, and soul open in love and appreciation to those who have led by example to help you do your best for your own family. Perhaps our own children will remember this security and love, giving them the solid foundation that will help them break new ground in their own future family life.
About Catherine Nagle: Catherine grew up in Philadelphia with 16 brothers and sisters, reared by loving, old school Italian parents. Catherine's artist father's
works graced locations from churches to public buildings; her mother was a full-time homemaker. A professional hairdresser, Catherine worked in various salons while studying the Bible and pursuing spiritual growth through courses, seminars, lectures and inspirational books, including A Course in Miracles and the works of Marianne Williamson among many others. The mother of two children and a grandmother, Catherine lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and son. She is the Author of Imprinted Wisdom.